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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to go to in laws today

50 replies

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 07:51

Will i look like a moody cow if i send DH to his mum and dads today with the kids and i stay at home ?

Generally get on well with my in laws. They live close by so see us fairly regularly. SIL also lives close by and they see SIL and her DC a lot. Again I get on fairly well with SIL but she drives us mad as she is lazy and either sends her DC to stay with her parents or goes over their for the day / dinner mist days so her parents will entertain her DC . This could be a whole other thread but is the main reason thry are all annoying me a but at the moment.

We have 3 kids and busy lives and I feel I woukd appreciate even a 10th of the help that is given to SIL.

We have been so busy lately and again this weekend the older DC have had parties and sports clubs yesterday and sports clubs this morning. I had plans to try and get some household jobs done this afternoon but last night MIL asked us to come over or invited herself, FIL, SIL and Her DC over to ours. I got a bit annoyed and told DH I don't want them all here for me to entertain and I have things I want to get done so he is going to take the big 2 over and I will stay home with the toddler napping.

I don't normally do this so do you think it will make it look like I am being awkward and rude or is it fine to say I'm busy doing things in the house ?

OP posts:

Flaverings · 24/03/2019 08:40

I don’t understand why the SIL was mentioned here though.

Well noticed! Yes, this is where there's material for some good reflection imho.

diddl · 24/03/2019 08:43

"last night MIL asked us to come over or invited herself, FIL, SIL and Her DC over to ours. "

I don't see why it had to be a yes to either if it's not convenient tbh.

I also don't see why it should be a problem if not everyone goes everytime.

Original poster

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 08:44

I usually would go so was just a bit worried they will want to know what's up and that cleaning the house seems like a lame excuse even though that's the reason.

SIL was mentioned as her and DC will either also be there or would come here (just to explain it would be even more people here for us to entertain ) and also yes one reason I'm a bit annoyed at moment is that she is lazy and basically 'gets away with it' As PIL pick up the slack and I'm not in the mood for it today as feeling very busy and like stuff is piling up a bit.

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 24/03/2019 08:49

You are not being unreasonable....pack your family off and have sometime to yourself....nothing wrong with that any way you look at it.If they get the hump ...sod em,their problem not yours...

Original poster

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 08:50

SIL is a whole other thread really. We get on with her but she is infuriating sometimes. It's not a case of them feeling she needs help and definitely her taking the piss but MIL loves it and likes to be involved and needed and although moans about it very much enables it.

DH and I talk to his parents about it and I am aware that it's something that annoys me but usually I get past it but just feeling knackered this weekend.

I occasionally ask for help from them and sometimes get it but other times don't because MIL is doing something she really doesn't need to do for SIL DC such as taking him for a haircut etc (SIL doesn't work)

OP posts:

LL83 · 24/03/2019 08:51

What has PIL picking up the slack for SIL got to do with you?

If you help one of your children more than the other as adults because you are more comfortable/ask more/need more how would you feel if your DIL judges you or your other childs family for it?

Ask them for help if you want, complain if the dont help ever. Dont judge their relationship with their dd.

DrWhy · 24/03/2019 08:52

Surely if the little one would be napping when they set off you wouldn’t want to get him up anyway. Just get DH to tell her that toddler was sleeping so you didn’t want to disturb him and besides you’ve been out all weekend and have catching up to do. In future it sounds like you need to both refuse when it’s not convenient for you.

gauntletthrown · 24/03/2019 08:55

I'm 'sending' my DH and DC to his parents and staying behind today.

I put a drop to me always having to go a while back when I realised that usual when I see my mum it's without him but I always had to see his parents with him. Did that. I like them, but they like DH time without me!

Clown77 · 24/03/2019 08:57

Last minute so whether you have something to do or just want to relax at home I don’t think no one will judge you for that.

Also I always go to my parents on my own with kids for dinner and there are times when he goes to his parents with kids on his own too works for us

GabriellaMontez · 24/03/2019 08:57

Yanbu. You're busy!
She's not cooking so it's no odds to her. You don't have to answer her summons.

Original poster

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 09:00

That's why MIL invited them all over here as DH pointed out toddler would be napping.

Thank for the replies I feel better about staying home and will feel happier getting some of my to do list done.

SIL is a whole other thing inly really mentioned as an explanation as to why they would be coming to and also why I'm in a bit of a few up mood. On the whole we have a good relationship with my in laws and just feeling tired. I have asked for help from MIL recently but didn't get it which was a bit annoying but I realise I'm not entitled to it . My own mum is also close by and helps me when she can but I also like to keep MIL involved as want her to feel involved in our lives as well as despite not wanting to go today I do like my in laws.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 24/03/2019 09:03

Sound alike MIL likes to break up the day with your kids entertaining the cousins?

You have nothing to gain by going so don’t go!

Original poster

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 09:06

Yes I have suspected that before greentulips as the kids do play well together most of the time. So probably fine just DH and the big kids going.

OP posts:

CookPassBabtridge · 24/03/2019 09:06

You're angsting about it too much, it's totally normal to send husband/partner off to his parents with kids. Same the other way around, if you were their daughter you wouldn't always have DH with you would you. I do about half and half with my inlaws, if I don't want to go I just tell DP to say I've got stuff to do/catch up on.

Flaverings · 24/03/2019 09:07

Where's your DH in all of this? Shouldn't he be managing this kind of situation?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/03/2019 09:09

So the issue is SIL. Don’t go today, it’s no biggie. But you can’t keep bypassing PILs future invites because SIL annoys you. You need to get over that one if you want to maintain your relationship with PILs which from what you’ve said you seem to get on with them?

Upsy1981 · 24/03/2019 09:14

Surely you don't always see your family with DH? It's normal isn't it, to just drop in and out of family stuff, depending who xan make it on any given day? Especially if it isn't a meal or anything special. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

LellyMcKelly · 24/03/2019 09:18

Thank her for taking them off your hands so you can get started on the 8 million jobs that need doing. She’ll most likely understand.

3dogs2cats · 24/03/2019 09:20

Fuckno. Send toddlertoo. Say you’re tired and need a rest. You clearly do. They will get it.

user1493413286 · 24/03/2019 09:20

I think that’s fine; you had stuff planned so you can’t go but DH and DC can

diddl · 24/03/2019 09:20

Presumably your husband & kids want to go?

Original poster

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 09:21

We all get on well and DH normally always comes to my parents although I will see my mum during the week sometimes when DH is at work.

SIL knows how we feel about her lifestyle and PIL will talk about it to but she is thick skinned and just laughs. On the whole I have made my peace with it but every now and then it gets on my nerves. We do all get on though and I'm not thinking of never going again or not seeing any of them anymore.

Ok thanks for replies I better actually get on with my to do list

OP posts:

pictish · 24/03/2019 09:22

Of course it’s ok to turn down an 11th hour arrangement to do what you already had planned. To use a mumsnet expression, it’s an invite not a summons and neither you or your in laws should view it as such.
You don’t have to drop your plans to prioritise them and by the same token, they shouldn’t expect you to.
“Thanks but I have things I need to do here.”
That’s all it requires.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 24/03/2019 10:13

Of course it's ok op; if she's any sense, MIL will understand very well that, with three children, it's sometimes nice to have the home to yourself for a few hours. Stay home and make the most of the peace and quiet.

Original poster

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 14:28

I didn't go.I have ticked a load off my to do list, got the roast on the oven and am sitting having a cup of tea and a cake in silence ! Is it sad that I am so happy about that

Hoping to tackle the spare room before they get back. I may need to do this more often ........

OP posts:

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