Are these contact proposals reasonable?

[user1496231209]

Long post please bare with!

I've been going through hell with my daughters dad who has been putting me through the most awful emotional abuse for the past 6 months. He hasn't seen her since she was 6 weeks old due to an incident where he disappeared with her for three hours and then proceeded to threaten and verbally assault me.

Following this he made numerous awful allegations about me to social services (abuse, neglect and me making threats to kill myself and our daughter) all completely untrue. False allegations to the police around theft which led to me being interviewed under caution. He also had the police turn up at my house twice for malicious welfare checks. He then started court proceedings after not turning up to mediation and again listed a number of false allegations including domestic abuse and was filing for a non-molestation order against myself based on awful lies. He didn't turn up to the hearing after the judge ordered for him to provide allegations of his claims and failing to engage with cafcass. Residency was granted to me, prohibited steps against him preventing him from removing our daughter from my care without my permission.

After initially demanding 5 hours of unsupervised access every week he's agreed to 6 weeks of contact in a contact centre for 2 hours per week. Then increasing to 3.5 hours per week unsupervised for 8 weeks and then increasing to 5 hours per week for 6 weeks unsupervised. He then wants overnight contact to start when she's a year old every weekend Saturday-Sunday. The contact centre is nearly an hour away from where I live.

Would it be reasonable for me to ask for overnight contact to be reviewed when she's a year old depending on how contact has gone up to that point? Also, I want to ask for a different contact center as there is one that is only 20 minutes away from me and finances wouldn't permit me to travel that distance every week. Lastly, can I ask for the increase in contact to be reviewed after the initial six week period? Also, is every week or every other week more reasonable in terms of contact and overnight contact? I go back to work in September.

Also, he presently owes me £428 in child maintenance and has stated in his first letter that he has "always paid". Should I ask for the money owed through the solicitor so that the CMS do not need to escalate his case to a deduction of earnings order which is the next step?

Thank you so much xx

I think the advice you're looking for is above the scope of random people on the internet. You need a lawyer.

Sounds like you're going through hell.

I was thinking that lovely but I can't afford any legal help so was hoping someone on here may have been through similar and could offer their thoughts.

Thank you xx

Okay well, everything you've said sounds reasonable. Each increase in contact time should be based on how the previous contact length has gone. If he's not turned up to the contact centre, jumping to unsupervised shouldn't happen. Likewise overnights. Note I said "shouldn't", nothing is certain.
I, personally, think 12 months is too young for regular overnights however this would be very dependant on the child. At that age my DS was still being breastfed (sometimes all night - think all you can eat buffet) so there's no way I would have left him every week with someone he'd previously only been with for a few hours.
Gingerbread have a helpline that might be helpful to speak to - 0808 802 0925. It sounds like you have (legitimate) fears about your child's safety while they're with your ex, so it might be useful to speak to someone about how to get this across in a factual and unemotional way.

He wants every weekend with her?? No way.

Thank you every one it's nice to know I'm putting her needs first. There is a part of me that was worried that I was letting his treatment of me make me think about myself too much. I'm terrified he'll try and drag me back to court by saying I've violated the court order by preventing contact so he still has me treading on eggshells.
@LazariaMoon I wanted every other weekend but some have said to me that's unfair. I hate the thought of him getting her every weekend when I go back to work.
@Divgirl2 I will definitely give them a ring on Monday, thank you

I wanted to make overnights to begin at 2 years old due to the fact there's been no contact for such a long time however I'm scared he'll get angry and take me back to court

Speak to corams childrens legal advice center - they provide free advice, as well as womans aid who will provide you support with all this

I agree with you, but do think that with a child so young it needs more regular reviews. I also think eow is fairer than ew

Every other weekend at that age to start with the possibility of increasing to either 2 nights every other or 1 every week when older. In regards to the over due money tell him he has 7 days to transfer you the payment so proof shows both ways or you will contact the cms. Point out they will take 20% extra for their troubles. So that will be over 500. Say if this is not manageable you would lime in writing his payment plan for your approval to cover the arrears. If he makes a stupid offer tell him you will pass it on. As for changing centres that will depend on space available but your correct to request as why should you cart a baby that far for his benefit. His barely shown up as a parent physically, financially or emotionally so it is down to him to prove himself. If that means traveling so be it. Personally i would find a way to see my kids anywhere if i had to. To some extent he appears to care enough to take these actions which is more than my sons father but then time will tell if its for show, to get at you or genuinely wanting to be a parent. Good luck.

Ps if you want 2 years say so. Your the primary carer if he kicks off it goes against him. Don't let him push you unless court has ordered over night then suggest increasing the length of the day from 5 hours to say 9 so like 9am to 6pm. Or even he picks her up shortly after she gets up and brings her back hour before bed. This way your baby gets used to a full days routine there and having naps their before going over night.

Every weekend is not fair. EOW is fair. Why should you get all the grunt work of parenting around nursery, and never get to do anything fun with her at weekends?! Hell would freeze over before I agreed to that, and anyone who has told you otherwise is a prat. Remember, increasing contact if things are going well is much easier than reducing it if things are going badly, so be careful what you establish as the status quo. You hold all the cards right now so don't give up anymore ground than you have to. From your OP I suspect his interest in even minimal contact will evaporate once he has to put in a tiny bit of effort to reach the contact centre. Get things moved to the contact centre that's convenient for you, review everything that can be reviewed before allowing increases, tell the twat to jog on with his "every weekend" demands, and then go ask these questions to a lawyer. Good luck!

I'm getting quite emotional at the support girls thank you so much. It's been hell these past few months and as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, it has made it so much harder and tainted our first few months together. Plus the impact on my eldest son who at 7 and seeing the police at our house all the time and being present when our DD was not returned has been awful, luckily he's not as effected anymore but when it was all ongoing he would barely leave me and his sisters side encase someone took us away.

Thank you again, I honestly cant thank you enough.