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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit fucked off

52 replies

mrsblues · 22/03/2019 21:23

I have a friend with whom I’ve been friends with since primary school. We’re 35 now so talking almost 30 years.

Anyway, I have two kids aged 6 and 3 and she has an almost 4 year old.

She’s always been someone to cancel plans. Most of our friendship group just roll their eyes and say nothing.

She’s been clear since having her dc that they won’t be having birthday parties for dc and they’ll only be doing classes like learning musical instruments. No dance classes or any kind of normal kid’s classes. We’ve all been a bit Hmm but not our monkey not our circus.

Anyway, last Sunday I had a birthday party for my younger dc and had invited some of the nursery class and a few of my friends’ DCs. She said she’d be there with her DC but about an hour before the party texted to say DC had awful D&V and would be spending the afternoon in bed as it was still ongoing.

On the way home from the party I decided to drop a party bag in for her DC to cheer them up.

Surprise surprise no one was in. I’d had my suspicions that she would do this but was quite surprised nonetheless.

I texted her to say that I’d left a party bag over the handle of her door and I was glad that DC’s vomiting bug had gone and she was well enough to make it out.

She texted back quickly to say that “I’m sorry I made up the vomiting bug. I don’t like children’s parties and don’t want to attend with DC.”

I don’t like children’s parties (I don’t know anyone who does!!) but why have kids and not let them do the things that kids love?

I just feel fucked off that she’d lie and also let her dc miss out frequently on just being a kid (there are other things that have happened where the child hasn’t been allowed to go to events..)

OP posts:
AnnaFiveTowns · 22/03/2019 22:06

Does she suffer with anxiety?

WeShouldBeFriends · 22/03/2019 22:06

I was thinking maybe financial too. Couldn't afford present? Or petrol?

azulmariposa · 22/03/2019 22:13

Yes yabu. You've been friends long enough to know that she doesn't attend stuff, there must be a reason why. Maybe she is anxious about large groups?
Also it's up to her what classes her children do, they might not want to dance!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 22/03/2019 22:23

I would think there's something else at play to be honest. Anxiety maybe.

julensaor · 22/03/2019 22:27

I agree with @louielou1980 and she was honest with you ultimately. She is your friend for a reason, I am sure there are other friends you have and part of their parenting style isn't what you would do. As another poster suggested, just let her drop the child off next time because for her it will only get harder as the child gets older and wants the same as their peers. If you are willing to do that of course.

Passing4Human · 22/03/2019 22:37

I would chat to her as there might be an issue with social anxiety she finds difficult to talk about. If it's not that and she just doesn't do things she doesn't like then I guess you need to decide whether you just eye roll along with the rest of your friends when it happens, or choose to distance yourself. As I've got older I've realised that almost everyone seems to have something they're a bit weird about. For me it would depend what else she brings to your friendship - so maybe she's a brilliant laugh, or supportive when tough things happen, but will always be flaky with certain social situations. I'd weigh it up with everything else.

Original poster
mrsblues · 22/03/2019 22:41

Definitely no social anxiety. We’ve asked! She just can’t be arsed.

And I don’t mean to sound judgey about the music lessons but she comes across as such a snob. They say they olnly play “real music” in the house so the kid is listening to Random folk bands and the Beatles/the stones.

Honestly I’ve only ever know 3/4 year olds who love normal kid things - not music lessons and random indie bands. Maybe I don’t know the right kids though 🤔

OP posts:
Hadenoughofitall441 · 22/03/2019 22:46

There a few kids in my dd class who have never been to any of the parties they have been invited too. It’s sad really, the kids love playing together, I hate kids parties and just socialising in general but since my daughter start3d reception (she’s in year 1 now) she attended all 18 of the parties she’s been invited to, she’s invited to another 2 in April one of which we can’t get to as I don’t drive and it’s in the middle of nowhere. So out of 20 she’s only missing 1. What I find cheeky is the ones that have a party every year but never go to any.
Her kids will never the memories, I still remember some of the parties I was invited to when I was 5. It’s sad and she should have just been upfront.

JazzyBBG · 22/03/2019 22:49

She sounds a barrel of laughs. No doubt her highly educated musical genius will end up rebelling as a pole dancer or something. Poor kids.

SarfE4sticated · 22/03/2019 22:54

When her child starts school she'll mellow surely.

Passing4Human · 22/03/2019 22:55

"Definitely no social anxiety. We’ve asked! She just can’t be arsed."

I've changed my mind, lol. I'd maybe bin her (well maybe not bin, but distance myself). That's shitty for her DC as they're missing out.

p.s. I have a friend who boasts a lot that her 4 year old only likes listening to old punk bands she and DH love. I have NEVER seen a 4 year old dance quite so enthusiastically at a party to Bruno Mars in my life.

Ihatehashtags · 22/03/2019 23:06

Wow very rude on her part. Tell her you aren’t impressed she lied then back away reducing contact

Original poster
mrsblues · 22/03/2019 23:11

p.s. I have a friend who boasts a lot that her 4 year old only likes listening to old punk bands she and DH love. I have NEVER seen a 4 year old dance quite so enthusiastically at a party to Bruno Mars in my life.

Exactly. It’s so ridiculous. But oh no no her kid just LOVES a 70s folk band no one’s heard of 😂

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 22/03/2019 23:12

Maybe her child doesn't like parties either: it's not a universal thing.

Original poster
mrsblues · 22/03/2019 23:17

@pippistrelle if you could see the way her dc acts around other kids you’d know they love the chance to be with kids their own age. It’s a shame they rarely get the chance because they have to learn piano at 4 and heaven forbid they should go to gymnastics class or a tae Kwon do class or something like that where they’d get to meet other kids.

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 22/03/2019 23:19

YANBU. Nobody likes kids parties apart from the kids but it's hardly a traumatic experience. I'd feel very sorry for DC if they're not going to be allowed to attend even their own friends' parties. Also why say she'd come in the first place!

FullOfJellyBeans · 22/03/2019 23:21

MiL used to boast incessantly that our eldest (her first GC) loved the bach cello suite when he was 2. She hated it when I pointed out he also adored vanilla ice!

VampirateQueen · 22/03/2019 23:28

Tbf my DD has music lessons and she is 4, this is because she wanted to though, so on that i think YAB and bit U. On the flip side I have social anxiety and hate kids parties, but I always took her to baby group, she went to dance class and I always take her to birthday parties because I don't want her to miss out because of my problems, so on that YANBU.
If you are such good friends and have known each other for so long, couldn't you have taken your friends DD with you, so the DD didn't miss out but your friend didn't have to go? Then again why did she say she would go if she had no intentions of going? Why not just RSVP no?

Original poster
mrsblues · 22/03/2019 23:32

@VampirateQueen

I’d be scared to offer since I know they look down on parties 🙈 but in this instance she told me she was coming so I had no reason (apart from the fact that she’s a serial canceller) to ask to take he me dc.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 22/03/2019 23:51

Just text back "look. Just drop off and leave DC with me next time, shame for her to miss out. No need for you to fib btw, you just had to say"

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 23/03/2019 00:04

I think there's a lot of "group think" on MN (I'm guilty of it myself).

This friend - who you say you like - isn't like that. And that's ok.

Most of us (again, including me) on here do things because we 'should' or 'ought'. Kids parties are an example on this thread. But also includes have a job/be a SAHM; keep faithful to our partner; pay the bills etc etc.

But we all know people who step outside those conventions.

And this thread sounds like your friend is one of them. She's treading her own path (good on her) and taking her kids with her (that's a bit more dubious, because as you - and others - point out, they miss out on experiences all the kids we know absolutely love).
But, I've met Cambridge graduates who've said things along the lines of "yes... I'd have loved to have gone to those kids parties and experienced playing pass-the-parcel, but I've just been accepted into Cambridge and I could conjugate all the Greek vowels/recite the periodic table at age 5 [or whatever]"

It's not bad or wrong to be different. We see it affecting the kids and we feel sad for them because we know they'd LOVE to do the things the other kids do.
But they're not neglected or badly treated, they just have a different experience of childhood.

The galling bit is where she's judging YOU for being a "normal" parent and you can see the good bits that your kids get (and hers don't) for being that way.

Let it go!

Bellabellabel · 23/03/2019 00:16

I wish I was your friend Hmm

I would love to get out of going to children's parties and hosting them also. Why did I never think of this option? Hmm

GhostHoward · 23/03/2019 00:22

I'm going to ignore everything else you've said to stick my oar in about children learning music.....!! You don't understand how important it is for young children to learn a musical instrument.

NameChangex3 · 23/03/2019 00:30

Personally I love kids parties. I love seeing other parents and watching the kids have fun. Everyone is different.

I don't think her honesty means anything. She was only honest when she got caught out. She should never have said she was coming in the first place.
A friend did this to me recently. I really just wished she'd declined in the first place rather than playing games.

dustarr73 · 23/03/2019 00:35

Dont invite her dc next year.And maybe step away from her as well.She doesnt sound much of a friend.If she doesnt want to socialise you cant force her.But let her know there will be no more invitations.