To think this is what it took to be believed-handhold please

[Happyinheels]

Please bear with me and get past this first paragraph of bollocks. I have no one to tell this to IRL at this moment. And no I'm not a troll with nothing better to do. My point is not about whether it's true etc: My sister rang me an hour ago to tell me the following. She has been smelling smoke at the top of her stairs and in her 4YO DD bedroom. Her DD won't sleep in her room anymore because she's scared. Her 2YO DS keeps saying he can see a man. My Sister now sleeps in DD's bed and said she felt someone sit on the end of the bed but there was no one there. Her hairdresser comes to her home and the past few times has commented on a presence. The hairdresser is into spiritual stuff and so today brought some I don't know, some stuff to burn in each room? Not sure but to get 'the presence' to leave. Anyway, upshot is hairdresser turns around and tells my sister that the presence is evil, there with bad intent and is our Grandad and that he's watching the kids, but not in a good way. The hairdresser knows nothing about me. Doors slam shut etc etc.

So, the back story is that 20 years ago I revealed to my mum and my sister that my Grandad had been sexually abusing me from the age of 8-13. I had kept it to myself for many years and it was discovered by my mum by accident really. I know it was a huge shock to them to find this out but my sisters reaction to me was awful. She didn't say she didn't believe me but she told me she would never think anything bad of him because he'd never done anything to her, she loved him, she was very close to him etc etc etc. She didn't ask me anything about the situation. Her whole reaction was bizarre. I was incredibly hurt by it and we've never spoke of it till today.

So she rang me to tell me about the apparent evil presence of my Grandad. I was silent and really didn't know what to say. But what came out in the conversation is that NOW she believes me. NOW. 20 years on. Because of some so called evil spirit thing?!!!! AIBU to feel so hurt and so fucking angry?! So my word wasn't enough? 20 years I've carried that reaction of hers with me. Feeling like a liar and that I was making up the whole thing. But NOW because of some fucking 'evil Grandad spirit ' in her house - now she believes me?! I'm not interested in the whole whether spirits exist etc. My point is that I cannot believe that she couldn't believe me at the time and that she hasn't for 20 years. But that all changed today because of some bullshit story about an evil Grandad spirit in her house?
I'm sorry but I just needed to tell someone. I'm so angry and I'm so upset.

@happyinheels I feel for you

Was there a family fallout at the time or was it all swept under the carpet?

We recently divulged childhood abuse and one family member, although he believes us, blames us for keeping quiet for so many years.

So I sort of know where you're coming from.

I wouldn't say it's impossible that he didn't touch her, out of my siblings, one says she wasn't harmed. I never believed her but like I say, it's not impossible.

It was after I had my dd that it for worse for me and I disclosed to my sisters. We discovered that I wasn't the only one.

We had all been abused and kept quiet about it.

It's devastating. I'm so sorry.

20 years on and now she decides she believes me? So good of her.

I can totally understand where you are coming from here. That is a long time to suffer without any recognition of the pain that was caused to you. I'm not at all surprised that you are devastated.

I think this instance though is more about her than you. It might be the only way that she can comfortably communicate about what happened to her.

It doesn't in any way minimise what happened to you OP.

She suppressed feelings that your grandfather abused her too and it’s come out now, maybe because she has daughters of the similar age. The hairdresser might have picked up on this or your sister might even have invited the whole scenario in a cack handed way of reaching out to you, either to apologise for not believing you or because the same happened to you. It’s completely understandable for you now to say- this is too close to home, I dealt with the abuse then and you not supporting me, so I’m sorry you’re disturbed by this but choose someone else to talk to about it.

Hi Op, sorry if I missed this but how old were you and your sister when your mum found out what was happening?

I'm sorry for what you went through OP,I was a child victim of sexual abuse and mine went of for years and I never told anyone including my parents and they've now passed.

Your sister could have been being abused by your grandfather as well.

I know other people that have been sexually assaulted as children as well and none of us have reacted in the same way.

What your sister is experiencing now could be the fall out from holding everything in all of those years ago.

I'd get her to keep an eye on her health because I suffered FND and they now think part of that is because of the years of abuse that I held in and the smelling of smoke(or any other very strong smell that's not actually there)can be a sign that there's something amiss with your brain,it's rarely what it means but it's worth her keeping an eye out.

As for the sensing of a presence there are still vicars,priests ect that will come and bless your house for you and they usually do it for free.

So if she's really worried that might be something that could put her mind at rest.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you get the support you need.

I'm so sorry for what you went though OP.

I hope I don't get flamed for this if I can't explain it well enough but I remember an episode of Cracker years ago when a man was killed and they thought it was one of his 2 daughters, when it emerged that he'd sexually abused one they assumed it was her, it was actually the other one who was in a weird childish / Freudian sort of way was cross as a child that some-one she loved very much had given, what she saw as, his affection to her sister and not to her. Is it possible that, assuming she wasn't abused, that your sister was jealous in some weird fucked up way.

so very sorry you had to deal with that and that your sister could not believe you then.

This will make it all very real again - not that it ever wasn't so be gentle with yourself. You don't have to go back to that dark place. You are safe now. He can't hurt you anymore.

Sending you a hug, if you'd like one.

You have every right to feel angry and hurt. Every right. Your sister has been hugely insensitive, on a massive scale. The stupid haunting story only makes things worse and you really don’t need to listen to another word. You have survived such an awful experience for so many years op, and without very much support.

I think I would personally tell her, very coldly, that you are glad she is finally believing you. And that you wouldn't worry about ghosts - that it's living people who can do the damage, both by what they do and by what they fail to do. As you know first-hand.

As these posters have suggested - and make it clear that her reaction to your courageous revelation means that you can't bring yourself to discuss it with her -at all. That you hope she gets it sorted, and that no harm comes to the children (because they could suffer psychological harm from her and the hairdresser's reactions and behaviour), but that you have closed the door on that episode and are not going to re-open it.

You might suggest that she contacts a priest for an exorcism - it may make her feel more comfortable in the house. I doubt that smudging the rooms with a bit of sage/other herbs (which it sounds from your post is what she and the hairdresser are doing) will be enough to set her mind at rest.

And OP - I have been in an abusive situation myself as a child - it NEVER leaves you, Even when your mind blanks out details and you are unaware of what happened , there is a shadow on your soul for the rest of your life.

My heart aches for you - but I suspect that the people suggesting that memories of her own abuse are finding this way of coming out, may be right.

Be kind to her - but ensure that you protect yourself.

I was bullied by my dad who was not a nice person. Whenever I complained to my sister she didn't believe me, "It's his way," or "He's not that bad" etc - all those excuses for him.
Fast forward 30 years, he's widowed, she looked after him due to a terminal illness, (I'm 200 miles away) she couldn't cope with his nastiness, then turned onto her. After his death she had a nervous breakdown (karma?) and expects me to be sympathetic.

I'm polite to her but inside I feel that it serves her right. She didn't believe me until she got it in the neck.

Let's be generous, could a priest bless the house, etc?

I think I would be addressing her to the effect of "I'm glad you finally believe me but I have to let you know that it has actually been doubly hurtful that you would happily believe your hairdresser now when you wouldn't believe me then". And leave it at that while you get your head together.

OP How old was your sister when all this originally came out? Was she very young and just not comprehending the concept that your Grandfather could abuse you or anyone?

Just catching up on the last few posts. I'm so moved at all your support. Really I am.

To answer a few questions - it came out a few years after he had died and only because my mum was telling me about a girl we knew whose Dad had abused her for years and my mum was shocked and saying the usual things like how she couldn't believe it and how lovely he was etc etc. I think I was quite scathing in my response. My mum asked me if anything had ever happened to me as whenever sexually abuse was mentioned, on the news or Tv or in conversation, I reacted to it. We had a big discussion and she just knew something had happened to me. Obviously she wasn't prepared for person to have been her Dad. It was horrendous. She didn't question me at all. The next day she asked me to go and see her as my Nanna wanted to speak to me. Before I even got in the house my sister came at me saying she would never think differently of him and how he'd never done anything to her etc. My Nanna actually out of them all was, well I can't find the words. She gave me a huge hug, she called him some names and she said it was all her fault as she was 'frigid' and 'didn't give him what he needed.' It was horrific. I would have kept this to myself forever. I didn't want to destroy their perfect image of their perfect father, husband and grandfather. They didn't need to know. We never spoke about it ever again And a few weeks afterwards my mum put a wedding picture of her parents up on her windowsill. That spoke volumes.

My sister was about 22 when this all came out.

op

That’s awful OP
Completely understand why you are so upset and angry and hurt

Awful situation for everyone, you're gran's reaction is so sad but I'm pleased she believed you.

Oh hun, I'm so sorry what happened to you
Unfortunately it may have been your sisters way of dealing with it to deny all knowledge of what happened. It may have happened to her too. This might be her way of admitting the truth.

Some people are as thick as shit op.

I think all the ghost stuff is a red herring. Nonsense your sister has made up to allow her to admit that she knows you were telling the truth, without her losing face.

Maybe he abused her too, maybe she has finally put two and two together and made four. Whatever, just know that she is on your side now and accept it for what it is.

Firstly. I am really sorry you have gone through this. I am pleased that your Nanna was supportive - this does not always happen. I am sorry your mum and sister have not been as great.

I went through something similar with friends of the family. I was only small and remember raising it and going to the police - but I cannot remember anything about my sister.

My sister and I have never talked about it and we have an awful relationship. She blames me for raising it. My abuser went on to repeat his behaviour and the police asked for my and my sisters help. I have dealt with this fine but my sister would not assist. She still hates me and we have haven't got on for over 20 yrs.

Very sad, but, I think the abuse affected her very differently. Maybe your sister has some deeply buried memories. I cannot imagine this "ghost" story is real, but more of a way of bringing it up.

I hope it goes ok

Seen it before - it is much easier for families to deny it than to deal with it.
Sad that Gran felt it was her fault. I wonder if she suspected it all along.

Raging for you OP so can only begin to image how you are feeling. I hope you are okay. Take care of you first and foremost