To HATE being a manager?!!

[Gamechanger12e3]

I know its not really an AIBU. But please someone help.. I just hate my job after being promoted.

I dont think i like being in 'authority' and having to have confrontation with colleagues. I hate everyone reporting to me, telling on eachother and constantly needing my help/support for every little thing.

I was promoted 1 year ago to manage a team. I'm only in my late twenties and was actually a manager for a short while after graduating. I couldn't hack the staffing issues/office politics. It wrecked havoc with my mental health having to constantly rein in staff and then being bitched about for doing my job. When i left i vowed to never go into managing staff again unless it was my own business.

Fast forward several years and i was encouraged by other senior members in my profession to go in for a promotion. Took a long time to be persuaded and when i got the job a year ago, i thought itd be different this time. I honestly thought that maybe it was because i was so young with little work experience that i couldn't handle it last time.

This time... Its also bad. I have women twice my age bitching about eachother and telling tales. People not doing their jobs right that i have to confront.
I only seem to have 2 options in this type of role.

Option 1 - pull someone up nicely on an error or problem and have them bitch about me for it to the rest of the staff team. no matter my approach/support people hate being pulled up.
Option 2 - ignore it and then be a walk over and let bad practice continue to happen.

If you take away the staffing issues, the job itself i love. But i spend hardly any time doing my job because im constantly having to babysit staff.

I think my issue is, im a friendly outgoing type character. I'm normally always friends with all my colleagues and never get into any type of disputes. Before being promoted there wasnt 1 person id ever had a cross word with. I can be aasertive with colleagues on equal footing to myself but have never really had to be.

In this role its almost inevitable though. Everyday theres something. Someone turns up late.. I have to say something. If i don't they'll start taking the piss with lateness. Someone else wants to book a certain week off. I have to say no due to staffing and then they have the hump with me.

I can't do right for doing wrong! I feel its either i do my job well and everyone bitches about me, or i say nothing and im a crap manager!!

I'm very fair to everyone and respectful but grown adults still can't hack being told no.

Ive spoken to other managers about this and they just don't care what their subordinates think of them. So long as the job gets done and they know theyve been fair.

I think im just not cut out for management. I'm gonna give it another year so i have 2 years under my belt and then move on if it doesnt improve. But in the meanwhile.. Is there any advice anyone can please give me?

I feel if i don't develop my management strategies soon then my mental health will take a tumble like last time.

Any advice/constructive criticisms would be much appreciated.

I know i have to unfortunately go through this step of lower management to get to senior management level. I need another year or so under my belt before i could even consider stepping up again unfortunately.
Maybe i should just focus on it being a means to an end. But i take pride in being good at my job which is why i take it personally when people slag me off i think.

No advice as I'm also a shit manager... I HATE it! My immediate boss is great and I keep thinking i need to channel her but we are naturally different people!

So following in the hope I can take something away from this thread!

Oh love, no advice, just commiserations. I manage a smaller organisation, and I reckon I've got about 2 years, tops, left in me, before I burn out completely. I'm planning my exit in the next 12-18 months. My predecessor did it for 15 years and I don't want to end up as bitter and twisted as him.
It's a stressful job, with lots of pressure, and I barely have time to do my actual job as well as managing people. My team is predominantly good, but the bitching! Grown ups behaving like 4 year olds!!
I've got a few years on you (like 15!) and being older does help (I know you can't do anything about that) as you care less when you get older about what others think of you. I couldn't give a shiny shite what my staff think of me, and that makes the unpleasant tasks easier.
Use your mentor if you have one, and treat your staff as adults who are not allowed to bring you problems, only solutions!
I also flat out refuse to referee disagreements. That's not my job, and it's not yours either. If it's work related, fine, but it sounds like it's not in your case.

People management is hard, have you read the Ask a Manager blog? She has some good advice and you can search for relevant questions

I dont envy you. Well actually i do a bit as im just not the type to be a succesful manager. Im good at bitching about managers though. I couldnt do it ( and ive never been good enough TO do it.)

Hence why im skint. And you are right adults do not like being bossed around. Human nature.

You can be good at your job and also have direct reports slag you off at times . Ask yourself what being a good manager means to you personally and commit to delivering on those items. There’s a really good book called “I’m ok , you’re ok” it’s a self help/management type of book that I recommend. There’s lots of others too , i’d also maybe ask your employer if there are any leadership courses available as those have helped me massively in the past x

Oh i feel so much better reading replies from other managers to know im not alone!
I just want to do my ACTUAL job and go home. I don't wanna hear or deal with petty staff issues.

The worst part is.. If i took the 'staff management' out of the equation. I would love my job! Its literally just them draining the life force out of me.

I've worked so hard to get here and this is my reward thus far!

Managing people sucks but...
You are not paid to be popular
Lead by example
Be firm but fair
You care, so you will be great! 😀
(Everyone always has a main about their boss from time to time)

moan*

And, when the team get to know your boundaries, it will settle and things will probably run along nicely.

People will always bitch about their boss, it’s a national pastime. But I would rather work for a boss who was firm and fair than one who was lovely but a pushover. I hated managing a team, but I’d rather be respected than liked.

Your job is to lead the team, set direction. Don’t deal with petty squabbles unless there is a disciplinary issue.

I hate everyone reporting to me, telling on eachother and constantly needing my help/support for every little thing.

This sounds like my year 1 class.

There is a 3rd option - pull them up on their behaviour/attitude and then ignore the bitching.
As a manager who actually does their job, you have to expect an element of people being upset on occasion, you can't be a friend in work situations with the people you manage - you have to be fair.
It can be hard, and if you don't feel like it suits you at this point, that's absolutely fine - I would recommend reading some books and asking your managers/team leaders for some training before you finally decide.

I run my own business OP, the worst decision we made was allowing the business to grow to the point where we needed staff. I hate it and wish we could scale it all back to the way it was before.
We are going to cease trading later in the year after 9 years trading 7 of them with staff. I can't wait to leave it all behind. When I look for employment I will not be looking for anything of a supervisory level at all and will be the best employee ever as a result of my experience!

OP I could have written your post it’s uncanny. Other PPs have nailed it - lower and middle management is a mugs game and you have pressure from both sides and have to behave better than everyone. I too got a shock that I was having to speak to grown adults about turning up on time and actually doing their job as well as all the absolute pettiness.
If you know you definitely want to be senior management and this is the only way to do it then there’s some good advice here to help you stick it out.
However, don’t feel you have to. I wrestled with the exact same thoughts as you and for the sake of my mental health I ended up taking a move sideways. I now earn slightly more than before and don’t manage anyone. I no longer work evenings and weekends just to keep up and I don’t have work constantly hanging over my head. It had become all consuming.

If I stuck it out longer could I have taken a bigger step upwards? Probably. Would I have ended up having a breakdown? Likely. Do what’s right for you. Personally I’m still looking to move up and I haven’t put myself ‘behind’ too much time wise by my sideways move. My life’s a lot happier.

I second a pp that you need to look at coaching. The people working for you are adults and can do their job - your role is to help and enable them, not to be a director (or some kind of agony aunt, or their friend).

The more consistent you are, the less bitching you'll hear. First of all, be really clear that you don't want to hear what people are saying behind your back, if they have an issue they should bring it to you directly (and check that you are in fact open enough to be approached). Listening to gossip is bad for your own sanity, and also encourages a gossipy environment.

Remember that as a manager, working with your team IS your job - sometimes I find talented people see it as a distraction from their 'real' work, which doesn't help anyone. Good luck!

Some of my team bitch about me, but that's because I sometimes have to say no, or stop them from constant chatter to actually get on with their jobs - I don't think it's serious, but if it is, and they ever do leave, they will realise just how easy they actually have it - they only made an if they are busy or I have to say no (with a genuine and demonstrable explanation why not), which is very rare.
I think the main reason I have negative comments is because I'm younger than all my team, who are mainly women, which has caused issues.

Hi OP, had similar experience with a temp promotion. The questions! No, I do not know substantially more than I knew yesterday! So and so said this. OK so tell her x. Don't make me your dogsbody! Being everyone's ear. HR/sickness stuff. The general vibe. In a month I was sick, stressed, overwhelmed, felt failure, ruined career etc.I asked my manager who said doing fine and her strategy was to delegate as much as possible (hmmm).

I realised when I went back to old job there was one person in particular who had been particularly tough. I felt a weight off instantly. It was the attitude. Possibly as I was internal, people felt more able to moan/scrutinise.

Not sure I have pointers-good suggestions above. Think you get more resilient so best to give it a bit of time. Good luck.

And thanks for starting this thread OP, it's really good to know these are univeral issues.

I would change your job, given what you are saying. Management is hard whether it’s a middle or senior role and you’ve got to be suited to it. You can learn skills and approaches to improve your performance but if it’s essentially not in you to manage and lead people, you’re better off recognising it early on and looking to excel in other ways. The reason for the pay increase when a role includes managing others is partly to do with the stress, linked to accountability.

I love managing people. I love watching people grow and develop. I love being able to support people facing challenges and helping them find a way through.
Don’t become so authoritative that people stop seeing you as a person. You can earn respect and still be nice - in fact it’s easier to build respect if you are nice.
My advice is to never lower your standards but allow mistakes as a way of learning and improving. Don’t judge the person but do say when some piece of work hasn’t reached an acceptable standard. Help them understand what needs to be done to put it right.
Don’t take on everyone’s problems. If they bring problem make sure they also bring a solution.
Be kind. Do the right thing. Don’t become involved in petty politics or disputes. Expect adult behaviour in the workplace.
Reward three times as often as you criticise. Send emails that say thank you and well done. Recognise success. Celebrate success - a particularly good week, bring in a tub of Roses and a thank you card.
Relax. Enjoy. Smile. Ask about their holidays.
Ask for feedback. Ask the team what you could do better. Ask how you could better support them.

I used to manage teams, I was so lucky my boss was a fantastic mentor. He recommended the I'm Ok You're Ok book too. Also look at the One Minute Manager. My old manager genuinely wanted to ensure I had a career path and actively sought opportunities for me to show my strengths. It was incredibly motivating. I am not sure if the same opportunities exist for your team, but it is always good to know what their aims are (and err manage their expectations).

Definitely get some training for yourself.

good luck. as my fil told me: all management is people management!

I totally get it, I also hate being a manager, I only do it for the money. Nothing constructive to add really, just know you are not alone.

You are doing well for such a young age. I’m 49 this year and feel like hiding myself some days when I’m in and I own the bloody place

LOL - same!