To feel like this is inappropriate?

[Neverknewitdbelikethis]

So I’ve been in a LDR with a man I really like for 4 months. He broke up with his ex a couple of months before we got together and he now lives about 10 mins from the family home. He hasn’t told his ex about me yet as it’s fairly new and he doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable between him and her, and therefore risk things being difficult for their children (9 and 12). He often takes them to and from school and sometimes eats at his ex’s. Everything is as amicable as it could be given that they’ve fairly recently broken up. He lives about 2 hours from me, I’m a single parent so we see each other on child free weekends.
He’s due to have surgery which will mean a 6-12 week recovery time and at the very least a month of finding dressing and cooking difficult. His ex has suggested that he stays with her while he’s convalescing. She’s in a large house with a spare bedroom. His only family live a 4 hour drive away although he has good friends who live near by. I don’t want to be selfish about this, but I don’t feel ok about it. I don’t think he wants to get back together with her, I trust that he wants to be with me. He”s told me that he and his ex were unhappy together for years but kept their relationship going because of the children. It was a mutual decision to separate. On a practical level, I can see it makes sense, emotionally I’m really not into it. It almost feels like a deal breaker for me. AIBU?

I'd be more suspicious that he was still with his wife in some form (e.g. she thinks they're just taking a break). If not and all is as you say I don't think you can begrudge him this. His ex is obviously still a friend and the only person who can reasonably help by the sounds of it.

I think even after a mutual amicable break up it can still be hard to see your ex with someone else so I can understand that aspect to an extent.

I'd guess he's agreed Witt the wife to move back in for a trial period and he's keeping you in the back burner for if it doesn't work out.

Shoulder surgery is a great excuse not to be able to drive to see you during that time.

You’re a secret because he hopes they’ll reconcile. Staying with his ex after shoulder surgery is just pathetic. He’s a manchild.

And how convenient for him that it’s a LDR.

They definitely are very much separated. Never were married and finances are sorted. He’s a good man and is fully supporting her and their children (not more than he’s should, but definitely more than many do). I met him through mutual friends so have had this corroborated.
Still need to consider wether he’s emotionally ready to be in the kind of relationship I’m looking for. Thank you again for your responses.

My sister did this for her ex. They have a great relationship, he even works for her now. Partners just have to accept it.

You either trust him or don’t.

Well for me the problem is that you're a secret. I can understand shoulder surgery and needing recovery time. Seems reasonable to move in with ex. But why not tell her? He's still too emotionally embroiled. He hasn't got over the relationship break up yet. Things are too raw.

I personally would call time, and when he's feeling better about the break up, then sure. Meet up again. But right now it's too early.

Shoulder surgery? Help getting dressed and showered? Come on, surely you're better than this bullshit.

He's still in the early days of breaking up with his wife (if he is at all!) I would retreat gracefully and leave him to it. If he's serious, and totally into you then he'll come back to you but I would give it time, personally.

I have just had a hip replacement, and I needed precisely two weeks before I could shower alone, make light meals and was driving shortly after. I have been caring for myself and two small children and a teen since day ten!
So I don’t reslly buy his story!
At all.
Is he having the whole shoulder replaced? If not, then it’s not major surgery at all and he could easily manage.
I too would be worried he/she is looking to get back together. I am not sure his ex would be keen to have him and confuse the dc so soon after the split..

Especially with kids involved.

However amicable it is, long relationships take a while to get over. You are probably completely over your ex, and ready to move on, but he won't be at 4-6 months, even if he thinks he is.
Already being kept a secret is bad for your self-worth.

If they are only doing one shoulder he will have the other arm fully functioning, so can easily shower (or use baby wipes or strip wash) and move something from freezer to microwave.......unless he is totally pathetic. He's either been misinformed by someone who thinks men are incapable of doing anything, or he is trying it on. And he will probably be under orders to get it moving anyway asap!

No, he's not being quite honest.

My 87 year old Aunt had major shoulder surgery last year and lives on her own, two hours away from where I live. She had carers come in for half an hour a day to help her shower and dress for a couple of weeks and was given some exercises todo by the hospital. She made a full recovery in a couple of months. So his story/timetable for recovery seems a bit generous for a younger person. Keeping you a secret doesn’t seem great either. I wouldn’t be happy with that.

if he doesnt tell his ex about you i would consider it done, finished in these circumstances.

Hmm - a bit tricky. My XH lived with me for two years after we split, during that time he had a shoulder op., two strokes, and complications after some tests which put him in hospital. I helped him (made him meals, went to a and e with him, visited him in hospital and took him clothing washing stuff, books etc etc) During part of that time he had a fairly new partner, but he asked me to help him out.
I think the reasons were - we'd known each other for over 30 years, so although divorced, he was fine with me helping him with nursing type stuff - I think he kind of didn't want his new girlfriend to see him vulnerabe or helpless. There was absolutely nothing going on - I wouldn;t have gone back with him in a million years - and we have no contact now he is with ihis new partner. He wasn;t interested in me (as in romantically) nor I in him.
The difference though was that his I knew about his new girlfriend and she knew about me - so there was no secrecy.

People do usually need help for a couple of weeks after an op, so it seems a practical solution, but I doubt he'll need to stay there for 12 weeks (recovery time probably means before he regains proper use of his arm not before he can do anything at all - though I guess it depends on the surgery).

The fact is - he's always going to be connected to his XW, they have children. But it doesn't sound as if you trust him completely, and he doesn;t sound as if he is being very upfront with anyone - he's making you uncomfortable and he's not being honest with his X either - and I tend to judge a man on how he treats others as well as me.

If he has no one to care for him when he gets home he is entitled to home help for the duration of his recovery. Tell him to investigate that rather than relying on his ex.

He will 100% NOT be incapacitated for 3 months after shoulder surgery

My DH struggled a bit for a few days so I helped but had I not been there he would just have had a lesser wash and stayed in his dressing gown. After that he had a bit of a faff and wore easier clothes but could have managed fine.
He’s having you on big time
And possibly her....

And DH had a shoulder replacement so major surgery
If it’s more of a rotator cuff tear he is being utterly ridiculous and lying

Sorry but he's playing you. I broke my shoulder and clavicle in my early 20's when I still lived with my parents.

It was agony, fully admit that. However I still managed to wash and dress myself from the outset, and get to work (public transport, couldn't drive for a few weeks) within 10 days of the op.

If I'd had a partner at the time then of course I would have let them help me. As that wasn't the case I managed.

Where does it stop, will she have to wipe his arse as well if he can't shower or dress himself?

Again thank you all for your input. Just as an update. I had a chat with him last night, and firstly you were all correct, it wasn’t a month of being incapacitated, more like a week. Anyway, not only did he totally get what I was saying about feeling uncomfortable regarding him staying with his ex (he’s going to get a friend to come to his for an hour or so for the first few days if he needs it), we also talked about the secrecy. He’s been feeling uncomfortable about it too so I think he’s going to have a chat with his ex. Anyway, just goes to show what we all know anyway. Communication is the key! 😊

My dad has shoulder surgery in his sixties. It was strapped up and he couldn't move it or get it wet.

He still managed to look after himself. He lives totally on his own and has no help. The only thing I did was batch cook and freeze some healthy meals for him.

All's well then. Nothing to see here.