Help me to prepare for death

[mcjx]

Posting here mainly for traffic as I don't really have anyone else that I can speak to.

My dear nan is dying slowly and I need advice on how to try and attempt to mentally prepare for her death. We are not sure how long she has left but we know she is very ill and is deteriorating fast.

For a backstory, she is now 88. She suffered a massive stroke at 71 and wasn't expected to survive. She defeated the odds and lived but was left in a wheelchair, with her right side no longer functioning and her speech and memory affected.

Since the stroke she lived a fairly healthy life and had no physical illnesses and even outlived my grandfather who was younger than her and passed almost 10 years ago.

Anyway, last year in October we found out she had breast cancer. This isn't the first time she has had cancer as she had cancer of the bladder in the 90s but managed to defeat it.

Nan refused all treatment last year due to her age and just wanted to stay at home. Since then she has gotten worse rapidly but more so in the last couple of days. She no longer eats, is throwing up and is bleeding from the bottom (the doctors believe the cancer has spread) and this is probably likely as she has not gone through any treatment. They also think she has been suffering mini stroke attacks as she will have periods where she is dizzy, confused and has difficulty speaking.

I know death is inevitable but I'm really torn up about the prospect of losing her. I have always been so close to her and she's been my second mother in a sense, I think the world of her and it is killing me to see her suffer.

I have dealt with death and grief before when I was 14 - I lost my granddad, stepmother and other nan in the same year. At the time I was young and blocked everything out, it was only when I was about 17 that I started to become really depressed and start the grieving process.

Now that I am older I am worried about how I am going to deal with my Nan passing.

I'm sorry the post is long but I had to get it off my chest. And I hope there is somebody out there who can help me see things differently right now

Thank you..

One thing I have said is that we should be very grateful that she survived for so long after her stroke. No medical professionals believed she would make it out of that alive as it was so massive. She is a miracle and incredibly strong.

This is what I focussed on when my grandma died. She made it to 96. We were fortunate to have her as long as we did.

I don’t think you can really prepare to lose someone. But in our family we tend to celebrate the lives of those who have passed rathet than mourn their death and it has worked well for us.

Sorry for what you are going through.

I am so sorry OP.My husband died,my grandparents and my dad...All were at various stages of their illnesses and I always thought i would be prepared but sadly you are never ready....it is always a shock and at the same time in atleast 2 of the cases it was also a great relief that the suffering was over for them tinged with immense sadness.....I would advise spend as much time together as you can,respect their decisions and take time for yourself....I know you will find the strength and courage to get through this...be kind to you too.I wish you well...its not easy...Best wishes sent

I lost my grandad in similar circumstances last summer, he had a stroke and went down hill after, he was then diagnosed with stomach cancer and given 3 months, he lasted almost a year with no treatment for the cancer but he was bed ridden, by the end it was kind of a relief as he was always such a active man until the stroke. The end was peaceful and he was able to stay at home with a live in carer. My children would visit with me up until the last month or so.

If she can get a good palliative care team they will also provide family support. This includes bereavement support.

You might also benefit from a grief counselor.

You've had lots of good advise here, I would second getting as much help as you can from as many as possible. It is too much to shoulder this on your own.

It is very hard watching someone you love die, but please be reassured that those feelings will fade over time and you will just remember all the good times.x

Oh I'm so sorry dear OP.

I think the PP who suggested seeking support from Macmillan and other organisations is right. You don't have to face this alone, and there are professionals out there who can help.

Loss and grief is part of life. If we don't give it the attention it needs it can tear us apart. I am speaking from experience, and I wish someone had pointed me in the direction of help because, like you, I didn't have anyone else I could speak to at the time.

Please look after yourself in this difficult time too. Try to sleep, eat well, go for a walk every day, rain or shine, as it's proven to be good for your mental wellbeing, even if it's just for half an hour. Be mindful, notice the blossom opening on the trees, the smell of the air, the grass growing, it will give your distressed mind a small but needed break.

I wish you and your dear nan as much peace and comfort as is possible as this time

there will be times when you feel ok times you will feel like crying times when you happily remember all the wonderful times you had together. no one knows how hard it can be losing someone dear it is just something you have to go through least she made the decision about her treatment and was happy about it sending you lots of love and hugs

This is also similar to how my mum died recently. she had a massive stroke in November and was only expected to last about a week. She lost all movement and most of her memory but managed to keep going until February. I knew she was dying, I don't think she did as she was very happy and jolly, but it was agony for us the whole time. I don't honestly know how I got through it, but I did and she finally fell into a coma for a few days and slipped away. Expected but still a horrible shock if that makes sense.

It is so so hard but I do feel blessed that I had her, in a way, for those months and I could talk to her, tell her I loved her and the grand and great grand children got to see her. She was 89. It's incredibly painful but you will be ok I promise. Its the end of a life long lived.

It’s a hard situation to be in, I’m going through similar, although not quite as far down the road as you just now.

The only thing I’d say is you’re in the privileged position of knowing it’s going to happen, so take the chance to say all that you want to say to her, leave nothing unsaid, and when her time comes, you won’t have any guilt or regrets.

Be kind to yourself, I hope your Nan has a peaceful exit when it’s her time

Ach, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through; it’s shit, isn’t it?

I’ve got no suggestions, I wish I knew how to prepare for it. I’m not sure you really can.

All I can suggest is that you spend as much time with her as you feel you can, hold her hand, talk about favourite shared memories.

Do you have any support in RL?

Try to think of it as a life completed rather than a life ended, subtle but very important difference.
Best advice - be kind to yourself. We all handle this differently.

I'm so sorry OP, she sounds like a lovely person to have had in your life.

It's so sad that your grandma and your baby's time on this earth might not overlap. Mine didn't either but I try to see myself as the bridge between them, the love she's shown to you over the years doesn't disappear or die and you have this brand new human to poor some of that love into.

There's no way of preparing and no way of knowing how you'll react when it happens, but you do get to cherish the time you have left as much as is possible.

My mum died 20 years ago. We found out she had pretty serious cancer in June and she died in September. Things that helped me:

• I got to spend her last night with her. I put water on her lips and tongue throughout the night - she was in a coma- I moisturised her dry face, brushed her hair and talked to her a lot. I told her I loved her and that it was okay for her to go, we wanted her to stay but we knew it wasn't possible and we just wanted her to be free of pain and find peace.
• a close friend became pregnant very soon after my mum's death. She loved my mum and when she gave birth to a daughter she named her for my mum which was such a beautiful thing.

But then again, these things were comforts, but I still had difficulty with all of it. I'd lost my father decades earlier when I was a little girl, lost grandparents and then a few years later lost my brother and the thing is each of those deaths hit me differently. The thing to remember is that you will deal with it, it will take time but you'll start to be able to think of the good times without crying. Or, like me with my mum, you'll eventually find yourself able to cry. I was always crier and when my mum died my eyes dried up for three years which made me feel like a bad daughter, but it was just grief.

Soon, you'll be welcoming new life into the world and that will help too, make sense of the whole life and death thing, I hope.

For now, much love to you and take care. You will find that you are much stronger than you feel. Also, the love won't go, it will still be there. x

Thank you all for your positive and reassuring comments.

I am with her now and strangely she seems quite happy but I think she can sense that we are upset. I am trying to be strong but my mums here also and is crying.

Nan knows there is something wrong. She is also asking me how long there is left until baby arrives and is saying she wanted to see him. I have told her she will and I think this is what she is holding on to

I'm very sorry to hear about your Nan coming to the end of her days.

Can you get your local hospice home care team in or McMillan nurses.

@Accountant222 she has a good care team and I believe they have now arranged for Marie curie support additionally x

I want to send you a virtual hug and concur with the advice other users have given.
I have over the years had to deal with the death of at 3 people very close to me, each one, we knew it was coming and we used the time to just be with them.
I made a point of talking about happier times, i used their humour and still tried to talk about other silly things.
I am the type of person who to cope with these situation, took charge and did the planning for the next stage [gently discussing with others, the end of life and funeral wishes]
Maybe when you feel able, make a list on your phone of key things that need to done immediately afterwards and phone numbers of places [it does help, when your very upset and don't want deal with these things-at least you would have a start point] So sorry to mention this aspect and i do not wish to upset you.
Take some time to care for yourself, have a cry, music can soothing-how about playing your favourite songs together.

I'm so sorry OP and am just starting my journey of grief having lost my dad just over a week ago. He was diagnosed with Picks, a rare form of dementia, around ten years ago and told to expect his death within four years. I honestly thought I had grieved for my dad when we 'lost' him around 6 years ago, and it certainly felt like I was caring for a stranger. However all this changed in December when he suffered a minor slip, was admitted to hospital, which brought about pneumonia twice, flu and Norovirus, resulting in a rapid increase in brain cell death. Suddenly my dad, became "Dad" again, and I spent three months watching him deteriorate until he was no longer able to swallow, resulting in his death.

I don't think you can really prepare for this, I thought I was and knew I would be really upset and there was a good chance it would trigger my anxiety and depression. I have stayed strong for Mum and my children, and whilst I have cried a little, know it hasn't really hit me. I am getting support from my GP and I can't recommend this enough.

For me, the hardest part has been arranging the funeral, and I know Mum feels the same. We never really talked about it with Dad, probably because we were in denial of his condition until it was too late. If this is possible, I think talking about what your Nan wants would really help when the time comes. This may seem insensitive but the details are important. Does she want a church service, burial, cremation, favourite hymns, prayers or music pieces, flowers from friends or donations to a charity? What about a funeral tea? Mum has really, really struggled with this as this is really important to her to get it right, I personally couldn't care less.

Practicalities aside, concentrate on making memories and get as many photos as you can. I'm sure you will find you are much stronger than you think you are. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to chat to.

I'm so sorry about your Nan. It's a really difficult time. From my experience (I lost both my Nans last year) it was awful to see them both suffering. One had dementia and one like yours had untreated cancer. As their illnesses progressed it became clearer that their passing away would relieve them of their suffering. I took great comfort from spending time with them (as much as I could - I was heavily pregnant with the first and with a newborn with the second) and with one of them I was able to be with her in her final moments. It is obviously very hard when someone dies, but knowing that both of them are no longer suffering makes me feel a bit better. Find out as much as you can about her life, talk about happy memories together and just cherish every moment you can.

Try to think of it as a life completed rather than a life ended, subtle but very important difference

I like this advice from @Bluetrews

I'm so sorry to hear about your nan, mcjx, and would offer something said to me by a very wise nurse when I lost an elderly relative:

Think of it not as a life ended, but a life completed

It's very clear that you and our lovely nan have been a great deal to each other, so I hope it helps you to let go knowing there are no regrets and that she'll know exactly how much you love her, just as she's always loved you

Wishing you comfort and peace, in the knowledge that there are much worse ways for the end to come

So sorry, justmyview and bluetrews; I cross posted with you, but great minds and all that ...

Waiting for someone to die can sometimes be harder than dealing with it afterwards. You may find when it happens that you have actually done some of your grieving in advance. So sorry you're having to cope with this at a difficult time. Spend all the time you can with her, for a few last loving memories. Xx

op thinking of you and your Nan.
The life limiting illnesses and bereavement topics on here have been invaluable to me when I lost a loved one

@mcjx great I'm glad you have good care in place, it's one worry off your mind. Try and make the best of your Nan's remaining time. Best Wishes x