To want this to go away.

[TooOldForThisUrgh]

So Im married. I wouldn’t say fuzzily loved up happily all the time, but that’s just the way it is. We’ve been through a particularly rough 5 years. We have 3DC who I adore. I’d NEVER stray or even think about. I’ve been with DH for 15 years. He can be adoring to me but he can (and has fairly recently) be absolutely awful.

I have a regular instructor for something that I really love doing, and I’ve actually developed a bit what I think must be a bit of a crush on him. I want to reiterate here that the guy is happily married too and I would never ever act upon it. He’s incredibly good at what he does and what he instructs me with is something that keeps me sane and is a huge part of my life.

Anyway, how do you make these feelings disappear? I don’t really like it and I can’t yo be honest, be bothered having to deal with it. And despite the fact that things aren’t wonderful at home, I actually feel incredibly guilty about it. I also feel guilty for having a bit of a thing for another wonam’s husband. I know it’s not nice.

It’s not like a heart pounding, knee trembling thing, but I’m totally in awe of what he does and I get a bit clumsy in the first few moments of his company, then I’m over it and concentrating.

Is this normal for a married person? I’ve not had this kind of emotion in the entire time I’ve been with DH. Will it go away?

I think the thing that jumps out from your post is that your husband can be absolutely awful to you.

That’s not just irritating or a bit thoughtless or whatever - absolutely awful to you. That’s big. That might be the key to what’s happening.

By the way crushed certainly do fade away after a while but it helps to understand what’s fuelling them.

*crushes

He can be a bit controlling with certain things and recently we fell out about something so badly that after a few months of it constantly resurfacing and causing arguments, I had to see my GP who said I was suffering with depression. (Family and friends knew the story and knew I was definitely not the one in the wrong.)

It has settled down now, and things are ok.

Well, it sounds like there are still big problems at the heart of your relationship. The crush is your subconscious pushing you for an out.

I agree that maybe part of your feelings stem from the lack of affection/lack of relationship fulfilment you've had at home, so you're looking for escapism in a harmless crush to distract yourself a bit. Also he represents a hobby you enjoy, and are good at, is it possible you're transferring the good feelings you get from the activity onto him? With him it's light, you do something you love with him, there's none of the difficulties and strains of your home life. It makes perfect sense you'd feel this way.
Crushes fade, and it sounds like you're able to focus on the lessons after the initial flutter which is good.
If nothing happens I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, fleeting crushes are normal even in long term relationships. But as pp have said I do think it's maybe a deeper symptom about your difficulties at home.

Sparkle

Thank you for that. I think perhaps you’ve hit the nail in the head. It’s the only time in the week where I get true escapism and I always walk home feeling refreshed.

DH now thinks things are fine but I just keep thinking back to the difficult time, and similar episodes over the years before that and can’t help feeling that we aren’t a team. He’s incredibly insecure and I think he can unwittingly take it out on me at times of stress and uncertainty. I stood my ground and that’s why the friction escalated.

It sounds like you still have a bit of a way to go even if he doesn’t seem to think so. Could couples counselling be an option do you think?

He refuses to do anything like that. He’s incredibly stubborn and when we’ve run into problems he just buries his head in the sand and pretends there’s not a problem! He can be very affectionate but he’s also totally disinterested in me as a person.

That's so sad, I'm sorry OP. You deserve a partner who is very interested in you, and wants to work on your marriage. Wish I had more constructive advice.

I really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to respond, so thank you. I was feeling very guilty. I’ve just settled for the situation so it’s not like I’m in total distress! We’ve been together for such a long time but he runs a plumbing business that consumes him so I know it’s not really “him” who is at fault. It’s just the situation. Anyway I feel so much better now I’ve got this off my chest! I was feeling so guilty for having feelings for another man, even if they are just harmless ones. I’ve been so ashamed but it has crossed my mind that it’s possibly more normal than I thought it might be.

I think we all get crushes esp on people we admire - totally normal.

❤️

My husband sounds similar, TooOld, although not identical. He has mental health issues which affect us both. I have had three crushes on other guys in recent years - a sports coach, a friend at a mutual hobby and my GP

For me, they definitely represent a desire to have a "normal" relationship. When I was wanting a baby but DH wasn't "ready", I saw the sports coach engaging with other people's babies and longed for that. With the GP, he's very go-getting and travelled; DH and I rarely go anywhere because he gets anxiety on public transport and doesn't like straying too far from home.

Each time the crush has naturally waned due to my distancing myself as much as possible, although I have felt intensely guilty about them. I also searched for something I didn't like about them and focused on that along with the positives of DH and our relationship. This has worked for me, although the guilt persists. I know DH isn't perfect but he tries his best despite his mental issues and is very loving to me and our DS.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any suggestions apart from that. With any luck your crush will fade away; perhaps focus on doing something nice and different with your DH?