How to get 6yo DD to not be in awe of classmate....

[KrispyKremes]

DD is in Y1.

I don't know if it happens in all classes, but, there's another girl in the class who seems to have somehow convinced the rest of them she is the best thing ever.

I think it's because she comes across very confident and is very bossy.

Yesterday she really upset one of the girls (was proud to hear how kind my DD was and cheered up the sad girl. But DD still saying things to me like "Emma let me sit next to her in assembly yesterday" "Emma says I'm one of her BFFs" then the next day crying because Emma likes my DD but she isn't a 'main BFF' like Olivia is etc etc.

Talking to other mums all the girls seem to just want to do anything to make this kid like them.

GGrrrrr.

I had a chat yesterday how proud I was DD was so kind. And that being kind is the most important thing. She was upset becasue Emma said she is fancy and DD isn't. And I replied "you are fancy, but what's more important being fancy or being kind?" and DD agreed being kind is. But I just know she'll be back in there now and they'll all be treating the 'popular' kid like she's the queen and be trying to win her affections.

She isn't a bad child. I guess this is the dynamic that's happened. So I'm never going to insult the girl to my DD. But is there a way i can make DD see she's just another kid in the class, not the leader etc?

Completely agree with a PP that 'stars fade'.

Some great advice above. Keep doing what you're doing and take on board some of the thoughts of others on this thread to empower your DD.

It's life, I'm afraid. I do remember the really popular girls from primary school not being the popular ones at all in secondary.

You're doing a great job. X

Bloody schools expelling the charismatic kids

My dd is 8 and in with ‘the cool girls’ in her class and I REALLY wish she wasn’t. There’s one girl who rules them all and plays then off against each other and it pisses me off no end. Dd is pretty robust and will play with other people and don’t seem to take offence if she isn’t ‘allowed’ to play with the girl that day but it completely enraged me! I think dd is realising that she’s not cool she’s mean after she came to our house and criticised everything and I (gently) put her in her place.

I tell my kids to be kind regardless of their gender and in general they both are. They also know not to take any shit and it’s ok to stand up for themself when they need to.

I don’t necessarily hide what I think of the annoying kid(s) either. I’m not rude but I don’t pretend they’re not annoying.

Ds went through this briefly but he has a power tolerance for bragging than dd!

Echoing PPs here - there was one of these in each of my primary school classes in the 90s! I can’t explain it but I think the ‘Queen Bee’ thing is very normal behaviour.

Sorry to miss the point of the thread but what does ‘fancy’ mean in this context? Wondering if it’s a regional thing?

God ignore all the typos!

We had this with dd. She was actually besties with this popular girl until something minor happened and the mother reacted as though my dd had abused hers. Dd was in yr1 and 5 at the time (summer born) and this girl was almost a year older, which at that age also makes a massive difference. Because of the mothers batshit reaction, suddenly overnight the girl ignored dd for 6 months and told everyone they could only play with her if they refused to play with dd. This and other things relating to my health sent dd into a bit of a mental health crisis.

Suddenly dd had no friends in the playground so I got her involved in some activities out of school. Firstly very gentle things like rainbows to build her confidence. She grew out of this quickly and I then got her involved in a range of sporty activities, dance etc - she loves sport. I understand your dds circumstances are different but from a confidence perspective it is a really good thing to find friends with common interests out of school.

Having always had difficulty to go to school she became very close to school refusing. It was a tough time. I talked to dd about her unique selling points. Ie not everyone can be popular, she is strong, very loving, great at x sport, good at doing this, a good friend etc. I called her my angel and when she was sad about the girl I’d say she’s popular not everyone gets to be popular. Dds an angel, not everyone gets to the found it very difficult to go to school. Even before this. Had I known about the cuddle button, I would have used that. Trying to associate herself with being mummy’s angel was my way of making her feel warm inside and loving toward herself.

From not having anyone to play with in yr1, dd became very much in demand by yr4. So much so that she was very good friends with 2 different groups. So that they all got to play with her, the two groups of friends agreed a rota, where they alternated between the two groups of friends mon-thurs and dd chose on Fridays. This was obviously without my knowledge and the first I heard of it was dd complaining the school put a stop to it! Perhaps at the time she was considered a popular girl. I really have no idea. All I know is that life really does change and popular children aren’t always popular forever.

Dd now really no longer wants to be friends with the ex friend. But for years she was hankering after it. Even in yr4.

With your dd and this girl, she is being unkind. Your dd has other friends. I would definitely be organising playdates with children other than her. Not to ostracise or be nasty to her. It is of course fine to be a popular child and being popular doesn’t necessarily mean nasty. If you think you can have some kind of influence over the friendship, by all means ask her to come over too and model how “we do things in our house”. Having her over will perhaps give you a bit more understanding about the dynamic between her and your dd. However I wouldn’t be encouraging friendships if you see her being nasty.

Also talk lots to your dd about how she should expect to be treated thus teaching her good boundaries.

*As an aside, can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life

It is actually a huge fault of women to constantly try and be ‘kind’ to their own detriment

She should be encouraged to reflect on and be aware of how her actions effect others and through this see that the strong girl is actually using her behaviour to make others feel sad or left out. That is thus not actually good behaviour and not something your DD should seek to get approval for.

So shine a light on how this girl actually makes others feel and how true friends let us be and don’t play with our emotions

But leave out the be kind mantra*

god please yes stop going on to girls that they have to be kind

and don't use the word bossy

you wouldn't describe a boy as bossy

Yes there are girls like this but tell dd to play with someone else and to stick up for herself.

I think "fancy" means cooler/better accessories, having better versions of everyday things, being allowed to experiment more, being more fashionable, knowing more about what's cool and what's not, the latest crazes, the latest dances. Being "in the know". That's what "fancy" meant to us in my day. We had a fancy girl in our class too (last child, only girl, indulgent parents) but fortunately for her she was nice with it and wasn't at all a show-off (see, it is possible!)

All three of my dds had clubs out of school with friends there. When they came home pissed off about so and so leaving them out, I could remind them that school is for learning and their great friends were out of school. This might seem a bit harsh but it almost completely negated the effect that the more controlling children had on them at school.

This happens in every class in every year.

Chill and let your dd figure out what she wants to do with her friendships. The source of all anxiety with girl friendships is mainly parents getting involved. Let them sort themselves out, and celebrate your dd's emotional integrity. Steering in any direction is likely to end up backfiring.

I think "fancy" means cooler/better accessories, having better versions of everyday things, being allowed to experiment more, being more fashionable, knowing more about what's cool and what's not, the latest crazes, the latest dances. Being "in the know". That's what "fancy" meant to us in my day. We had a fancy girl in our class too (last child, only girl, indulgent parents) but fortunately for her she was nice with it and wasn't at all a show-off (see, it is possible!)

yup, dd2 was like this and always has been. Pretty, confident, happy, always smiling, nice clothes (hand me downs from older cool sister). Some girls were very keen to try and bring her down a bit, but it didn't work, she's almost 17 and still like it. She's nice too, not so nice that she feels she is responsible for everyone's feelings though, and I tell her that as long as she isn't deliberately nasty then she is absolutely not responsible for anyone else's feelings about her.

I think this is normal, kids look up to other kids etc. If you do not want your dd to look up to her or be so close, just explain the reasons why and encourage other friendships. On occasion, my dd started playing with a child who is a bad influence (saying bad words and doing naughty things). I asked my dd to play with other dc who are well behaved in the class etc and that was that. It made a difference, as my dd would get influenced by the dc who did not have the best behaviour. So she would get into trouble as well. Anyway, this was two years ago and she has made other friends etc. And also these so called popular girls change every year or so. It was the same when I was growing up. I used to admire a girl who was popular when we were year 1, by year 3 this girl's popularity went completely and someone else took over.

It’s very interesting. I’m yet to reach this with dd as she’s little but I know from having two boys how different that feels from the female friendships fostered at my school.

I see it in the way the age 9s behave now. It could be just pure socialisation but it is interesting to observe.

Went through it with DD1 at the same sort of age - child in question was very much glammed up to the eyeballs by mum (who, although lovely, was very very image-orientated and had passed this on to her child from a very young age) - lots of wanting the same hair style as X and "X says I have to wear these clothes to be cool" type nonsense. I squashed it down quite hard as X struggled with the idea of friendships being open and fluid and had a history of latching onto a child and not allowing them to be anyone else's friend for months - so we went through how friends fall out, and it was a sensible thing to do to make sure that we play with all our different friends and just to be friendly and kind to everyone but say no if you're not happy doing something... and it did even itself out after a while.

DD2's that age now and we've had similar focal classmates appear with quite a nasty bullying undertone going on - facilitated by the mum who only wanted the child to be friends with the girls she deemed to be pretty and well-presented (with similarly well-groomed parents) for her child. Thankfully the child in question has moved on now and DD2 is very emotionally resilient with the attitude that if someone isn't going to play with her she'll find a better offer or amuse herself - but the dynamic seems to appear at that age. There's also a similar dynamic with the boys in the class where one lad (who is absolutely lovely) who is very articulate, confident, academically good and good at football (the key factor in playground currency) is very much the kid most of the boys are desperate to hang around with.

I also find if my ds has a fall out with another boy, it's forgotten about very quickly whereas within my dds friendships, incidences are remembered.

We had a queen bee......... I met her the other day, we are both middle aged, I was with my children , seems she never married, had children or even got a decent job, I actually felt sorry for her.

And yet you judge her by whether she married or had children or had a high flying career? She had the life she chose. Same as you have the life you chose.

Ugh

I hate the sight of grown women delighted that a confident popular child has somehow not been successful in life

There will always be women prettier, thinner, richer and more popular than you. Get over it.

Agree with you Faza. The contempt for these small children from some posters ☹️

It is perhaps not a coincidence that mothers who feel satisfaction at the sight of a once popular child becoming an unsuccessful adult have children that struggle with relationships with popular kids.

This seems to happen in a lot of classes, all 3 of my dd's have been in this situation over the years, rhinking someone is amazing, pretty much because the other girl is usually very confident, outgoing etc snd always around age 6 or 7, drives me a bit crazy!

"ppeatfruit

Yes Violet he seems to inspire others to follow him, mind you the first school was a not very good Steiner. The 2nd was also private, he was influenced by older boys and the Head didn't want his class to follow him!"

It's difficult to not interpret this to mean your son was expelled for influencing bad behaviour in the other boys. They're not going to expel a boy for influencing all the other boys to be polite, quiet, and well behaved are they?

*As an aside, can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life

It is actually a huge fault of women to constantly try and be ‘kind’ to their own detriment*

Absolute shite! I have 2 sons I have always kept up the "be kind mantra" because everyone should be kind to each other.

you wouldn't describe a boy as bossy

Actually I tell my youngest ds to stop being bossy all the time and have described him as bossy on several occasions 🤷