Am i being unreasonable in my perceived favouritism of my parents treatment of my sister over me?

[Carter7654]

Recently I have fallen out with my mum over this which has been an issue which has been simmering for some time. My mum has made it crystal clear she feels I am the one being unreasonable; but I feel unable to quite let it go and feel like I am at least partly justified to feel the way I do.

My husband and I have a toddler and another on the way. He also has two children from a previous marriage aged 11 and 13 that stay with us half the week. We both have decent jobs and own our own home although I wouldn’t say that we live an extravagant life style and I don’t spend much money on myself as just making sure our bills are paid and our children have everything they need seems to take up most of our income.

My sister also has three children. Her older two are 12 and 9 and her youngest is 8 months. She recently split with her husband and then (accidentally!?) managed to fall pregnant with his baby that he then failed to financially support her with. She has never worked since her oldest was born whereas I returned to work four days a week to quite a stressful occupation when my little one was nine months old.

My parents have always financially helped her out but since she split with her husband this has escalated or maybe I just perceive it more as I can’t help now we both have children compare more. Recently as my sister had to move out her married home they helped her get a rented home and are now topping up her rent every month. It was upon the understanding that my sister would look for work to top up the rent herself but this isn’t materialising and my sister has said to me that she isn’t particularly keen to get a job and to be honest I don’t feel she has much of an incentive to as she knows my parents will continue to foot the bill while she isn’t.

I wouldn’t particularly have an issue with this if it wasn’t for the fact that my sister affords to pay for things that I can’t, such as regularly getting her hair and nails done, buying herself and her kids lots of clothes. Also my mum charges me for looking after my children two days a week while I am at work and yet she’s always running around after my sister and looking after her kids for free and I feel like the money I’m paying her is sort of being redirected towards my sister.

However what brought it to a crunch was that for all my sisters children including her latest my mum bought them all a prank. To be fair she did this also for my son but it has fallen to bits now and will need replacing for the new baby. I assumed that she would also buy this baby a pram but when I brought this up my mum acted a bit affronted and said that she wouldn’t be able to afford to with her current circumstances and that me and my husband should be expected to buy our own given that we both earn decent amounts. I think this is unfair but I’m also upset that my mum keeps bringing up with me how she doesn’t feel that she can keep on paying my sisters rent and that she may have to go back to work to be able to do this. She keeps saying that she intends to go back to work almost as soon as I go on maternity leave and therefore I feel I can wave goodbye to any support (practical) I might get from her during this period. It upsets me a bit as she is all over my sister at present offering to look after her children even though the other two are at school all day, running her around everywhere as she can’t drive, and then I feel like she’s implying that I can just manage without even though at times I will have four children in the house on my own and two small children with me all day. It upsets me that my mum and I are suffering the implications; yet no word seems to have been passed that maybe he onus should be upon my sister to face up to her responsibilities or otherwise get a house that’s within her means.

So given the situation, how should your mum behave to not make you feel hard done by - given she has limited funds and time ?

Used to have similar issues with mine - sister despite having same opportunities, never made use of them and kept messing up. And it appeared that she was being rewarded as parents felt sorry for her. Ultimately I have a happier life than her........ plus my mum also came to a realization and is now more equal

When youre busy thinking " it's not fair" ask yourself if your sister thought her life would turn out this way. Did she want to be left with three kids? You dont know what sort of mindframe she was in to have the third or maybe how difficult it is to go through with an abortion. You have a good life. You are happy. You have a career and a loving husband. Sometimes others do need more support because of shitty life choices. Would you prefer it if she was abandon to shame her for her poor life choices?

You should be proud of yourself and everything you've achieved, OP. Your mother is making a rod for her own back with all this indulging of your sister. If your sister can't afford the rent she needs to find somewhere cheaper to live.

And you'll be on matleave fairly soon so you won't need to spend out money on childcare and dm's income will go down. She is treating you differently, but it doesn't mean she should be giving you more. She should give your sister less.

No way in Hell would I pay my parent for childcare whilst they babysat other grandkids for free when their parents doesn’t even fucking work.

This. This is a clearly unfair situation.

Hello, thanks for all the messages. It’s obviously getting mixed views. Just to clarify a couple of things, my mum offered to look after my children, it wasn’t foisted upon her. I had already arranged private childcare but then I thought if the arrangement suited my mum and also saved me some money, then it was a win-win situation. However, it hasn’t worked fantastically as I do resent the money I give to my mum which indirectly then goes to my sister; plus, my mum likes to dicatate the terms in which she looks after my children. For instance, she refuses my give my son tea even though my husband and I don’t get home from work until about seven so he ends up eating and going to bed really late which I don’t think is good for him and she can be quite petty about doing small things like I asked her to run him to a play group I had arranged for him to go to the other day and she refused saying it was too far to travel even though it was only ten minutes down the road. This is in spite of the fact she is forever running around after my sister and even takes one of her children to school and back just so my sister doesn’t have to push the baby in his pram which I find a bit pathetic but wouldn’t really bother me if it wasn’t such an effort for her to do it for me and my kids.

Yes, I shouldn’t be so bitter and comparing but it’s hard not to when it happens time and time again, and yes,
I may reconsider my childcare options when I go back to work.

Also, I obviously wouldn’t prefer to be in my sisters shoes but I also feel like my life isn’t easy for different reasons. I have a demanding job, and then juggling the childcare and housework in my spare time. Sometimes I almost envy my sister the way she is at home all day with her baby (and sometimes mine when she is with my mum) and being taken on lots of lovely outings with my mum. She has a different mentality to me and just seems to take it for granted hat she should still be able to treat herself and my mum just foot the bill; whereas that wouldn’t sit ok with me; but sometimes feel like Maybe I’d be better off it I’d done the same...

Yeah but your mum's worried about money and to a certain extent resents the jmposition , even though she volunteers for it. And you'd be bored sitting around at home. It's hard being at work but OMG it's tedius sitting around at home with small children.

Yes I have to admit I was wondering whether she was implying this too. If so, I have enough financial demands on me to provide for my own children, than to pay for hers just because she’d rather be a sahm then go out to work herself for a living

You'll feel a lot less bitter if you find a childminder for your toddler and new baby. Someone who'll look after them a lot better than your mother seems to. Not going to playgroups and not feeding your toddler tea at a sensible time is odd and mean.
Additionally you won't have to see or interact with your mother as often.

You need to detach. Find other childcare and step away from both your sister and your mother.

I think your sister is taking the piss and your Mum is well meaningly trying to help her out of a hole. But that should be a temporary arrangement whilst your sister gets herself back on her feet.

However I'm not sure that you should be bailing in and wanting as much support so it's fair. It makes you both sound quite entitled to expect your Mum to keep shelling more and more out in a tit for tat list of demands.

Your poor Mum. You know she might have to go back to work yo pay for your sisters rent do now you have added something else you expect her to pay for - a pram. Why should she? You are all independent adults and neither of you should be having children you can't afford.

Put yourself in your Mums shoes. Would you be happy with ongoing expectations and demands for gifts and childcare and rent. I hope my kids don't treat me that way! My parents never gave me anything extra for my children nor did my Mum ever look after my children (paid or not). She did do this for my sisters but felt she was too old when mine came along. Fair enough.

Expect nothing but love from your Mum. She needs to grow some balls and put a limit on your sister expecting to be subsidised. Not have more demands made of her.

With the updated information re not feeding and refusing activities and taking money from while running around after your sister, l would be seeking alternative childcare asap. Your poor boy!

My DSis is like this, she seems to feel entitled to huge amounts of support which she is never grateful for - and then gets cross and jealous with DM when she can't do help because she has a commitment to me and my siblings for something.

What has helped me is that I try very hard not to compare between me and DSis anymore, but rather between me and non family members. Yes, it still grates than DM spends a lot of money supporting DSis including on things we do without because we can't afford them - but she actually still does a lot for me, more than some of my friends' parents do for them. If your DSis wasn't there - would you still be unhappy with what your DM is currently doing to help you? If the answer is yes, then you have a point - if the answer is no, it's jealousy speaking.

Okay, it DOES sound like it's unfair but you need a leg to stand on first before you can tackle it again.

First of all, the Pram thing is just silly. You say you have a toddler so surely you still have a working pram/pushchair - will that not do for the new baby? I managed to string my baby jogger out for 7 years! I know it seems that it's unfair that your new baby is going to be the only one without a new pram but everyone's financial circumstances have changed and once you've got more than one kid, it's very much about making do with what you've already got - OR - you, as the parents who chose to have another kid, should incur the costs involved. It's like seeing people throw another baby shower for their 4th child - all a bit grabby. The pram thing is a first world problem, so definitely let that one go.

The childcare thing you have a very good point on. The fact that she charges you to look after your kids and won't feed your son tea or take him out is pretty bad - especially if she does the same for your non-working sister for free. Definitely line up new, professional childcare for when your ML finishes and then give it another 6 months after that. See if she makes more effort to see your kids once she's not being paid for it. If not, then raise it again and SHE will be the one who doesn't have a leg to stand on. You can tell her that it's obvious that she prefers the company of your sister and her kids. But hopefully she will knick the favouritism on the head if you disengage. You will also feel far less resentment if you leave them to their cycle of enablement and look after yourselves.

I've been in your sisters position (single mum of 3) although I do work and it's not easy even when you're out of work! However I do think you have a fair point here, maybe just wait until you're squeaky clean before you raise it again. Sympathies OP.

When you go on maternity leave is a perfect time to stop the childcare arrangements. And then when you return to work, you will need to make different arrangements anyway, because it will be for two children. No need to make a big deal about it, but definitely make a change. Pay someone who isn't a family member.