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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at my partner ?

54 replies

Jax07 · 19/03/2019 12:56

My partner travels abroad with his work a lot . He's just flown back home from across the world yesterday for 2 day than he is off again for 8days back home for 2 days and off again for half a month.
I have taken today and tomorrow off work so we can have a bit of quality time.
He's wrecked, tired and struggling to keep conversation up and basically dragging me across town whilst he is sorting his errands.
This is not quality time and I haven't had a chance to catch up with him. He's not interested in anything I say even tho I have a couple of exciting things happening in my life in the near future. This makes me feel little, maybe worthless like I have to respect that he is tired and fair enough but I feel like I'm making an effort here.
AIBU ? Do I ask too much?

He's also taken me out for lunch however I ended up paying for it as he made me feel bad about my ordering too many things. He said he was just joking but I felt a bit embarrassed and I just paid for it. I don't need a man to buy me lunch however sometimes a little treat feels good and I just ordered what I wanted. I don't know at the end it my fault as I couldn't take the joke?

OP posts:

ScafellPoke · 19/03/2019 17:49

My dh works away too, we email daily about random shit but we don’t really speak on the phone as we are both too busy.

I also do errands for him, so when he’s home he doesn’t have to worry. Could you do this?

Original poster

Jax07 · 19/03/2019 17:55

Yeah I do that. I have been his PA the past 2 years pretty much. Post runs, prepare the house for viewings (his house) as he's selling making sure I do a big food shop before he is back clean the house , organise holidays dealing with his tenants (although they gone now but yeah I did it when he rented out) you name it ...

OP posts:

Sirzy · 19/03/2019 18:00

It sounds like it’s not the relationship for you. You can’t expdct him to be able to be all flowers and romance in a two day trip home but then your not unreasonable to want that.

My partner works away a lot so I know that a lot of “admin” stuff will fall on me simply because he isn’t here to do it. It’s sort of part and parcel of the relationship BUT it works for both of us which is why it works

adaline · 19/03/2019 18:06

He must be absolutely shattered. I've done a lot of long flights and always get off feeling wrecked. Then he has to come home, run errands and entertain you, while also catching up on sleep and getting ready for his next flight in 48 hours - poor bloke probably doesn't know whether he's coming or going!

However that's not an excuse for just hanging up on you mid-conversation and not making time to speak to you everyday. It only days a minute or so to send a text or e-mail while you're on the toilet - nobody is that busy. People who want to speak to you will make that effort.

Preggosaurus9 · 19/03/2019 18:09

I'd be unhappy with a partner who was away that frequently. YANBU to say to him it's not working for you anymore and he either changes jobs or you walk away. But YABU to stay with him and make both of you miserable.

Frenchmontana · 19/03/2019 18:10

It's not the right relationship for you anymore.

He has 2 days. To do errands whether important or not. When knackered after travelling I find it hard to concentrate I probably seem uninterested and might even say something I shouldn't, by just not thinking.

You are picking up a lot of slack and no wonder you feel neglected.

He is focused on work and doesnt have much downtime. You want more attention than he can give.

I see both sides.

Hanab · 19/03/2019 18:19

my gosh would he not just want to spend time with you .. you know jump your bones! I can’t deal with this situation OP LoLz since I first read it it’s been on my mind .. pin him down confiscate his phone and make him listen ( ok over dramatic ) but still .. you have to make him give you individed attention before he leaves and ask him what is it that he wants expects feels like he is bringing to this relationship .. it just seems as if you are another pitstop in his very busy life ...

I will now try to refrain from posting anymore as I am getting worked up for you OP ..

Hope he values you🌷

Sausagerollers · 19/03/2019 18:20

Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Long distance is hard, both of you have to really work to give it even a small chance of success. Sounds like he can't be arsed to put the effort in, so that's the death knell really isn't it.

You can do better, move on.

kbPOW · 19/03/2019 18:22

Mumsnet has really rallied round your 'poor partner'. He makes literally no effort at all in your relationship. How could you possibly feel loved or cared for? I suspect that it you tell him that you would need things to change significantly because it's not working for you, he will be off like a flash. You deserve more.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 18:24

You won’t see him till July? I don’t see the point.

Ellisandra · 19/03/2019 18:33

I’m the traveller in our marriage - weekly though, and short haul.

Sometimes I’m knackered, and busy. Sometimes I say “I’m sorry, I’m too tired to even think let alone communicate” and he says “then don’t, sit back and let me cuddle you”.

Tired and busy is no reason to cut someone out.

I’m that you say he hangs up on you when you’re taking during his trips! WTF?!! What do you actually mean by that? Ends a call sooner than you would? Has to go suddenly due to work? Or actually hangs up on you? If the latter, the disrespect of doing it ONCE would have me ending it.

I think you wanted too much of him when he was tired - but I also think this has just run its course.

2isur2isubicurtis4me · 19/03/2019 18:39

What's the deal with the house selling? Is he moving in with you? In which case it would save you a whole heap of work if he just moved in so his house was always show home ready and reduce your running about.

daisyjgrey · 19/03/2019 18:53

Why are you in this relationship?

ElloBrian · 19/03/2019 19:34

My word. What’s in it for you?! I think you need to seriously reappraise this situation I’m afraid.

OohYeBelter47 · 19/03/2019 21:03

I wouldn't stay in a relationship for so little return and it doesn't sound like it is working for you either. Time to find someone who is more available?

AgentJohnson · 20/03/2019 05:24

For some people if you act like a doormat, they’ll treat you like one. The onus is always on the one not benefiting from the status quo, to change it.

Why have you surrendered so much power to this man? Prioritising someone who treats you like an option, is never a good idea.

kbPOW · 20/03/2019 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kbPOW · 20/03/2019 07:43

I reported my post - wrong thread!

SavageBeauty73 · 20/03/2019 08:26

You are not going to see him until July? 2 days of errands now. Sounds like it's run its course. It doesn't sound fun at all. Will his travelling change in the future?

Happynow001 · 20/03/2019 08:44

Post runs, prepare the house for viewings (his house) as he's selling making sure I do a big food shop before he is back clean the house , organise holidays dealing with his tenants

Sorry OP so many questions. What do you mean by the comments above? Do you have your own house and you are sitting out his house for him? Are the two of you planning on moving in together?

What are you getting from this stressful, one-sided sounding relationship, with you doing all the "wifework"

He treats you like his PA but:

Sometimes he would just hang up on me and I know he is busy and his job is demanding but it makes me feel shit.

Does he ever explain why he does this?

How do you see your future working out with him if this situation continues as it currently is?

Happynow001 · 20/03/2019 08:46

Oops. Sorting out his house for him - not "sitting"

TheMightyToosh · 20/03/2019 09:42

I think in a long-term partnership you have to carry each other at different times and be the one keeping the home fires burning while the other is over stretched.

However, it sounds like this happens too often and you're having to carry him more than he reciprocates, so I would agree with PP that you need to talk to him about how this can work better in the future.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2019 09:48

right now it's 5:30 we are home I have been doing his washing, pottering around etc and he is just on his laptop or phone

Stop! Why are you doing his washing? Can he not use a laundry service while he's away? You sound like his PA, not his partner.

Notwiththeseknees · 20/03/2019 10:01

Busy, busy man! He doesn't need a partner, he needs a housekeeper/PA/driver. Oh, wait......

saccade · 20/03/2019 10:01

Do you want another five years of this?

Does he really hang up on you? That is horrifically disrespectful. I think he couldn’t care less about you. He just sees you as a convenience.

It is a terrible mn cliche to say this, and I know it’s a distance to infer it from what you’ve written, but I’d not be surprised in the least if he hasn’t been faithful these past five years. You are simply a free PA and meet most of his needs. What needs does he meet of yours?

He chose this job; he’s chosen it for five years now with no hint of compromise as to his time spent away or number of trips. I really think he maintains this ‘relationship’ so he has someone to service his needs when home

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