To have gone for a drink by myself?

[lovelilies]

I was supposed to meet two friends for drinks and a pub quiz last night but they cancelled at short notice. I was in the mood for going out so I decided to go anyway, on my own.
My DP (don't live together, long history, 2 DC together, he had them at his last night) said I shouldn't go out alone.
He only knew I was out alone because I told him my friends had baled and asked if he fancied meeting me (his parents are up staying with him so could babysit).
He texted 'Because there are dick head men out there who’d love to take advantage! You have a family at home and it’s not the right thing to do...'
it's really pissed me off. He's coming from the 'I'm worried for your safety' angle, however he never asked me to let him know I was home safe/ checked up if I'm ok.
I do have a tendency to overreact but AIBU?
So not to drip feed, I had 1/2 a beer, and still collected teenage DD from hobby and was home by 8.30pm!

We aren’t all confident well rounded very sure of ourselves individuals, and I do think pub on your own is testing a relationship that is fragile

Why? Even if the relationship was fragile ( which we don't actually know) then I still fail to see why this would be an issue. Why is a pub different to any other social space?

This isn’t an abusive man screaming at his partner
Abuse takes many, many forms....it doesn't have to be loud.

like a man on his own with the kids imagining his partner in the pub and feeling insecure. That's his issue to work on.

And I do think you are all gunning down the OPs partner as if he were absolutely dreadful. I think that is a pretty extreme reaction.

I'm sorry you feel challenging misogynistic, sexist attitudes extreme. I actually wish more people would do it.

Would you feel the same about a man going to a pub on his own? Or is that acceptable?

Thank you so much for all the replies. Especially Did he think you would be doing shots and dancing on the bar with your knickers on show?

Even worse, he was asked to join the OP and he declined, but still expected her to stay put at home.

Tell him he's being ridiculous and that the vast VAST majority of attacks on women are by men known to them, not some random in the street, it's vanishingly rare. In fact he's more likely to get beaten up in a mugging, that's the highest stat for street attacks, men on men if the victim appears to be teenage up to his 40s. Maybe he shouldn't go out alone...

I’ve been out loads by myself and always get approached by men. He is not being totally out of the realms of madness here, to imagine that scenario, especially a pub. Not Starbucks! Never been approached there.

I don’t think the OP is having an affair or deliberately trying to get men. However I think she’s after telling her DP that it’s her right and he’s being terrible. Especially if she’s asking on MN. She’d get a different response on a Male forum.

However I do think that the OP is being insensitive to her partner, and not respecting the relationship. He is insecure and that do you know what, it’s because he probably does love her and want them to be closer. And yes it probably also does do his head in that he’s sat at home with the kids whilst she’s out, there’s probably some male ego involved, but I’d feel the same.

I have a friend who’s husband goes to the pub in the evenings on his own sometimes and it’s not great for them. She never does, she’s stuck with the kids, and their relationship is rocky. They bought it up at couple counseling and agreed that he’d stop doing it. Because they were a team, not because either is controlling.

Well, everyone's different but I could never be with someone who didn't want me going out alone. DH and I are both people who need space as well as togetherness, and as long as he knows I'm physically safe he isn't fussed where I go or what I do alone. Heck, I recently went on holiday for a week on my own! I know that's not for everyone but I can't imagine being in a relationship where I couldn't even go for a drink alone. It's about trust as much as anything else.

(If I'm sitting in a pub alone, BTW, I tend to be reading or doing something else on my phone, so any unwelcome approaches can easily be dealt with just by returning to what I'm doing. It's a bit of a pain reading a 'real' book, though, as I've found idiots tend to make a point of doing that 'turns head upside down to read title then asking 'What are you reading?' regardless that they've just seen that for themselves' thing. )

My DH (and all my previous partners) have always been happy for me to go to a pub alone, and vice versa. They/you have to trust that you/they aren't on the pull or can resist being chatted up. If they/you don't then that is a more fundamental issue.

Yes, of course you get chatted up in the pub. But as a lone woman/woman-without-partner, you also get chatted up in a coffee shop, on the train, at a work etc. Either he trusts you to resist the temptation (even after a couple of drinks) or he doesn't.

Take advantage? Of what? Do you fall over and become desperate for sex from any man after a drink?

@constnaza I think I do stick up for feminism and I am a feminist.

I think this kind of absolutely gunning down a man for what is totally understandable is what degrades and muddies the waters of what misogyny is.

I would and do feel insecure if my partner chose to be in a pub on his own over his family and I would say something.

And yes of course the OPs partner is voicing his insecurities in a clumsy way.

But OP. Is this how you want your relationship to head? Where you just tell each other, we don’t live together, but also we can both go out on our own to pubs, and if either of us feels insecure we just tell the other one they are abusive?

Do you love him?

I do it, sometimes for lunch and coffee while I'm shopping too.

Tell him the 50s have called and they want his attitude back.

Nothing wrong with it at all and not his place to decide you shouldn't do it.

I travel alone for work and usually eat in pub/restaurants. I've never once had a dickhead guy try to take advantage and have a family at home too. What am I supposed to do? Sit in my room with a soggy sandwich?

Omg, this is hilarious, it's 2019, of course YANBU, I go out all the time when my ex has our DS, to the theatre, cinema, pub by myself. I'm a confident, worldly 41 year old woman, sorry but your DP sounds like a dick!

Tanners it’s different as you need to eat out. What the OP is doing is going to a pub on her own just for a drink whilst her partner is nearby but home with the kids. Totally totally different.

I actually feel so sad that we are so black and white that we can’t give this guy any compassion. He probably feels crap, lonely and desperate to feel higher up in his partner’s feelings towards him.

And everyone here is calling him abusive and name calling.

I’ve been out loads by myself and always get approached by men. He is not being totally out of the realms of madness here, to imagine that scenario, especially a pub. Not Starbucks! Never been approached there.

But it's your responsibility to say no if you are in a relationship. I get approached when i'm out on my own but that doesn't mean I should stop going out. If you trust someone it shouldn't matter.
What are you suggesting...women in relationships shouldn't go out to pubs on their own??

However I think she’s after telling her DP that it’s her right and he’s being terrible. Especially if she’s asking on MN. She’d get a different response on a Male forum.

Only if that forum was full of misogynistic men. My DH would not respond differently to me ( and the majority of posters)

And yes it probably also does do his head in that he’s sat at home with the kids whilst she’s out, there’s probably some male ego involved, but I’d feel the same
It was ONE drink!!!! She was home by 8.30.....why would it have been okay if her friends had turned up as planned? What is the difference?

I have a friend who’s husband goes to the pub in the evenings on his own sometimes and it’s not great for them. She never does, she’s stuck with the kids, and their relationship is rocky. They bought it up at couple counseling and agreed that he’d stop doing it. Because they were a team, not because either is controlling

That is a completely different scenario. Everyone is entitled to go out and got out alone if they wish...it becomes a problem when it impacts on family life or if one half of the couple doesn't get equal downtime. But being in a couple doesn't mean stopping going out completely. It's about balance.
For example, DH was away with work over the weekend, MIL had our DS overnight for one of the nights. I was due to meet a friend in our local at 6pm but i was ready at half 4 so went early and had a drink on my own and chatted to some of the locals ( male and female) before my friend arrived at 6.
On the other hand my DH regularly goes to the pub to watch football. Sometimes with friends but often on his own. There is nothing wrong with either of those scenarios.

I give up!

Good luck with your relationship OP. You might need it!

I did challenge him and he said he couldn't see any of my friends doing this (?!) and I should just do what I want as I always do 🙄

We split 3 y ago when I was of with our 2nd dc.
He's 'changed' in that time, become a better father, realised his priorities etc so I'm giving him another chance. This has taken me back though.

I think I do stick up for feminism and I am a feminist
But a women in relationship shouldn't go to a pub alone....hmmmm

I think this kind of absolutely gunning down a man for what is totally understandable is what degrades and muddies the waters of what misogyny is

It's not understandable and it is misogyny ....no muddy waters here

I would and do feel insecure if my partner chose to be in a pub on his own over his family and I would say something

So one drink, one night is choosing the pub over family? I think you are projecting massively here.
Lets not forget.....she was meant to be going out with friends anyway. He had no issue with that. The issue is with her having a drink on her own ....that's what makes him a misogynist.

He probably feels crap, lonely and desperate to feel higher up in his partner’s feelings towards him

She went out for one half of lager!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he was happy for the OP to go out with female friends but not happy for her to go out on her own, this has nothing to do with his feeling neglected- it's all about wanting to control the OP's potential interactions with other men. He doesn't need "compassion", he needs to stop being a knob

However I do think that the OP is being insensitive to her partner, and not respecting the relationship.

I just don't get this 'respect' thing. My DP often goes to the pub on his own to work for a bit in the early evening, as his studio closes quite early and often he needs a bit more time. I'll be working at home, or starting on dinner, or out doing something else. It never occurs to me to feel 'disrespected'. What does that even mean in this context?

You're right, though, Orange, the OP might need luck with her relationship if her DP thinks his is an appropriate attitude.

He texted 'Because there are dick head men out there who’d love to take advantage! You have a family at home and it’s not the right thing to do..

Sorry, but lolled at "it's not the right thing to do!" Tell him the 1950s called, they want their attitude back and in case he missed the memo, women are allowed to unchain themselves from the kitchen sink nowadays for a little bit
Nobber. (Him, not you lol.)
As for if DH came out with "dickhead men who like to take advantage" if DH came out with that I'd be tempted to raise an eyebrow and chuck in a "wahey!" comment.
YADNBU, nothing wrong with women going out along FFS, I've done it loads of times.

He probably feels crap, lonely and desperate to feel higher up in his partner’s feelings towards him.

Perhaps if he's less of a twat he will feel higher up in his partner's feelings towards him.

OP, I'd be very wary of his "changing". I would bet that given more rope he will hang himself again. You're the best judge, but I suspect you should cut your losses and move on.

I think as long as he never, ever goes anywhere on his own...

No, not even then. He doesn't get to dictate that the OP stays home when he has declined her invitation to join her. He can sod off.

However I do think that the OP is being insensitive to her partner, and not respecting the relationship.

For daring to leave the house and go to a pub by herself?
Give over!
Wimmin! Know your limits. Those aren't the type of establishments a lady should frequent.