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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have called nspcc.

49 replies

PurpleThistles · 19/03/2019 00:37

My dd2 is 12 and on friday, her best friend of the same age had a sleepover at our home. Nothing out of the usual there. Next day, saturday, my dc go for visitation with their father and so the best friend usually heads home when they go.

This time however, she was visibly upset and after some gentle prodding, she told me her father, who has custody of her, had actually told her not to come home on friday night, because she had not informed him she was going to a youth club that same day, after school. He had text her and told her to 'find somewhere else to stay'.

She went on to say she was frightened to go home because her father drinks with her uncle on a saturday night and gets nasty towards her, threatening to hit her and throwing things about.

There was no way i was going to make her go home and eventually the father text her to say he would phone the police to bring her home. She told him to go ahead as she would tell the police he had been threatening to hit her...to which he replied yes, and so what? Her nan lives with them too and the father said it would be my dd's friend word against his and that the nan would side with him so noone would believe her. He then said she could stay but would be grounded with no phone when she returned home on the sunday.

Sunday morning, i phoned the nspcc. I didnt know best what to do as i wasnt comfortable with her going home. The nspcc contacted the local social services and long story short, social services are opening an investigation.

The problem i have, is i know that the likelyhood is nothing much will happen. I had to report my own kids father three times to the police before they eventually took it seriously and convicted him. Unfortunately, all i have probably done is made things worse for her and also for my dd2 as of course the father will not let his DD socialise with my dd out of school now.

I dont know if i did the right thing and my dd's friend wasnt in school today, i am so worried. What would you have done?

OP posts:

Yougotdis · 19/03/2019 11:07

Sometimes they need multiple reports but you don’t know that your report is definitely the first. After amber peat ss won’t be taking any chances.

HarperIsBazaar · 19/03/2019 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellymart · 19/03/2019 11:10

You did the right thing. It was a brave thing to do, which is why you are worrying/having doubts about it. And as for the father seeming like a doting dad, well it's amazing what an act people can put on, in front of others. My father, I hasten to add, was never abusive in this way but he was a miserable, bad-tempered bully but to the outside world, he was such a lovely man. "Aw, isn't he lovely?" people used to say to me and I would just seethe and think 'If you only knew ..." Well done you and I hope it all works out for this child.

exparrot · 19/03/2019 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TonTonMacoute · 19/03/2019 11:18

Unfortunately if it does escalate and something awful happens, you can rest easy that you did what you could. I would look at it like that.

On a more positive note, it might make the father sit up and start behaving a bit better in future.

You did the right thing.

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 11:19

I think it’s common to feel that you’ve ‘made things worse’ but that’s not true at all.

The girl has told someone and been believed.
Officials have been told.
This is no longer a secret that the girl has to carry all alone.

Those things above are huge. Some people go though their lives without even recognizing that these things are a) not right and b) not their fault. This girl now does. Now she’s been able to speak up, she will have some sense that she can control her own life.

hdowney · 19/03/2019 11:20

Definitely the right thing OP. That young girl is lucky to have you looking out for her.

ColeHawlins · 19/03/2019 11:21

What else could you have done?

sashh · 19/03/2019 11:22

You did the right thing OP

NWQM · 19/03/2019 11:23

The girl has told someone and been believed.
Officials have been told.
This is no longer a secret that the girl has to carry all alone

This - 100%!

She will remember that you believed her and did something about it.

PoliticalBiscuit · 19/03/2019 11:24

You may feel your intervention will make things worse - but what it will absolutely do, in spite of anything else that happens - is teach her that there are adults who care about her, believe her situation is unacceptable, that she deserves better and importantly she is being heard.

It didn't sound like as a child you ever got that chance - so if nothing else you have already given her so much

Serialweightwatcher · 19/03/2019 11:36

If you'd done nothing and something awful happened, you wouldn't forgive yourself - even if nothing comes from this, they will have records and maybe this will make him think first and hopefully she can get through the next few years and run like hell when she's 16

cstaff · 19/03/2019 11:42

She now knows that she has someone that she can turn to and trust which is more than she has right now with her own father and grandmother.

I know it cant have been easy to do but it is exactly what this little girl needed - someone to act on her behalf. Poor kid and well done OP. Hopefully this will make the father think again before he carries on like a bully. Also it has put social services on their guard so if anything is reported again they will have to act hopefully.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2019 11:42

Also echoing you’ve done the right thing. What a lovely offer to have her live with you.

Senac32 · 19/03/2019 11:44

You definitely did the right thing, but a very difficult decision for you.
That kind of situation shows how abused children fear reporting. They know it will mean even more family upheaval.
A family I knew when I was working - all 3 children came into school mute. The staff suspected something wrong at home, but the very young children were afraid to report. Eventually it all came out and Dad went to prison.
An older child will usually have more confidence to tell his/her worries.

HedgerowTree · 19/03/2019 11:47

Well done, you absolutely did the right thing. Let the school know as well you have offered her to come and stay with you to social services, so they know you are a safe place if needed. I hope she’s in school today.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/03/2019 12:24

As a social worker i can say that you did the right thing. Social workers don't have crystal balls and can't guess what is going on at home for any child. We rely on concerns being passed on from friends and family as much as from health, police or education. It is everyone's job to make sure children are safe.

I wonder if she is not in school because she has been moved somewhere? Based on what you have said the chances are the family are already known to SS. The school will have been made aware of what is going on. There is generally a lot of liaison between education and SS. Hopefully things will improve for her now.

You sound like a lovely and supportive person OP.

KingLooieCatz · 19/03/2019 12:31

There is apparently a lot of evidence that for children experiencing abuse, one of the biggest factors that can help them is having an adult they can trust who values them. She trusted you enough to tell you the truth and she knows you believed her. That is huge.

yanboo · 19/03/2019 13:15

You did the right thing. It’s an awful situation and the outcome will have consequences for you personally - but if people like you are not willing to suffer such consequences then these things will go unaddressed.

You were brave to uphold the principle of protecting a child and I admire you . Well done.

Original poster

PurpleThistles · 19/03/2019 13:35

Thank you for the replies, I feel more reassured that others agree with what i did.

I will find out from my dd later this afternoon if her friend is in school today. I hope so.

OP posts:

Queenofthestress · 19/03/2019 19:48

Was she at school today? If not I would be worried :(

Elderflower14 · 19/03/2019 19:51

@PurpleThistles. What a lovely lady you are... Well done for doing the right thing....

BlueSuffragette · 19/03/2019 19:56

You certainly did the right thing. Please let us know that DD friend is ok. X

Original poster

PurpleThistles · 19/03/2019 20:39

She wasnt at school again today but text mu DD to say social services were visiting. I havent heard anymore as of yet.

OP posts:

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