Long post...
DP and I have been together for nearly 6 years, we have a 3yo DS. We are in the process of buying our own house as we speak. DP is 12 years my senior.
DP has massive body image issues stemming from childhood, they effect his self esteem and his moods and would say they are a form of body dysmorphia as they are not justified. I have tried everything to be supportive but am often left feeling helpless and ready to give up as he is such a closed book. But I DO love him and we always end up working things out —until the next time—
When we’re ‘up’ (which is most of the time tbf) we have a good relationship and share most things equally etc- he’s a very hands on Dad, and I feel I can talk to him openly and he is affectionate.
We have struggled with our sex life since DP was born. I had a botched episiotomy which meant we didn’t have sex properly for around 8/9 months afterwards. Since then I have often felt like he is not attracted to me as he doesn’t seem very interested in sex with me day to day. We probably have sex every 4-6 weeks and it’s normally me who initiates it. He’s promised me he definitely does still fancy me and he just feels low about himself and his sex drive is also low But he rarely shows an interest in sex with me. I don’t want to appear big headed but DP has been told by his friends in jest that he is ‘punching’ with me (which is a term I hate!) but my confidence sexually is shot as I don’t feel he really agrees with this personally and I feel taken for granted by him in this regard.
Tonight we were supposed to have sex. It was apparent DP was not on the same page and I went to bed alone in a mood. He followed me up and grovelled before trying it on. The mood had passed and I felt annoyed at his lack of effort again. He then told me to my surprise that he has been actively trying to give up watching porn for the last week. I knew he watched it (as most men do I assume?) but he told me it is every day, sometimes several times and pretty much whenever he is alone. He was vague but mentioned it could be in the toilet in work. I imagine it is also every time he goes the toilet at home and whenever he has a shower or a lie in or a nap?! He told me he recognised this could be having an effect on our relationship and that he had a problem. He said it is hard for him to want sex when he has already effectively been sexual that day. He asked me to put a password on restricted content on his phone and not tell him so he could stop. (I haven’t). He described himself as having a very high sex drive - but I would describe it these days as being very low (if only I knew!). I asked him about content and he said it really was just normal sex and nothing extreme or hardcore.
I am glad he has told me and that he is actively trying to stop this. But I feel hurt. For years I have wondered why he doesn’t want me and now I know why. Although he is not having sex with other women, he would rather watch porn than be with me, and in turn my confidence has taken an absolutely huge knock.
DP doesn’t understand why I’m upset. I have stressed I’m not annoyed with him and I am grateful he has told me but that I feel hurt and betrayed and need his comfort. He has then got very defensive and told me I’m being a ‘drama queen’ and this is why he doesn’t tell me things. I think he’s being selfish. AIBU in any way here? And what the hell do I do?! I can deal with it if he’s trying to stop it but it hurts me that my feelings about this don’t seem to matter to him just because he’s told me. Ive told him to sleep on the couch so that’s where he is!