To ask where mum-guilt comes from

[LyndzB]

Before I had DS, I didn't really bother what people thought of me and I certainly didn't feel guilty when I went about my day-to-day business.

But now I feel guilty about everything! Things like being thankful when ds is napping so I can grab a coffee. Dh looking after son in evening sometimes while I have a bath. Worrying I'm not entertaining ds enough. Then Worrying I'm over-stimulating him. Tbh there's an endless list of shit I feel guilty about.

But where does this come from??! My dh doesn't make me feel this way, my family are super supportive and my friends are also the same as me - guilty as hell all the time but we constantly supporting each other.

What happened? It's like a switch went off in my brain and it's stuck on 'guilty' all the time!

I would like the answer too!
No-one is putting pressure on me but its constantly 'am I stimulating DD enough' 'should I get her a pet so she doesn't get scared of animals' 'is this meal good enough' 'is she happy enough'

The patriarchy?

Mum guilt comes from women shaming women. We see it all the time on Mumsnet.

Ahh I have no idea where it comes from but I feel exactly the same OP, guilty all the time about everything!!

I suppose it's mostly to do with loving your child and wanting what's best for them and then worrying that you aren't providing that. I'm sure you are but I feel guilty all the time too

Also concentrating too much on what others are doing

Slightly different tack, but I know where mine comes from, as I've heard judgement of single mothers for years and years from my parents, small minded family members, school yard mums, the press and even in films/TV. And it's all compressed beautifully into my brain. Coupled with parents who didn't give a shit, which I think adds more drive to be guilt riddled.

It's hideous, because I find I have to try even harder to prove you're "doing it" as a single mother.

So much so, that I broke down in a sports shop last week with DS, because I couldn't afford to get him the best waterproof hiking boots (mandatory where we live for school) and asked if he'd settle for cheaper ones.

Such unnecessary pressure to put on myself. My ex doesn't give a shit, and he'd have to hike in carrier bags if it was up to him. Then I remember the burning shame of wearing the same Tesco trainers to gym for 5 years of school (my toes were literally through the worn fronts 😳) because my parents (with no financial problems) refused to waste money on new ones for me.

I'll never let my son feel that shame, and I'll never have anyone look down on him for having less because he's from a single parent family.

Stressful tho'.

I'm intrigued too, I always said I wouldn't change or give a shit when I became a parent but the same thing happened to me. I have no mum friends to compare myself too either, and my mum and nan aren't exactly shining examples of parenthood so I do wonder why I have this innate sense of guilt over everything I do.

The internet for me. Every time I Google something there is an NHS advisory page, several mumsnet threads, blog posts from both average mums and people with agendas, and links so you can buy stuff to solve your issue. All the myriad things that I read about and think "Oh, that's interesting!" which turns to "Should I already be doing that? I should. I should have done it ages ago."

I'll be perusing a mumsnet board and someone will be beating themselves up over something that a) I don't do either and b) I've never even thought about!

When the mum guilt hits I take a step back and look at what I have - a happy healthy child who learning and developing every day. That is what's important not whether they have eaten enough carrots today or have the best things

What you guys are describing seem more worries than guilt?

I do occassionally feel guilty about something parenting related but I equally feel guilty about not doing enough job hunting or procrastinating on uni work or snapping at DH...
I don't have more parenting guilt than I have other aspects of life guilt.