My son looks like my abuser.

[grabba]

Please bear with me as this may sound odd. My ex partner was very abusing towards me. I left recently and am quite traumatised by it all.

I feel awful and guilty saying this but I'm struggling with how much my son looks like him. He's only a few months old, but he's a spitting image. Everything about him.

My son is so gorgeous, I adore him, he's perfect in every way... so why do I feel like this?

Abusive not abusing

You don’t like your ex so you don’t want your baby to look like him. It’s pretty simple really.
Your baby may well grow to look more like you so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

@Joebloggswazere it's not just that I don't like him, I mean I don't, but he abused me, for 2 years. I shouldn't care what my son looks like and it didn't bother me until I left him...

“You don’t like your ex” well quite obviously there’s a bit more to it than that why are you trivialising what the OP has been through.

Op, don’t feel guilty. I think it’s understandabke, but it doesn’t mean you love your son any less. I honestly think counselling may help you. You’ve been through something traumatic and have a small baby to care for in the mix. Your GP or health visitor can arrange this for you. Big hugs.

Apparently children look more like their father when they are babies as an evolutionary incentive for the father to stick around. They then will often grow out of it as they get older.

Also as he gets older he will develop more of his own little personality and individuality so you will see your child rather then his father. Try not to think about it too much as you may start seeing similarities where their isnt any, XX

for you

@drinkygin yep, xp. As I said it's much more than just not liking him.

My head is a complete mess at the moment.

Oh sweetheart, I feel for you. I’ve spent time working in refuges and have come across this several times.

As your separation is only recent your feelings will, understandably, be heightened. The anxiety provoked by your son’s resemblance will hopefully lessen with time.

In my experience it also helps once the child develops their own unique character, hobbies and interests. Your beautiful baby is his own person and you are the most important person in the world to him

I think this can be a very common feeling. My friend was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be awful, lying to her, keeping huge secrets, following her, harassing her, being threatening etc and two weeks after she broke up with him she found out she was pregnant.

Her Ex-partner wasn’t interested and pretty much scarpered. He has had nothing to do with the child at all since it was born.

My friend had a son who is 3.5 years old now and she said she really struggles with how much he looks like her Ex. She obviously loves her son but says that sometimes she can’t bear it that he reminds her so much of a man that caused her so much pain.

I would suggest counselling to help you process and move past this. You obviously love your son, or you wouldn't be concerned about how the physical similarities are affecting you.

But they are just physical similarities. The main predictor of becoming an abuser is witnessing or being abused yourself. By leaving your abuser and your sons dad, you've done the absolute best thing you could to help him grow into a lovely little human being (toddler years don't count- they're all horrendous then ) seriously consider getting a six weeks CBT course it will help so much, you're not the first and sadly won't be the last woman who feels this way.

Your baby is half your DNA and with your nurturing no matter what he looks like he will grow into a very different person to his abusive father, he is his own little person waiting for his mum to guide him. The two of you together will be stronger in the future than the past and you’ll overcome these doubts and worries, I speak from experience.

What you're talking about is being 'triggered'

You love your DB,of course you do,there's no doubt. You have suffered at the hands of your abuser. As part of abuse comes the fallout. There will be all sorts of things, another guy could wander by wearing your ex's after-shave, and your brain/body could react badly, you might hear a man shout or be aggressive, and it remind you instantly, its just the same with your DB sadly.

It's important than find a great therapist who will help you overcome these negative associations. Theres no instant fix, but making a start with someone who understands trauma will get you past this.

I agree with the PP who suggested that counselling might help. It's not surprising that you would feel this way, but counselling can help you to work through it.

I also agree that children change so much as they grow. My son was the spit of his father when he was born and for the first few years of his life. Now he looks much more like me. I also see it in children at school; some of them used to look so much like one parent, now they look like the other or like a mixture of both (or perhaps like another family member I haven't met!). One child I know looked nothing at all like her (single) mother. Then when she was aged around 4 I suddenly started to see flashes of her mother in her. A few years down the track you can definitely see that they're related, which (IMO) you couldn't at all before.

I have an 11 year old by my abusive exh.

He occasionally does or says things that remind me of my ex . I hold it in.

My Ds is nothing like my exh . I agree with the person who said as they grow the become there own little person . I left my ex before Ds was one . I really struggle to remember much about him at all.

It's post-traumatic stress, putting you back to those awful places, someone who's good at trauma therapy will help with the way you are feeling right now.

Speak to your GP for an urgent referral, or find one yourself,and because of the trauma involved, you make sure its the right person, you will not progress without it being someone you feel very safe with.

I’m not trivialising what she has been through, don’t be ridiculous. Not wanting your child to look like their father is a common thing, whether he’s an abuser, a nasty piece of shit or just a waste of space. I think OP may be connecting the fact that he was abusive as the reason for not wanting her dc to look like him when it’s a perfectly natural reaction and she shouldn’t feel bad for feeing that way. I’m trivialising the way she feels about how her DC looks right now as many people feel the same way. It will pass, either your dc will change with age or you will notice the differences not the similarities.

joebloggs you’re not helping.

Babies are supposed to look like their fathers. Something to do with being sure of being a father.
But they change a lot as they grow older anyway.

I suspect it's still very raw for you and that it will get better with time as your ex fades into memory (or at least his actions) and you develop a relationship with your child.
Why not try to make an effort to spot something different in relation to your ex every day?

This will be a young person who you can teach how to be kind and thoughtful.

As time passes it will become less and less of an issue until you don't notice it at all.
A combination of you recovering from the trauma of abuse and your DS growing up and his little personality emerging more and more.
Be kind to yourself.

I think that as your baby grows and develops a personality he will become his own person. The more that you spend time with him and away from your ex, the more that you will associate your baby's looks with him and not with your ex. Over time you will stop looking at him and seeing a reflection of your ex, you will only see your darling DS.

I've been through this. At the time I thought I was evil for harbouring negative feelings towards my child who couldn't help looking like their father.
The feelings passed and even though objectively they still look like their father I don't give it a second thought now, and haven't for years.

IamaCereal I have also heard that and it is totally true of my baby, for about 1 or maybe 2 years the spitting image of her father, now, not very much at all!

My son's father was abusive to me and my son. My boy looked like my side of the family until he was about 15-16, then he lost some weight and was the spit of his father. It bothered me for a split second at times but he was still my lovely boy.

When my dd was born, she looked like my abusive father. It really affected my bonding with her and contributed to PND (I had other children and no PND with them).

I grew to love her for her. It was a slow burn. And now, when I look at her I just see her. Nobody else. Her personality and my love for her took over at some point.

I think it's quite normal op to feel as you do right now, it must be a bit shit but if you can try and focus on your gorgeous little baby and put your abusive ex to the back of your mind. I know how easy it is for me to say that but please try.

Please get help, some psychological therapy. It's not your fault, that you are in this position, but you very astutely have spotted the problem. Please do something positive about it. Don't have your interactions with your child tainted by the memory of the abuse. Get help to separate the two in your mind.

I taught a boy whose mother was in a similar position. It didn't end well.