To be angry at this

[MummyL0Ve]

DHs sister is not allowed anywhere near our children, shes unhinged, aggressive, abbusive and altogether a very toxic person, i made the desision to cut all ties with her 2 years ago after dealing with more than a decade of abussive behaviour which included her being violent.
DH completely agreed and said he had washed his hands of her.

I just found out yesterday they all spent the day together (they were supposed to be seeing grandparents)

My children mentioned her a few times and when i asked my children if she was there my eldest lied to me and said she wasnt there. Youngest confirmed she was there.

Now im so upset that they are lying to me and covering up meetings. Im not upset at them caught in the cross fire im upset at their dad for allowing this to happen behind my back.

I feel as though i am being made to look like the bad person stopping contact, like everyone has forgotten the things she has said and done. Apparantly i hold grudges, I just want to move on with my life toxic people not included and i dont see that as a grudge. I also had no idea he had been back in contact with her. Its all a shock.

Would you be angry? Or am i being unreasonable like DH has said.

I feel like i cant trust DH

What would you do?

Any advice from anyone whose dealt with similar?

I would be livid! Not just at going against your wishes & potentially putting your children at risk but encouraging your children to LIE to you - I’d not be responsible for my actions!!!

The encouraging my children to lie to me would absolutely send me into a rage. You are definitely not being unreasonable AT ALL.

I would be furious that they had asked my child to lie to me!! That’s just a line you do not cross. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. How can you trust your husband ever again?

Totally wrong getting children to lie, the rest doesn't even come into play.

What the hell has your Dh to say about it after he agreed she shouldn't see the kids? I'd be raging too and wouldn't trust that he won't do it again.

Thank you ladies, i am livid and its definitely broken the trust.

Ive discussed the importance of not lying to my little ones, spoke about the boy who cried wolf.

My partner said he never told them to lie, he said they knew they had to lie because you dont allow them to see her.

But my point is the reasons why. I didnt make this desision light heartedly. It goes really deep and im not going to go back on a life changing desision because shes "changed her ways"

he said they knew they had to lie because you dont allow them to see her.

So he’s made you the boogie man as if you’re some kind of demon. What did they think you would do to them if you knew they had seen her? Why were they afraid to tel you?

Yes thats exactly how i feel.

Even though i shouldnt because there was a time when my partner whole heartedly agreed and the desision was made together.
This desision certainly wasnt.

And the kids probably know theres something going on, but they dont know the ins and outs, so dont know why there is a need to lie. I havent even mentioned her name in a very long time.

My partner did something similar when his mum starting harassing and threatening me with violence. My partners parents abused him throughout his childhood and until he went to boarding school and never went home. I packed my bags and put them in the cupboard and told him I was thinking about leaving as in my heart he’d betrayed me worse than cheating. I couldn’t get over it at all, so I understand you 100%. We talked about it a lot and then as a result I got really really ill with an episode of bipolar so it sort of got put on the back burner. By the time I was better so much more had happened and he had cut them off and we worked through the betrayal. My ex husband cheated on me and I felt more hurt and sick at what he’d done than what ex did times a million! We are firmly through it now and no issues, is your partner someone you can talk to rationally about it?

Your husband has massively fucked up. Getting your children to lie to you is inexcusable and unforgivable.

TheDarkPassanger i am so glad you was able to work through your betrayal. My partner is not easy to talk to, everytime i do need to talk to him about something he throws his memtal health at me, or tells me to pack his bags. His very good at emotional blackmail and turning things around making me look like the bad one, for example when i spoke to him about this situation he told me the kids had to lie to me, that we never even had this arrangement in the first place.
I actually cant do this any more.
Thank you for your kind words