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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unhappy marriage

21 replies

DBM2018 · 17/03/2019 12:09

Hi there. I'm very confused about my life and just looking for some advice or if there is anyone in a similar position. I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 2.5years and have a son aged 8. I've had feelings of unhappiness on and off for the last few years, even before we got married but definitely more since getting married and it's becoming more and more frequent. I love our little family unit and we have a great life that way, but I honestly don't know if that's the only reason we are still together. We are not romantic, can't remember the last time we had a date, and I just think we are cohabiting. I love my OH but I don't feel in love with him and I'm not attracted to him. I don't know if we have fallen out of love due to not making enough effort and that if we start making an effort, will that change how I feel? I honestly don't know. There are days I really think I hate him. Strong, I know. But he put me through hell over the years and I'm wondering if he's just pushed me away now. There have been no issues over the last couple of years but I fear the damage may already be done. I'm so confused

OP posts:

Original poster

DBM2018 · 29/03/2019 23:16

I was really hoping to get some support on this but almost 2 weeks later and not a single reply 😢

OP posts:

Meandmyhamsterheadagain · 29/03/2019 23:20

I could've written this! I've nothing to say other than I hope it gets better for you and you're not alone......makes me wonder if it's 'normal'

Coffeeisnecessary · 29/03/2019 23:22

In what way has he put you through hell? I think marriage can be hard work and up and down, and if you start putting in effort it can improve, but that depends very much whether you really want it to?

Singlenotsingle · 29/03/2019 23:22

I don't think everything is automatically displayed, OP. Sometimes you have to dig into a particular subject heading to see what's there.

I was going to say that we all get a bit blase after a few years when the romance wears off BUT there's more to it in your case, isn't there? Whyever did you marry the man if he's caused you so much grief?

BlueSuffragette · 29/03/2019 23:30

When you say he's put you through hell, do you mean that he's been abusive? You say you don't feel in love with him and prior to getting married things weren't great. Do you feel they are getting worse? If you didn't make the effort do you think he would or is he just settling for your 'co-habiting' arrangement? Have u got anyone who could mind DC if you went on regular date nights? Do you feel you could fall in love with him again? Maybe you could both talk about how you feel as a starting point.

Original poster

DBM2018 · 29/03/2019 23:53

He has cheated on me earlier on in our relationship, before we got married, then I found him texting someone from POF a MONTH after we got married! He also has a problem with alcohol, he doesn't drink all the time but every couple of months he seems to go off the rails and just acts like an idiot! He's never been abusive.
Since the POF incident 2.5yrs ago, he's never given me any reason to believe he's been up to no good since, but the drinking is still a problem. Even tonight, he went to the pub for "an hour". 3 hours later he's not back and I'm calling him to see when he's coming home as he has no key and I want to go to bed. He finally stumbles home and wakes up my son! I don't know if I am over reacting everytime he drinks but because of all the issues in the past, I immediately get my back up when he's drunk as I know what he can be like. So I think after years of all this nonsense, I just really resent him for it all

OP posts:

Original poster

DBM2018 · 29/03/2019 23:57

@BlueSuffragette yes we have many people who could babysit if we wanted a date night. But honestly, i just have no motivation to want to. I do think we live like brother and sister. We argue all the time, mostly over silly things but I feel myself getting irritated with everything he says and does so I just be snappy with him and he then bites back.😫

OP posts:

Marlena1 · 30/03/2019 00:00

That sounds awful. You can't really go on like this. You deserve to be happy. It doesn't sound like the good outweighs the bad. It doesn't soubnd like he deserves you. If you did want to try and make it work he would need to be prepared to make changes.

SEsofty · 30/03/2019 00:01

Why did you marry him?

It’s not a rude question but actually the most important one. What made you decide to spend your life with this man and have children with him. Has that changed

Weenurse · 30/03/2019 00:03

I think when you are more polite to strangers than your partner then you need to take a step back and think about what you want.
Do you want to be a partnership?
Do you want to separate and co parent?
Do you want to go to counseling and find out why he drinks?

Original poster

DBM2018 · 30/03/2019 00:29

Our son is 8 so we had him quite early into our relationship. I married him because I wanted that stability for my son, I wanted a family life. He's a great father, and people always tell me how great he is and how lucky I am to have him as he's very hands on around the house etc but that's not the issue, the issue is our relationship. We make a good team for our son and as a family unit, but I know for sure that if it wasn't for our son, we wouldn't be together. I think I'll look into counselling and see how that goes. I want to be 100% sure and be able to tell my son I really did try if it all ends

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 30/03/2019 01:04

Our son is 8 so we had him quite early into our relationship. I married him because I wanted that stability for my son, I wanted a family life

I understand why you married him but you married him for all the wrong reasons. I don't see love or respect

I've had feelings of unhappiness on and off for the last few years, even before we got married but definitely more since getting married and it's becoming more and more frequent.

You used marriage as an Elastoplast to stick your relationship back together. It rarely works.

KellyW88 · 30/03/2019 02:49

Sorry if I missed this but have you tried addressing any of this with him? Do you sense he may be feeling the same? Not the easiest subject to approach but if you’re safe to do so (I.E not in danger of him getting abusive which it sounds like there's not from what you have said) maybe try? I say this as my DH’s parents divorced when he was 9, his Mum felt very much as you do, for longer than she could admit to herself. They too made a great partnership as parents, but the love was simply gone. She told my DH’s Dad how she felt and he admitted he had felt the same for a while, they resolved to explain it to DH and make it clear why so he wouldn’t wonder if he was to blame. They separated, co-parented and remain completely respectful (despite a jab here or there - after all they’re only human!) of each other.

It takes hard work but maybe he feels the same and as sad as it is to leave a relationship behind, if it’s time to go, it’s time to go.

DH told me to add he was relieved when his parents divorced, he had sensed how unhappy his mum had been but didn’t know why until then, so he at least knew the reason as sad as he was that they would seperate.

maras2 · 30/03/2019 04:12

Such a shame that you had to re post due to having no response to the original.
This tends to happen in AIBU so maybe report the post to MNHQ and ask them to move it to Relationships where you'll hopefully get lots more advice.
Best wishes. Mx.

BlueSuffragette · 30/03/2019 07:52

It sounds like you may be better to think about separating and working on a way to co-parent. It sounds like you would be happy for him to share the responsibility of bringing up your son. However you really deserve a chance to be happy and just sound trapped in this loveless marriage. Maybe you need to get copies of all necessary paperwork and then talk to him about separating. I really hope you have the strength to move this forward so you get out of this loveless situation.

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 07:58

I'm surprised you didn't have any replies 2 weeks ago, OP!

I was going to put something about relationships naturally having their good and bad years, but then I saw your updates.

He's treated you awfully. Personally, that would be enough to end the marriage for me. But life isn't that simple and I feel for you.

Do you have a good support network - friends/family close by?

Original poster

DBM2018 · 30/03/2019 09:51

I have broached this with him before so he knows how I feel, plus the fact we are very rarely intimate, but he buries his head in the sand.

We both have great families that could support us but I am in a bit of debt and this is another reason I have stayed with him as I would struggle financially on my own. The debt is both of ours, but the credit cards are in my name so essentially, it's mine. I just feel trapped 😢

OP posts:

Springisallaround · 30/03/2019 09:54

I don't know about the relationship but you could manage the debt once out of it with the help of charities such as StepChange and others- look on the Martin Lewis money-site for more information. They can't take more than you can afford, so if your income dropped dramatically, you would put in place a lower repayment plan. I wouldn't let that hold you back as it can be dealt with.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2019 10:43

I see courtship as the time to assess suitability for a life partner.

He cheated on you early on and by staying with him, he knows that cheating is not a dealbreaker for you. Whatever the reasons for forgiving....it still sends a message to the cheater.

The early stages are when a couple are usually so loved up...if he could cheat then...it kind of sets the tone.

Do you really think you've caught him every time he cheated and went on dating sites?

I'd be looking at an amicable way to end the marriage...and btw...a good father doesn't stumble in drunk and wake up his son...I think your bar might be too low.

Don't waste more of your life in this misery. Life is too short to do that.

Motoko · 30/03/2019 12:52

Go over to MoneySavingExpert.com. You can post on the Debtfreewannabe forum for advice about the debts, and Martin Lewis has lots of good advice on the site. So don't let debt stop you from separating.

And in future, don't take on any debt for someone else, and if a bloke cheats on you, dump his arse straight away. Have more respect for yourself.

faeveren · 30/03/2019 13:07

I think there are many marriages like this where couples are dependent on each other for certain aspects of their life but feel like something is missing. Functionally the partnership works but emotionally it is empty.

I understand that his past drinking affects the way you feel about any future drinking. The way he has treated you in the past has chipped away at your love and respect for him and every time he reverts to type he reminds you of the hurt you felt.

You both have to make an effort though, if it’s only you then you will resent him more. Some resentment is normal in any relationship but if it builds up it can destroy you.

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