AIBU to ask your advice about contacting the bereaved parents of a friend? (Potentially upsetting/triggering content)

[LimaLemur]

AIBU to ask your advice on this, please?

When I was in sixth form, about 10 years ago, a fairly close friend of mine passed away suddenly after taking their own life.

I had been in a few classes with the friend at school (I had moved schools for sixth form, so only got to know her during my time at sixth form). I considered her one of my close friends and we got on really well.

I found the aftermath of her death very difficult to deal with, but was lucky and grateful to get a lot of support from family and people around me. I also went to her funeral.

I’ve never met her family, but after she died, I wanted to write to her parents to tell her how much our friendship had meant to me, but I never did as I didn’t know this would be received so thought it would be best to leave it.

Now, around 10 years has passed since then, and still think about her every so often. What’s turned my mind back to this again is that in the book I’m reading at the moment (a memoir), someone who’s been bereaved says that they would love to receive letters and notes from people whose lives have been positively impacted through knowing the relative they’re mourning.

I’d like to write to the parents, but don’t have any contact details for them. What should I do? Am I being crazy to think about this?

Do you have any contacts with the family to maybe gauge to reaction?

Hi LordProfFekko, no I don’t, unfortunately. It’s partly because of this that I don’t think I should write. And also because I was never sure how a letter would be received by them, so I wondered whether I was writing the letter more for my benefit than for their benefit.

No. Its too long after the event

I think most people would appreciate a letter of memories, saying how much she touched everyone and funny stories in particular, maybe a copy of some photos they may not have. Suicide is more difficult for everybody to understand of course, but if you speak about your shock from the heart then you won't go too far wrong. If you time sending the letter with the date she died or with her birthday then they will be particularly grieving for her on those dates anyway, so you are less likely to risk giving them a jolt of pain unexpectedly (not that they won't think of her every day, I just mean if they get an unexpected letter). You can leave your address on the letter, then they can follow up in their own way or not at all.

My best friend died when we were in our early 20s. Our group of friends were already in contact with her parents and have remained so, but I know they always love hearing from us. I'm sure your friend's parents will be touched.

Are they on social media? If you can't do it by social media I would send a card or letter to their home address - presuming they still live there?
If you can't find it out through mutual friends I would as a last resort ask your old school if they'd be willing to pass on your letter to them or contact them to see if they'd be willing for their address to be passed to you.
Also you could ask on a local FB group (our town has two Facebook groups with 10,000s of people) - someone might be able to give you their address.
Did your friend have a Facebook account? You could DM them as I think some parents keep the accounts open for things like this.

Good luck

I think it would be lovely. I'm sure the parents will appreciate to know that people are still thinking of their daughter.

@Hollowvictory - what makes you say that? Parents never stop grieving for their child.

Nobody is suggesting that the parents will ever stop grieving ffs @Mrex but writing to them 10 years later may not help their grief and recovery. The time has passed.

If I was the parent I would love to receive your letter, no matter if 10 years or 20 have passed.

Its a lovely thoughtful thing to do OP

If it helps, I saw things written about my late dh, over 15 years later. Different circumstances admittedly, not suicide, but it was lovely to read people's thoughts about him years later.