Please help me plan my wedding.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I haven't been married in ages and thought it high time i trotted down the aisle again.

I don't have anyone in mind but I do have a dress I can reuse.

I was thinking that it should be a 2 week activity based wedding abroad, possibly New Zealand.

Also, I'd like to have 12 bridesmaids even though i don't have 12 friends.

For the wedding favours I'm a bit conflicted, do we go with the sugared almonds? What about flapjacks for a tasty surprise?

Obviously there'll be a photo booth with lots of dressing up gear.

Maybe I'll put them on cocktail sticks along with the cheese and pineapple cubes.

I would also uninvite your whole family and hire better looking actors to take the place of your loved ones.

But not your bridesmaids; they need to look really ugly so you look good

Obviously!!

I have your bridesmaids dress. Suitable? Also, wedding favours should be herbal cigarettes... for old Lang syne

Make sure you only invite married couples. People who 'just' live together or 'just' have children together just aren't in a serious enough relationship to attend your day...

Assume you're planning for 2022? Get those save the date cards out now so there can't be any excuses. For everyone you know to be safe - you can thin down the list a few weeks beforehand.

If we book out the whole venue we can sell the rooms on to the guests and make enough money to fund the hen do?

Antarctica is the place for it, with the last 200 miles by snow cat. Everyone sleeps in domed shelters at 1000 quid per night. Then have an outdoor ceremony that involves 12 hours of Buddhist chanting . Local foods only for the reception.

It'll be unforgeable.

Would it be fun (for me) to have my BMs carry me to the venue in a sedan chair? Or I'll get Jordan's carriage and they can be my horses.

Unicorns, you need unicorns. That's unicorns to pull your carriage and special unicorns who can stand on their back legs to serve your food.

Abroad is good. If you do decide to stay closer to home though, do it on a Tuesday. Up the clunge end of nowhere, ideally without sufficient accommodation available locally.

Surely if you’re marrying there? You would then instantly fly over to Fiji for your wedding breakfast and party?
Really don’t see the point in a wedding if you’re doing it all in one place.
Also a yes vote for lime green dresses.

Heh! If anything deserves satire, it’s this. I’m cackling away over my coffee and crumpet.

Don’t forget the wishing well, so your grateful subjects can throw money into it. How about a mirror for your house, engraved with the names of every one of your attendees? String quartet playing songs from the output of Simon Cowell? Don’t forget you’re a chattel, so have a convenient man on standby to ‘give you away’ into the safekeeping of another male ...

Excuse me while I grab my Kleenex. Weddings make you want to cry, don’t you find?

Nb. Great thread!

Make sure you start the celebration early... the hen do will need to span 4 separate weekends with At least a week in Vegas spent in different fancy dress costumes each night. The bridesmaids will be paying for you anyway!!!! Is the wedding themed???sounda like on safari (you’re have giraffes 🦒) will I need to come in full on animal print????

You haven't yet mentioned the "wedding preparation" photographs, showing you having your hair dressed and your make-up done by professionals chosen for their looks - beautiful enough to fit in but not so beautiful as to upstage you.

Can you get pregnant and combine the cake cutting with a gender reveal?

Absolutely make sure the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. But obviously you dictate exactly what they should wear (maybe a nice orange belt on their green dresses?)

I agree with PP about having the reception in an entirely different country to the ceremony. Guests obviously make their own way there at their expense. Preferably by dog sleigh.

Make sure that the people Doug you're hair and make up fit in with your wedding theme too. Make them dye their hair or laser off tattoos if necessary.

Also to remember for the future, if any of these guests get married, you must refuse to go to any effort whatsoever for their weddings...

Doing your hair that should have said

A wishing well sounds perfect. I'd also like people to make books about me with keepsakes and memories of everything I've ever done for them.

Surely all the guests will be camping for the entire preceding week? Somewhere really remote where you could hold fun activities like latrine digging.

I'm wondering who i should marry, Bobby Ball is about my speed.

You are clearly punching there Op

Martha it would be a wedding slanket and I'd look great as usual. By my own exceptionally low standards that is.

I think it would be good if Jedward planned every detail of your wedding.