Hello. I am hopeful that someone can help me. I have one close friend, I suffer with social situations and my circle is small. My only close friend has been my closest friend for 12 years. I was sexually assaulted during my first year of uni and have found it very difficult to form relationships ever since. I am attractive I am told, but I have no self confidence at all.
My friend is everything I am not, and is quite pro active in making things happen for herself. I am very cautious, she wears her heart on her sleeve.
She has always been forthcoming with wanting a husband and children and I have not because secretly I fear I won’t be capable, or someone won’t love me enough to want to marry me or have babies with me.
Since we were friends, at 17 years old, I was adamant I did not want a serious relationship and went through my 20s avoiding situations and not settling down with anyone.
She did settle down, she got married and had a family. Her marriage broke down and she is currently in another relationship under a year.
I fear that sometimes she might like the idea of getting married more than she likes being married. She rushed her first marriage and now is rushing her second.
I have since met a lovely guy who makes me very happy. He is understanding and patient with me. We have been dating on and off for two years. He has a good job, and owns his own house. He has children from a previous relationship who he adores and sees approx 50% of a week.
At the beginning I did not want to meet his children, I did not feel it was fair for them to meet someone when I was unsure I would be capable of staying put.
She has constantly made digs at me being always single, and although in the past I have showed little interest in the past in marrying or having a family, she would always put the boot in, for example, because I don’t have any close family, she suggested a traditional wedding would not be suitable for me if I were ever to get married.
The startling behaviour that I am concerned about though is her attitude towards my relationship now. My boyfriend has been patient for two years, not pushing me into anything but we have been getting closer and the thoughts of spending a chunk of my life with him no longer frightens me.
Over Christmas, he expressed how much he wanted to move from our casual relationship to something more serious. She was gravely offended and berated him by calling him needy and telling me he was pathetic. (She was given an engagement ring at Christmas after 5 months of a relationship) she was not at all impressed that he wanted a relationship and in text message reminded me that she’s known me for 12 years and I have always said I didn’t want to settle down.
His birthday is next month and he wants me to meet his family, including his children, at a birthday lunch. I am very nervous but understand it is the next rational step in the relationship. She was extremely put out, and said that she thought he was rushing me, what about having to meet his children? Why was he introducing me to his children and said that it was not like I had family to introduce him to which would make the situation uncomfortable and awkward. This really hurt my feelings and although my boyfriend has assured me his family are really looking forward to meeting me, I feel awful and like I am not enough for him because I can’t give him the same in return. We will never do a birthday meal for me.
In his job, they are sometimes derogatorily referrered to as a farmyard animal. I recently complained to my friend about feeling unwell to which she replied “baby (animal)?”
She is constantly referring to him being this animal, despite never meeting him and never having any altercations or issues with any member of his profession.
She constantly makes jokes that he will remain a perpetual “batchlor”.
We have discussed the possibility of moving in together, down the line. Where I am currently living I am very unhappy and would like to move. We have talked about waiting to see how things go and maybe after the summer moving in together. I told her that I was considering it. As I knew she would be happy I was moving from my current situation but she was totally against it. She said he was rushing me, he is rushing and trying to force a relationship and that it is not the right thing to do. She reiterated the fact I always said I didn’t want a relationship or kids. I feel so rejected that I have tried so hard to be honest with myself and overcome my fears, for what feels like her desperately trying to push me back into the pit Ive been in the last decade.
If we have any sort of weekend plans, even for his birthday, she will ask me to babysit or have her children over night. She completely ignored my 30th birthday this year. She never came to any of my birthday celebrations over the years and right now is acting very jealous of my relationship even though she seems very happy and content with the man she is with. Can anyone shed any light on the situation or give me advice on how to help her accept me changing my mind about my future?