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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect SOME help???

13 replies

k1a9lalal8 · 16/03/2019 13:23

My fiancé is older than me. He has three teenage girls. I moved in around 6 months ago, we get married next month. Basically I just don't know what to do. The girls are spoiled - and I totally get why. Their mum died when they were young and their dad has tried to compensate. Perfectly natural and I commend him for how he coped and got them all through it, he is a wonderful man (hence me marrying him!)
But all the girls now are at a particularly hormonal/temperamental age and they treat the house like a hotel. They refuse to pick anything up or put anything away after themselves, drop wet towels on the bathroom floor, leave empty packets all over the kitchen as well as used dishes and mugs etc all over the house.
When I wash their clothes and ask them to help me put them away (bc I don't know what belongs to whom) they roll their eyes and storm off like I've just asked them to wash a restaurant's worth of dishes or something.
They don't do a jot but expect lifts etc. at the drop of a hat and to pretty much be waited on hand and foot.
Fiancé gets stressed and fed up but he rarely sees his punishment threats through so it's frustrating for me... but I feel like I can't say anything
This is all new to me. Like I said I am younger than him and have never dated somebody with children before.
I've no idea what I can/can't do or say, or where the line is for me. Do I just accept this is how it is? Even when I'm being spoken to/looked at like a piece of trash? Do I just swallow my tongue when he folds and takes them out for dinner etc. after a number of empty threats bc one/all of them is acting up?
I love him - and the three of them, too I hasten to add - but my head is spinning today.

OP posts:
TheHolySmirk · 16/03/2019 13:27

Presumably their father was picking up after them until you moved in?

Let him carry on.

They are his children, and much too old for them to see you as a stepmother type.

You're just a woman who's moved into their home.

Lockheart · 16/03/2019 13:29

Stop washing their clothes and giving them lifts for a start. Why make more work for yourself? Teenagers are old enough to do their own washing.

You need to have your DF on side as he's their father. If he won't back you up and keeps caving to them then there's no reason for them to change their behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2019 13:33

How long have you been together? Did you get engaged before you moved in?

You don’t have to do their washing, they’re teenagers and can do it themselves or their dad can do it. They must all have muddled along before you moved in. If they’re rude to you then stop giving them lifts!

Tbh I’d be very wary of getting married. They have a long established dynamic between them and don’t seem to welcome you joining their gang so life isn’t going to get any easier.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 16/03/2019 13:34

They sound like fairly typical teenagers who've been able to get away with a bit more than most. It's not your job to play house maid, things got done before you moved in, do your own washing, cook meals if you feel inclined to, leave everything else and accept there's a certain level of mess that comes with teens and their dad can deal with it if it goes too far. With the greatest respect you're not their mother, it's not your time yet to be involved in their discipline and it may never be and this is a big change in their life. You say he's older than you, are they closer to your age? I have a colleague whose partner's daughter is six years younger than her and she moved in and tried bossing the teenage girl around, it didn't go well.

chuttypicks · 16/03/2019 16:35

I wouldn't marry him if I were you. You sound like a live in maid/housekeeper to me. Why are you doing so much for his daughters and why is he letting them get away with treating you so poorly? Why would you want to stay? Seems crazy.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/03/2019 16:39

Why did you decide you wanted to wash all their clothes and pick up after them when they were managing perfectly well before you moved in?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/03/2019 16:41

Do I just accept this is how it is? Even when I'm being spoken to/looked at like a piece of trash?

Never, Under any circumstances should you ever accept that as “just how it is”. It isn’t. You don’t accept that from anyone. Either stand up for yourself or leave.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 16/03/2019 16:43

Are you sure they were like this before ? It's not some jealous childish behaviour as they are unhappy at sharing their dad ?

pallisers · 16/03/2019 16:48

Stop doing their laundry. If he wants to do it, fine. Stop doing anything much for them beyond normal stuff (if it is your turn to cook dinner of course you'd include them).

If someone speaks to you contemptuously say "please don't talk to me like that. I would never use that tone with you". If a tantrum ensues let him deal with it.

I have to tell you honestly I think the absolutely worst time for a man to move another woman into his home is when his children are teenagers. This isn't going to be easy.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 16/03/2019 16:51

Allow him to parent /skivvy for his own dc. You are his partner not the hired help.

JustDanceAddict · 16/03/2019 16:53

Sounds like typical teen behaviour to me.
I tend to ignore the backchat and when I point it out I get ‘you’re so annoying’, but then they do rally for a bit.
Must be hard doing it as a step mum but tbh I’d leave your fiancé to the parenting. Gives lifts if convenient but don’t put yourself out

adulthumanwolf · 16/03/2019 18:02

Why are you doing their laundry?

Lllot5 · 16/03/2019 18:17

Why are you doing it all? Who did it before you moved in? Stop doing it

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