To want a break from my 3 little ones?!

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

Please help me figure out how to get some kind of break as I am at the point where I have no energy left to think!!! I have three children, a 3 year old, 2 year old, and 3 month old, and am a SAHM. I am self employed and currently taking a few months of maternity leave but will return to working soon. I am with the kids all day every day, with the exception of my 3 year old being in nursery 15 hours per week. When I work, I work from home in evenings after my husband comes home from work. Right now literally every day consists of dishes, laundry, taking the children on child centred outings like the park or toddler groups, cleaning up their messes, and cooking. My husband wants me to make him a big hot dinner every night as well as one to take to work for his lunch in a leftovers box, so I do lots of cooking as well. I love my kids so much, but when I have all three of them on my own, I can just “manage them” — I can’t really get quality time with them. My 3 y o is a high energy boy who sometimes plays nicely with his little sister, but often pushes and hits her and needs lots of supervision. The toddlers love the baby but I can never turn my back when they are with him. If he is in the same room as they are, intensive supervision is needed. The 2 yesr old is clueless and she shakes his bouncer, tries to touch his eye, tries to sit on him, etc. The children love to make messes and dump out boxes of toys, empty kitchen cupboards, toss folded laundry around, open drawers and throw out the folded clothes etc. Just normal children but it is exhausting when I don’t have a break at all. On weekends my husband wants family time and makes me feel guilty if I ask him if I could have 2-3 hours to please just stare at the wall in peace and be “off duty”. I am so burnt out mentally and physically. When we had baby number three I told my husband I wasn’t ready to try for a third mentally or physically as having just one baby and toddler was a lot — I said I would only do it if we agreed I could have about 8 child free hours per week to re charge and remain human. Now that we are here, with three kids, he wants to save money and doesn’t want me to get regular childcare. I feel my mental health is failing apart. I am starting to snap at the kids. It doesn’t help that my MIL says things like “a mother must be selfless”. And he repeats this. Any suggestions for how to get a break in this situation?

Get an evening job away from the home! As he walks in, you tootle off to work. Tell him you'll look forward to a lovely home cooked dinner when you get in.
On Saturday, get up and feed the kids then go out for the day by yourself.

Woah op.... how the hell are you totally burnt out?!

1. Fuck the big hot dinners and packed lunches.
2. Demand that the 2yo goes to childcare one day per week (same day as 3yo)

Go from there !

So you're looking after three kids all day, cooking endless meals then working in an evening? How are you still standing?!

But you're definitely not BU, so what happens next? Tomorrow is Sunday. Tell him he's taking the kids out for the morning. Do you feel comfortable doing that??

Does he have any 'alone' time with the kids? I think he urgently needs some and make sure the 3yo has had plenty of high energy food beforehand.

When we had baby number three I told my husband I wasn’t ready to try for a third mentally or physically as having just one baby and toddler was a lot — I said I would only do it if we agreed I could have about 8 child free hours per week to re charge and remain human. Now that we are here, with three kids, he wants to save money and doesn’t want me to get regular childcare

He made a promise. Make it clear that failing to keep his promises is not an option. If he doesn't want to spend money on childcare, he must provide the care himself.

And ask him why a father doesn't have to be selfless all the time.

Some genius* on MN recommended this a few weeks ago; leave the children with him for a few hours. If he finds it easy, he can't complain about doing it again. If he's run ragged, he will understand why you need time away from them.
(* I'm sorry I don't remember the poster's name, but All Hail, whoever you are!)

I ended my marriage for similar reasons. Its selfishbastsrdness disguise as family life. I'm lying in bed and my 3 are at his house. I had 3 under 3 too and he used to do fk all. Now he still does fk all but they do it with him and know that it is his lifestyle.

He is being totally unreasonable in sneaky way. Its called coercive abuse.

Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

First of your problems aren't childcare problems they're bloody Husband problems!

Why on earth would you need to pay for childcare to get 8 hours freetime a week your not a single parent(although it sounds like your husbands sodding treating you like one)he can fucking help look after his kids!

He could also help out with the cooking and cleaning as well,you are not running a one man show,there is 2 of you,2 parents of your 3 children,you should be working as a Team!

If he tries to come the bollocks about working ask him what the hell he thinks your doing?!

With your DC trashing the house,get cupboard locks and drawer locks,you can order them of amazon and they're easy to fix(and that can be your DH's job)and they will save you so much time(I have 5DC and was a single mum to 4DC and working part time so I know what it's like)the folded laundry put it up out of they're way and with the toy boxes let them have 1 toy box down stairs each or 1 between them(if they'll share nicely)and start teaching them from now how to pick up they're own toys(switch the toys around in the box/boxes every few days so they get some variety and don't get bored)and help tidy them away you can easily turn it into a game so they don't even realize that they are tidying up.

This is one of the reasons I divorced my ex husband,living like a single parent within a marriage is no way to live and you and your DC deserve more.

You have a massive husband issue OP in that he is a selfish arse
First off stop cooking his lunch he is a grown up he can do it
Second dinner he can do that sometimes as well
He can have family time with his kids at the weekend without you a morning is non negotiable

Point out that the statement is a mother must be selfless not a wife it’s the wifework expectations that are breaking you not motherhood

And get your childcare it’s good for all 3 children

But I am so sorry he forced you into a third child so quickly and is now being horrible

And when you work you need paid childcare f
Let me guess though no joint account and you still pay bills

Thank you all. It’s just good to know I’m not unreasonable to want a break and that it’s no surprise I’m falling apart. I do need to talk to him about this stuff and make him realise I’m not unreasonable and that I’m not being entitled. He will often say “ask other mums, how do they do it?” And “talk to some mature women”. I have done that and no one has “done it” alone. Every woman, mature or not, has had either family help or some other kind of break or fallen apart. He reads blogs of women who he sees as organised and thinks I need to be more like them. He wants me to read the blogs but I don’t have time!!! Today is an exception and I told him I fell apart and shouted at the kids yesterday. He is taking them to the park without me (he also had the morning off to do something for himself). He is saying I’m horrible for shouting yesterday and that I need to get my act together and learn to control it and that I am going to become like a horrible neighbour we used to have who we heard shouting at her kids — and that truly is the last thing I want and makes me feel guilty and horrible!!!! But I know I was never like this at all when I just had one child. It’s only been since I had a baby and toddler with no break that Ive had occasional episodes of snapping when we are under pressure (like trying to get three kids three and under out the door on time to a doc appointment when one of them doesn’t want to get dressed at all and one is throwing a 20 min tantrum over who got the pink spoon at breakfast!!) all while the baby cries and has a last minute poo explosion. Those are the times I usually end up raising my voice and of course regretting it. It is much more likely to happen after days and days without a break. Part of what’s also hard is that DH comes home and criticises me as a way of managing his own emotions when things are hard at work and when he feels anxious. He will literally find 5-10 things an evening to criticise or complain about when he gets home. He does help with bath and bedtime in the evenings regularly — but he’ll check in on me about all the things he thinks I should be doing while he’s at work and go on and on in a loud voice about whatever annoys him about me. One example is when our fridge is not organised the way he likes it. I don’t have time or energy to organise the fridge. If I try to explain why I did/didn’t do something, no matter how calm my voice, he says we are bickering. Really he is bickering at me and I am trying to avoid getting pulled in to his arguments. We definitely have some marriage problems and he lacks empathy for me and is unreasonable in his expectations.

It is all him OP all him he is 100% your problem he is causing all of this

He is being abusive OP and it’s horrible to read

are you ok @shuffle beyond the exhausted issue. The fridge organising is ridiculous, if he wants it organised, he knows where it is but the constant criticism is concerning.

Is your DM around is there anyone who could take the DC's for you for a while so you can actually spend some time together.

Oh my god, I hope you are not my friend, have you changed some details to be less outing?

Either way, my advice is the same. Just go. When he gets in from work be ready to go out. Arrange to meet a friend, go shopping cinema whatever, and simply leave the minute he gets home. Let him put all 3 to bed. Nothing will change unless you take drastic action.

I am sorry. Being married to an asshole like my friend and your DH is isn't easy. I know it can suck the life out of you, drag you down and always opt for the 'easy life'. You dont have to.

Also about my MIL ... she lives two hours away and comes to visit sometimes and does help watch the kids here and there but it is completely unpredictable and only for 1-2 hours out of a 2 day visit. Or something that is planned. She and FiL have watched the kids for 2 days before (when we had only two kids) and DH and I got away for a weekend. That has happened only twice in the almost four years that we have been parents so it’s nice but not a guaranteed or regular source of support for me. My own mum lives in a different country and my parents come about once per year bc they are in their 70s and it’s expensive. They help however they can and send me gifts of money for babysitting which I have used, including £700 before my most recent birth which was really nice and I used it for a cleaner and a babysitter at the end of my pregnancy and the first weeks after the birth.

If he is a person who will criticise you, compare you to others, tell you that you should be doing more then is he honestly going to say "yeah sure, I'll look after the kids for eight hours" or "yeah sure, I'm happy to pay for extra childcare, it's clear you need it"

I'm guessing the answer is no.

How are you when it comes to standing up to him? Do you get to make your own decisions?

OP this isn’t about your parents or your Mil it’s the fact your husband has forced you into a third child and is now criticising you

Without him I guarantee your love the with the 3 of them would be much easier

What the financial situation I suspect there are issues there as well

Omg. He's is on purpose keeping you without sleep. I got grief about the fridge too.

What happens if you say 'I don't really mind if we're bickering, actually, if it gives us a good chance to get these issues out in the open?'

'How do the other dads you know manage to support their kids better'

'You're right, I don't want to be like that neighbour, i think I'm going to take tomorrow off to recharge while you look after them'.

'Brilliant, will you reorganise the fridge if you have such strong views, here's the cleaning cloth while you're at it, give it a good scrub).

What happens when you criticise HIM?

So this 8 hours childcare a week he agreed to and then now doesn’t want to pay for. How about he steps up and parents his children for these 8 hours so you can get a bit of a break. You need to have a good sit down and a chat about his role in the house and how he needs to lower his expectations AND give you a hand. If he likes a hot meal how about he starts by prepping meals the night before so you can just cook or reheat them not long before he gets in. And defo remind him about the conversation you had before child number 3 and if he doesn’t wanna pay maybe he can step up instead.

MammaMia19

Also could his mum have them once a week? As she thinks mother's should be selfless maybe she should start with herself”

That’s the first thing that occurred to me too.

I think you definitely need to start taking the whole of Saturday off ASAP. Leave him a list of jobs to do too!
It will either be super easy and he can do it every weekend, or too much for him and he will develop some empathy.

Tell him you're taking childfree time on the weekends and it's not up for discussion. He needs to parent his own children and pull his weight at home.

I can’t figure out if he’s abusive or incompetent, but basically I agree with this.

I have one toddler. I work in the evenings/during naps. DH wants a hot dinner and leftovers for work. Even with just one it’s a slog. It only works imo because a) my work is basically optional b) some meals are very easy and most are cooked to give us enough for two days’ meals c) DH really does his share, and gets shit from me if he doesn’t.

Oh, and if need be he does his own lunch!