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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a lesbian?

51 replies

NotTryingTo · 16/03/2019 11:10

I promise I’m not trying to be goady or offend and certainly not looking for an argument.

I’m a straight woman in my thirties and I’ve been single for some time, mainly because I have just lost all my respect and desire for men in general. I’ve worked with so many lovely wholesome family men who were the office letches, in a voluntary capacity I work with so many women, teens and children who have been victims of rape, domestic abuse, grooming, coercion, sexual abuse by men.
So much of the violence in the world is perpetrated by men, the hate.
The caring nice guys I do know are so weak willed they cheat given half the chance.

That’s just where I am emotionally and I’m expecting to be flamed.
I miss dating so much though and in my college years I had a few little “things” with women but always considered myself straight it open minded or maybe bi at a real stretch, though I find women much more beautiful than men.

Basically WIBU to dip my toe in the gay dating scene? Has anyone else been in the mindset I am and how has it worked for out you?

Again, I’m really sorry if I offend anyone!

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 16/03/2019 11:43

So, are you planning to tell the women you'd be dating that they're part of an experiment for you? Or would you allow them to think you were serious?

Are you thinking about casual hookups or forming a relationship?

How did the "things" with women in your college years pan out? If they fizzled out because you weren't really attracted to women, what is it that you think is different now?

I can't tell if you've just decided to try and make yourself be a lesbian, or if you're genuinely trying to make sense of your own sexuality. In fairness, it's not as black and white as "I'm a lesbian and I've known ever since I can remember" but nor is it "I can't find a decent man, let's give women a try".

Newadventure · 16/03/2019 11:43

My mum (who I'm now nc with but that's another story) is now married to the woman she's been with for almost 20 years.

She'd had a few relationships with men before she married my dad, she was with others and even had a second marriage after splitting with my him. When they all didn't work out she met and got with other women, then she met my dsm.

She said she always had an inkling she liked women but was mainly attracted to men and as it was 'they way' back then she never explored that side of herself, got with men and had children.

She had a few turbulent relationships with men (including my dad) and just got sick of trying with them.. I think??

Anyway, like I said her and step mum have been together for almost 20 years and it's my mum's longest relationship out of them all. They've had their ups and downs but as far as I know are pretty happy and still together.

Step mum had children and had been married before she 'turned' to women too.

carrotflinger · 16/03/2019 11:47

If you are bisexual and sexually attracted to women then go for it.
If it's just because you are fed up with men then don't.
I am also fed up with men at the moment and can identify with many of the things you post about. I am not interested in a relationship with a man at the moment. I also wondered if maybe things would work out better with a woman. My cousin who is a lesbian reckons I should try it and see. However, once I started trying to fantasize about women I found that I couldn't. I have no sexual attraction to women (and still a lot towards men).
I think that's how you know - do you get turned on when imagining having sex with a woman or not?

PhryneFisher · 16/03/2019 11:47

I know through close friends that lesbian and gay relationships can be, and often are, just as fraught with issues, because every relationship is.

So if you’re thinking same sex relationships are just easier, I think you’re heading for a shock.

That said, it’s perfectly normal and common to want to explore, so if you genuinely want to know what it’s like to date/sleep with a woman, go for it.

But any relationship should be based on attraction, not whether it’s easier.

Pinkbells · 16/03/2019 11:49

Go with your feelings - if you are attracted to women, then try it. But if it's because you've had bad experiences with men, there are some good ones about!

NottonightJosepheen · 16/03/2019 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oneforthepain · 16/03/2019 11:52

Moreso men previously and moreso women now.
It just feels odd at this late stage to change course if that makes sense.

That's not quite how your op came across, but it's hardly unheard of. There is actually a fair amount written about it.

And thirties isn't quite "this late stage".

It might be an idea to spend time talking this through with someone who can help you work through your feelings and make sense of what's going on for you, rather than launching into dating women to try to figure it out. It's not fair to use people to figure your feelings out, even if you don't intend to hurt anyone.

Nancy74 · 16/03/2019 11:53

Surely you must be attracted to women to be considering this. Sounds to me you're just looking for a reason to justify that. You don't need too.

Nancy74 · 16/03/2019 11:55

And you're not 'changing course' really are you. You said yourself you've had things with women over the years, so this is something that's always been there by the sounds of it.

x2boys · 16/03/2019 11:55

It's two separate issues really ,if your are fed up with men and don't want relationship with men because of past experiences that's one thing but having a relationship with a women because of being pissed off with men is quite another,either your attracted to women or your not.

Mummyshark2019 · 16/03/2019 11:58

I would say go with whatever makes you happy and most comfortable. If that means having a relationship with a woman, then so be it. Yanbu.

Fishwifecalling · 16/03/2019 12:08

I think you could dip a toe into it. Be honest and say that initially you are not looking for a long term relationship in order to minimise hurting someone, then see what happens.

bobstersmum · 16/03/2019 12:08

You don't sound totally straight to me. If you find women attractive, and have had experiences in the past with women, you're bi?
Go on a few dates, but be open and honest to them.

LividLaughLove · 16/03/2019 12:10

I think lots of people are on the "bi-spectrum", for want of a less-shit phrase, like you sound like you are.

I'm utterly frustrated with men, so I get that part, but am not in any way sexually attracted to women.

I know lots of women who feel differently, though, and have gone from traditionally straight relationships to relationships with women as they've got older. I think there was always something there, though, like there is with you. Perhaps they become less worried about convention and do what actually makes them happy.

SuburbanCrofter · 16/03/2019 12:10

Same as what Fisher said - I know a lot of lesbians through my friends and family circles (I'm straight). From what I can see, some have good relationships, some have relationships that are dysfunctional and downright damaging. I don't think the success rate is any greater than with heterosexual relationships tbh.

HardofCleaning · 16/03/2019 12:19

I think you have an unhealthy and completely invalid view of men (which may well be formed via genuinely bad experiences on your part). Most men don't cheat, abuse or rape and you are certainly not protected from unfaithfulness or unkindness by dating to women (especially if you're not attracted to them).

If you have a pattern for attracting or being attracted to unpleasant abusive men it might be a good idea not to date for the forseeable future but don't date women if you aren't attracted to them. That would be deceitful and would inevitably lead to hurt for you and any partner.

LarryGreysonsDoor · 16/03/2019 12:23

Have a relationship with some you are attracted to and treats you well.
Worry about if they have a penis or a vagina later.
Why do we need to put ourselves in boxes?

Original poster
NotTryingTo · 16/03/2019 12:25

If you have a pattern for attracting or being attracted to unpleasant abusive men

I don’t actually. I explained in my OP how I’ve come to this, possibly invalid, view of men.

I appreciate all replies and take everything on board. Many of my friends are lesbians so I’m definitely under no illusion that it’s easier or less dysfunctional.

I would also hate to see any of them get invested in someone who was experimenting. I’m not sure I am though.

But that’s the issue is I’m not sure of anything really.

OP posts:
HardofCleaning · 16/03/2019 12:28

OP do you think you could speak to a counsellor? It sounds like you're struggling with complex emotions and perhaps a counsellor could help pick through them. Your description of men in your OP just doesn't sound at all right.

Original poster
NotTryingTo · 16/03/2019 12:33

Your description of men in your OP just doesn't sound at all right.

In what way? I’m not being argumentative at all but I’ve only described my experiences.

OP posts:
DibberlySquats · 16/03/2019 12:48

I've always been bi. I'm married to DH now, he is a really good guy, just fantastic, nothing like the men you describe in your OP. Before I was with him I was in a relationship with a woman, before her a guy, before him a woman.

It's about the person for me. Just focus on being with a good person, not the gender. I say that because it sounds like you're bi anyway.

bullyingadvice2017 · 16/03/2019 12:59

The more men I come across the more I think i want to be single forever. Even when you meet a good guy. Not one relationship I can look at is what I'd want. But women are just as bad together as men and women.

There's just a lot of cheating, aggressive, abusive, gambling, drinking, workshy, etc etc etc in people in general.

The more people I meet, the more I like animals!

HennyPennyHorror · 16/03/2019 13:15

Give it a whirl! What's there to lose? The world is full of beautiful people....male and female. If you're curious, that's valid.

I have been too...I like androgynous women though I've never had an experience.

HarrysOwl · 16/03/2019 15:33

It's about the person for me.

Me too. I'm with my DH but before him I was in a serious relationship with a woman. I never thought of myself as bisexual, I just find I'm attracted to someone or not.

I think if you want to date women then date women! Be honest and say you've got limited experience with female relationships but this is something you want to do. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Sitdownstandup · 16/03/2019 15:47

If you are actually interested in women, as opposed to trying to turn yourself into what you're not, feeling like it would be odd to change course at this stage is a stupid reason to limit yourself.