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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay £50 to socialise and subsequently get ill?

25 replies

Bobcatcornea · 16/03/2019 09:17

I'm supposed to be going out for a meal tomorrow. I've already paid the deposit and know the meal will come to about £50. I'm having a really bad IBS flare up at the minute and everything I eat causes me to feel sick / have bad gastro pain and other issues. DP thinks I should go anyway as it's all about the socialisation. I know I'm going to feel totally awful later that day / into Monday though

AIBU to not want to spend so much money to feel ill?

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 16/03/2019 09:22

Can you speak to the host and say you want to come but not eat?

Original poster

Bobcatcornea · 16/03/2019 09:23

Can you speak to the host and say you want to come but not eat?

Possibly. I think I'd feel awkward sat there whilst everyone else eats and I just drink my water though

OP posts:

OneStepSideways · 16/03/2019 09:27

Can you take some painkillers/loperamide beforehand and just pretend to eat? Say you're on a diet or something and just order a starter or something light?

I have ulcerative colitis and if I cancelled every meal out I'd have no social life!

Mammajay · 16/03/2019 09:33

If you are Ill you would perhaps only lose the deposit and can relax at home?

Mammajay · 16/03/2019 09:36

I think listening to your body is important in being as healthy as possible, and it sounds like yours needs rest not anxiety about a meal, which is less important in the grand scheme of things.

winterisstillcoming · 16/03/2019 09:38

Can you join them afterwards?

BigChocFrenzy · 16/03/2019 09:38

Not worth going if you are going to be ill afterwards,
just explain and make it clear you accept your deposit is lost

It would be very awkward just to sit with a glass of water while everyone else eats

your "socialising " wouldn't be very successful and might even backfire

Birdsgottafly · 16/03/2019 09:41

So are you fasting?

If possible can you get something similar to what you'd eat at home during a flare up?

People are more open to IBS etc and won't give a shit that your not really eating.

It is about the social side. It's shit for you, that it means you miss out.

For me, it would be disappointing not to be able to have a drink, though.

oldmum22 · 16/03/2019 09:46

Meet up afterwards . Accept you will lose the deposit .

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 16/03/2019 09:47

How much is the deposit ? If it will cover you eating something simple or pay for your water I’d go to be social.

Are they expecting everyone to split the bill at the end then. Could you ask for medical dispensation if aren’t eating or drinking and just contribute what you’ve paid.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 16/03/2019 09:58

I’d rather loose the deposit than have to go out when I’m feeling ill

IncrediblySadToo · 16/03/2019 10:05

Is your DP going?

Is he pushing you because he wants to go and won’t go without you, because he wants the house to himself or be a because feels you need to see friends?

megletthesecond · 16/03/2019 10:08

Yanbu. I have IBS and I'd put myself first in that position too.

Fishwifecalling · 16/03/2019 10:17

Just be honest about the situation and go for the company. It can only be awkward if you allow it to be.

Reastie · 16/03/2019 10:24

I have a really restricted diet and get ibs. Eating out is a nightmare for me as it causes flare ups. I’ve tried the bringing my own food, pretend eating, just having a glass of water. To me I find it very stressful and hate the looks and questions I get about it and constantly explaining my situ. I’ve cancelled these things in the past. I’ve also attended and then regretted it when I get the flare up or an evening of answering questions about why I’m not eating/that I should be eating more etc etc. It’s really stressful and I think difficult for people who don’t live it to understand. Don’t force yourself to go but if you think you could go and not eat and be ok with that you might enjoy it.

ShowMeTheKittens · 16/03/2019 10:26

The number of events I have not been able to go to... I personally would cancel.

pink1173 · 16/03/2019 10:32

I have Colitis so I know how you feel and I also have a really busy social life that seems to revolve around food and drink. Call the restaurant- explain you have a condition and you need something very plain to eat and just small portions. Alternatively go a bit later for pudding and have a cup of tea. It’s not ideal but when you have a flare up it is so uncomfortable the last thing you want to do is pay for it!

Margot33 · 16/03/2019 10:39

I would put myself first. Stay home and heal. Maybe suggest you all go out and do an activity next time e.g. bowling instead of meals.

carrotflinger · 16/03/2019 11:16

It's not worth being ill for a couple of days. One of my best friends has suffered from IBS so I know quite a bit about it. Any true friends will understand you having to cancel or going along and just drinking water.

How close are these friends? If you would feel awkward sitting there while they eat then don't go. Don't make yourself ill for the benefit of other people.

Crossfitgirl · 16/03/2019 11:24

Do you want to go?
If not, explain exactly what you have on here, and don't go. Simples. Good friends will understand.

If you DO want to go, I'd go with a pp suggestion and call the restaurant beforehand and request a specific meal that you would feel OK eating at home, or discuss what else they can do for you. Or ask if you can bring your own meal for them to serve you and just pay for whatever you have to drink? Most decent restaurants should be accommodating if you explain the situation. Given the price I assume its a nice place!

ohtheholidays · 16/03/2019 11:27

Don't go and tell your DH to stop being a bloody idiot!

It's got sod all to do with socialising when you have IBS and you've had a flare up,the last thing you usually want to do is eat food or be around it.

I have IBS and Ulcerative colitis and if it was me I'd be staying home and my DH would understand that and so would my friends.
To be fair he'd probably think I'd gone made if I said inspite of having a flair up,being in pain and feeling like shit I was still going to go and sit there sipping water(with a bad flair up you can't always hold even water in)and watching other people eat.

I hope you feel better soon,I know how bloody awful and ridiculous it feels when your body can't do 2 of the most natural things in the world,eat and go to the toilet without feeling like your dying

Afternooninthepark · 16/03/2019 11:34

I totally understand. I’ve had IBS for 20 years and it’s really bad at the moment, non-sufferers just don’t understand how debilitating it can be. I’ve cancelled many a do and used to feel awful but now at 46 I’ve come to realise that stressing about going will make me worse. If you feel really bad don’t go, let them know how bad you are feeling and take some time out, hot water bottle, IBS meds and low fodmap diet, fingers crossed you will feel better soon. And most importantly don’t stress over it, hope you feel better soon

woodcutbirds · 16/03/2019 11:41

Tell them you are having a bad IBS flare up and can't come. You might lose the deposit but that's better than paying £50 to go, hate it and feel ill afterwards

BloodyDisgrace · 16/03/2019 12:16

DP thinks I should go anyway as it's all about the socialisation

Not a very supportive or caring DP then ... There is no way I'd go if I were ill. But then I absolutely hate "socialising" - I have close friends. But suffering in group of mere acquaintances, worrying if the sick you is ruining the healthy bastards' evening? - no fucking way.

Original poster

Bobcatcornea · 16/03/2019 13:59

Thanks all. I'm currently trying the low fodmap diet which basically means no wheat, milk, garlic, onions and lots of other food types. The only thing on the menu I can eat is chips. Currently at home I eat plain rice and plain chicken / beef but even then I'm still in a lot of pain.

DP isn't going. I don't think he's pushing, I think he's just worried I'll regret not going and I think he thinks I'm purely worried about the money rather then the feeling ill.

OP posts:

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