I feel stuck in a rut

[Namechangedtoprotect]

AIBU to want more?
I feel stuck, I have to work to earn money, my job is getting bigger for less money (adj for inflation) and my prospects are shit. I have a health condition so I'm worried about moving company. I also have bad anxiety and low self confidence.
My personal life is stuck. I feel so low all the time. My son has a life long condition and my mum passed away recently. I tried counselling but it didn't help. My husband is trying but I have no joy in anything so I keep buying holidays and things and trips out to try and fill the void.
What do I need todo to sort out my life or will it be grey and hard forever. I worry about the effect I'm having on my kids. I have no laughter or fun in me.

What would you like to do with your life? If you could do anything?

I would love to take my children out of f school and travel the world, staying in amazing places and experiencing everything. Or win enough money so I can stop working, take over childcare so DH can follow his dream

How old are your kids?

They are ten

Do it before they start secondary school if you want longer than 6 weeks. Are you able to save up all your annual leave and go on a long holiday during the school holidays?

1. I would have to leave work if I wanted more than a week off
2. bills still need to be paid
3. I couldn't take my kids out of school, they like going and they need routine

All my plans are selfish, but I can't see a way out of the rut I am in

Do you own your home?
What is your DH’s dream?

You need something new in your life. A hobby or social events.
When I felt like this I joined the gym. It has a kids club so we can go as a family. We really enjoy it!

I would start with a holiday. You sound like you need one. Then work from there.

If your children crave routine, then traveling the world doesn't sound like a good thing for them, it sounds as though it would be nightmarish!

I get the need to flee, I really do, but this sounds like pure escapism fantasy.

It's is escapism fantasy. All I do at the moment is dream. What can I do to make my life more fulfilling? I don't have time for anything other then kids or work and my next holiday is may

Will your children ever be able to live independently? That's the starting point.