Sex - who’s being selfish here?

[PhryneFisher]

Ok, so this is a bit complicated.

We’re currently renovating our house. OH is overseeing the work, but due to DS’s asthma, me and the kids are spending periods of time at my parents house when there is a lot of dust etc.

OH doesn’t stay at my parents because he’s allergic to their dog, so he’s at home.
Obviously this means a lot of time apart (which we’re used to, he’s a shift worker).

He comes to my parents every night after work/building etc to see the kids, but AYCI, alone time is difficult. So we sometimes makes excuses that I am going home to “see what the builders have done that day”, and essentially we use that time for sex. We’re not talking daily here, maybe once/twice a week.

He has always got off on trying to sneak attempts to bring me off when there are people around, he tries it on under the table in restaurants etc, which I usually stop, depend on how public the situation is. It doesn’t do much for me but it usually sets the scene for later when we’ve alone.

Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner. I was up for it but obviously not there and then, so I said “After dinner, let’s pop home and you can show me the timing done today.”
He tried it on again in the car. Got in, I went to make a move (we’re having a lot of quickies at the mo, for obvious reasons). He pushed me away and said “FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”
I was obviously upset, but didn’t want to push him.
He dropped me back at my parents (because obviously we had gone in his car), he said he would come in for a bit, within minutes, he was trying it on, discreetly, with my mum in the same room!

Obviously I slapped him away and my mum, I think, was oblivious, but it occurred to me, he does this a lot, gets me excited in an awkward situation, then goes cold when it’s no longer awkward.

Not sure if the problem is with him trying to make things a bit more exciting or me taking offence. He claims the latter.

I do most of the instigating anyway, when we do do it, he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate.

Fairly certain nobody gets brought off unless there’s some fairly heavy wanking going on

I can assure you heavy wanking would not bring me off.

He sounds awful.
But he can’t be or you wouldn’t be with him. What do you both actually talk about? Can’t the guy just be in a restaurant with you or does he just have to turn into a wank fest? I know it’s not When Harry Met Sally, but it’s grim. I want to understand the magic between you two because quite frankly, trying to get you off in front of your mum but then rejecting you in a place of privacy is just shit, really. Poor you. I don’t know what the fix is. But you’re so not BU.

VelvetPineapple let’s just assume we’re not talking full on wanking here, OK, just little touches that on their own are nothing much, but usually suggest more is to follow.

Secondly, yes, she was - I think you’re focussing on the wrong detail here, but since you ask, she had been out for a meal with friends, and wasn’t eating with us - it’s essentially a park home so she was making a cup of tea in the kitchen, we were in the lounge area.
We didn’t shag each other on the table during Coronation Street.

I already said, I don’t go in for public sex, it’s not my thing but there’s a whole line between someone making a subtle suggestion in public and what I think you are imagining.....

And why don’t you just say “FFS, not in front of my parents!”? Why haven’t you said STOP?

I’m not imagining anything. It was you who said he tries to bring you off. Not a subtle suggestion. You actually used the words “bring me off”.

We didn’t shag each other on the table during Coronation Street

Finding the pearl clutchers this morning, OP!

Vanguard I think you’re right. The long and short of it isn’t we obviously need a proper conversation, which is just a nightmare at the moment. But it did make me feel shit, you’re right.

Alternatively, I might just suggest we go shopping and jump him in the middle of the Trafford Centre, just for shits and giggles..... then report back here!

All sounds a bit pervy and grim tbh

Velvet TRIES is the operative word there. I think he sometimes genuinely thinks that that is all it takes. Whereas experience should have taught him I need MUCH more.....

I agree with the poster above, he sounds like a pervert. If you get arrested and charged with indecency it will be in the papers and on your DBS, how will you feel about that?
The issue isn't with him going off sex.
Theres something wrong with him, doing that in front of parents.

Moving his finger closer - acceptable

Playing footsie - acceptable

Putting his hand up your dress and stroking your minge over your knickers - not acceptable

So you always stop him after the touches in public? Do you know or have you talked to him about what he actually wants/intends in those situations, if you didn't stop him? If you didn't stop him would he take it further and further and actually start trying to 'bring you off', which is disgusting and perverted, sorry. If he'd stop before it got indecent then what would he see happening next?

It's ok you saying it's fine because it never gets very far but what's the whole point of it if he's not happy with you suggesting sex later... it's hard for us to advise when it's so unclear what you're saying he's actually aiming at! Does he want to be intimate in public? Does he want sex later but somehow you're judging the timing wrong or is he being a twat winding you up? If you don't know then it's a convo you need with him.

I think I will have a conversation with him today to see what’s what, now that the general consensus seems to be that he was in the wrong, which is all I was trying to gauge.

I think you need to explain what you've said here to him. That you don't mind it in certain situations, but not where your parents are and that you've noticed he doesn't seem interested when it's just the 2 of you.

I also don't think he's a pervert at all. What he does can be exciting for both of you if it doesn't overstep the mark.

Do you know his full background OP? Have you seen his police check? I wonder if he has sexual offences on his record. Has he?
He really doesn't give a shit to do that in front of parents and in public.

This jumped out at me:

he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate

Weird. Fair enough being turned on by sex n 'naughty' places but this is cruel - if done over and over as part of a pattern. What's the rest of your relationship like?

FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”

😱 If these were the words he really used, I’d be very very upset. There are kinder ways to turn down other people’s advances.

Bet your mum is more aware than you think.

Boysey, we’ve been together since school, I have no concerns in that area, although I understand why you might think that.

kingfisher I thought it was OK, but this is a newish thing.

point out how him going cold after showing interest can be at best confusing and at worst quite hurtful

I do get what you’re saying OP & the quote above from one poster seems to sum up succinctly what you seemed to be saying as well as some of the others (who were focusing less on the unfortunate use of ‘bringing off’ and being a perv aspect!).

However if you look at that statement above & turn the tables, especially if you look from the perspective of consent (thinking about the ‘cup of tea’ consent analogy - if you ask someone if they want a cup of tea, make the tea then they decide they don’t want tea after all) then him changing his mind is valid - even if confusing!

We can all change our minds when it comes to sex, if a man said that statement above about a situation with a woman, or worse still assumed that earlier signals gave him a green light to carry on regardless (not that you did, obviously) or that he was obliged to because he’d previously seemed up for it then the reaction on here would be very different!

It does sound like you need a conversation- mainly about how the public teasing makes you uncomfortable/is inappropriate.

The whole situation with your living arrangements also sounds trying - hopefully if you communicate & say how much you’re looking forward to a time when things are a bit more normal & you get proper time alone/he isn’t permanently knackered from working & building in his spare time & you get to sleep on the same bed - whilst explaining why being given one impression & then being rejected hurt your feelings then you’ll resolve it. Sounds more like a lack of opportunity to communicate & a frustrating time generally (or he only gets turned on in risky situations which is a whole other issue you need to cover clearly!). Good luck!

I think you can draw a boundary at your parents presence, without stopping suggestive touches in the car.

You need to discuss this though, not in the heat of the moment.

It sounds like he wanted to do things his way -a bit of a power thing- so saw doing it your way as giving in. I'd be really clear that this leads to no sex for anyone. I do think he crossed a line, as it was one you'd already drawn earlier that evening.

You say this is a fairly recent thing, what was your relationship like before? Presumably he has not always needed the stimulation of inappropriate situations? Were you having regular, enjoyable sex in private? What has changed in your lives in general that could have led to this change in your sex life?

Does he watch porn? I wonder if he has got obsessed with those "caught in public" type videos and somehow can only become aroused in that type of situation?

Whatever the reasons behind it, you're clearly not happy, and he doesn't sound particularly happy either. You definitely need to talk, and state that you find his behaviour unacceptable. However reassure him you still find him attractive and want to have sex with him (if you do, it sounds like you do) but it has to be in more acceptable situations, and not triggered by inappropriate behaviour. Listen to his perspective and see what he says.

I think he has a thing about ‘being caught’ and ‘doing it in public’, maybe it’s a new turn in for him? Even so he needs to stop as it’s just wrong. I have had partners in the past that have done similar but they were young and stupid, it can also be a control thing.

I love Velvet’s concern that the husband might touch his wife’s body and then touch other things with his ‘unwashed hands’. Considering the number of people who urinate/defecate/play pocket billiards/stroke animals etc etc without washing their hands afterwards, I don’t think the OPs husband is going to add many extra microbes to the general mix.