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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive

17 replies

Xyzzzzz · 15/03/2019 22:40

1st time poster looking for an unbiased opinion.

I am pregnant (1st baby) and ever since I told my best friend she’s been giving me unsolicited advice. For example I mentioned some gadgets I was looking at,after she asked me what I did in the weekend (nothing bought yet)and she sent me all the negative reviews for them because she didn’t use them.

I was tagged in something on social media re some clothing (by someone else) and she immediately messaged me to say don’t buy them??

She asked me about feeding and I mentioned I might formula (I was formula fed and find) but I’ve not decided and she insisted I breast feed as women who say they can’t don’t try Hmm. We argued over this statement as I found it way out of line and extremely insensitive.

Is this normal to get such advice? Am I being oversensitive due to hormones? Do People feel it’s ok to force their opinions on others? It’s come to the point where I avoid her and ignore her messages.

I just don’t feel close to her anymore I felt a bit down about pregnancy due to the symptoms I have non stop sickness and she judged me on not enjoying pregnancy?? And didn’t understand why I was not enjoying this magical experience??? Because of course she had no symptoms so it was perfect so she enjoyed it so I should too.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 15/03/2019 22:44

She sounds very self absorbed. Your hormones will magnify everything, and she would irritate a non pregnant non nauseous person.

Cabinetoffthewall · 15/03/2019 22:47

People will tell you all about their own experiences and give you their own anecdotal advice. Ignore it. I'm currently 26 weeks and been driven mad by people's horrendous birth stories. Why would I want to know?!
Essentially as soon as you get pregnant some people seem to find it a free for all on telling you what to do and commenting on your body etc.

It's crap but you have to just ignore it :-/

namechangexoxo · 15/03/2019 22:47

Getting unsolicited advice is part of being pregnant/a parent unfortunately. I try to ask if people want my advice or recommendations beforehand because it can be annoying as you have experienced!

mrsdavys · 15/03/2019 22:49

Has she had children herself?
Do you think she could be wanting kids herself and she’s jealous so is trying to live through you?

Bobbycat121 · 15/03/2019 22:49

unfortunately
yes I find this is normal. Ive never received so much judgement since becoming a mother. You will find people will have an opinion on everything.

Hohofortherobbers · 15/03/2019 22:52

Smile, nod and say you'll muddle through things your own way thank you. At times her advice may help so don't make waves

Original poster
Xyzzzzz · 15/03/2019 22:53

Yes she has 3 children ....so I guess she feels entitled to tell me

My own sister doesn’t give me unsolicited advice and always waits for me to ask her....

Thank you for all of your replies I guess I’ll just try to ignore her best I can. I hope our friendship isn’t ruined. Should I tell her to stop and be direct?

OP posts:
namechangexoxo · 15/03/2019 22:59

Maybe if she says 'don't buy that' you could just answer with why you do want to buy it. It sounds like she's trying to help you not waste money but equally everyone's lives are so different that something that one person loathes, another owes their sanity to! For example my perfect prep is one of the most wonderful gadgets I've ever had, my goodness I love it; however my friend said it was a waste of money, the tubes go mouldy (mine haven't!!), it's dangerous if temperature isn't right blah blah blah... best thing I bought IMO!

CaseofEllen · 15/03/2019 23:03

When you're pregnant literally anyone and everyone, from your friends to your mums work colleagues, think that they have the right to give unsolicited advice/opinions and it's so f*cking annoying!

I usually find a swift comeback helps, i.e. my uncle kept repeating the same thing 'I bet it'll be a relief when you lose all that weight' (I'm still pregnant btw) so I told him 'it'll be a relief when you finally stop repeating yourself'.

Pregnancy is a really difficult time both emotionally and physically and sometimes you just gotta call people out.

SausageAndEgg · 15/03/2019 23:07

Everything anybody says will annoy you for the next few months so I’d just learn to let it go

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/03/2019 23:08

She sounds annoying and not very tactful.
You’re an adult and can work out whether something is useful or not.

Time to start being forceful with her now OP.

Moonchild1987 · 15/03/2019 23:09

I guess as parenting is such a trial by error thing she probably sees it as trying to be helpful and help you navigate through the confusion and also learn from her mistakes i.e. 'don't buy this we spend so much and it never got used.' or 'oh we hardly used this as it was just too impractical and made our lives more difficult rather then easier'

the breast feeding thing might be out of order but depending how close you are she could see it as friendly advice etc

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/03/2019 23:13

Completely normal and it won't stop when the baby arrives. A family member asked me why I hadn't 'stopped that yet' - breast feeding and because my son is 14 weeks old .... And if I had a pound for everyone I've been given a funny look when I've said DS doesn't have a dummy (never unsolicited, always when it's mentioned and including the nurse who does his vaccinations) Just ignore it all

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/03/2019 23:14

*every time

Stifledlife · 15/03/2019 23:32

I suspect she's enjoying the role of mentor. Having a baby is joining a really exclusive club, and especially for your first, you are bombarded with suggestions from the entire baby industry about what you absolutely must have.
For my first baby I had SO much stuff. For my second, I completely ditched most of it.

I imagine by the time you've had 3 or 4, you realise you can get by with a pile of muslins and 3 baby grows.

Could you perhaps thank her, and tell her that it's all fresh and new for you and you are enjoying the learning curve, so all advice gratefully accepted but not necessarily acted upon..

Don't lose her. You may be very grateful for her advice and a sympathetic ear in a few months time.

Original poster
Xyzzzzz · 16/03/2019 10:25

Thanks for all of your point of views! I’ll take them on board

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 16/03/2019 10:36

It just sounds like she’s very enthusiastic about helping you not to make mistakes she made, waste money etc.

Try to see it in that light, if you can’t, then tell her you just want to find your own way, even if that means making mistakes.

For example, I think it’s very easy to spend a LOT of money on ‘gadgets’ that seem fabulous, but actually turn out to be unnecessary, crap or dangerous. If someone said to me ‘Oh we went looking for cot sets, the bumpers are so cute’ I would NOT be able to stop myself telling them how dangerous they are.

It’s very hard not to want to help when you can 🤷🏻‍♀️

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