To ask how you talk to your kids about money

[Mangetoutrodney]

DS 11 wants some new trainers. He does need some but has a pair he can wear for a few more weeks. Said trainers are branded & £40 in sale. We can’t afford them this week as have DD’s party to pay for. I have also paid £50 for his football training term today and he is going to a football match in 2 weeks & tickets cost £50.
He’s currently upstairs crying hysterically after being told all of the above & that we can’t afford it this week.

Aibu to ask how you deal with these kinds of conversations? Should I be telling him that we are skint & that there are budget realities that he needs to understand?

I feel ill equipped sometimes to talk to my kids in a positive way about money.

DS is also behaving like a spoilt little shit but obviously I don’t want to say that! I have said that sometimes we have to wait for stuff.

It’s a very fine line isn’t it?

I try to explain what I can in a child appropriate way to my almost 6 year old and she does seem to understand when I say we don’t have enough pennies.

But she’s 6 so doesn’t have things like peer pressure as popularity to contend with over things like trainers

Has he got birthday money he could spend on his trainers? crying hysterically sounds a bit, well you know, extreme.

Yes, you do need to have frank conversations about money and being skint. Plus we cant all have everything we want all of the time. That's an unfortunate fact of life. If he doesn't understand simple economics now, he wont be able to budget when he's earning his own money

It’s the peer pressure thats becoming really tricky to deal with too. His mates come from all backgrounds though & lots of families are more skint than we are for sure.

I said to him the other day that he could think about a Saturday job when he’s 15/16 as that’s what I did

What sort of groundwork have you laid so far? I mean, how have you approached money in the past. I have a 7yo and she has always known that we work to pay the bills and to do fun things and that if we didn't work we wouldn't be able to do the fun things. She also knows about saving up. Sometimes we say no to things because it's too expensive and sometimes we say she can have something, for example a book but that she has £5 to spend. Is that the sort of thing you've done? It's just useful to understand what his current thought process is.

I've been having these conversations with my kids as soon as they could talk. We also discuss choices and budgeting. The two eldest had their own cash card account at 11 to manage their own budgets.

@plainspeaking I think he’s quite hormonal & tired too which isn’t helping. We can honestly hear him sobbing despite talking to him about it 😬 He has got some birthday money but it’s in a savings account

He has got some birthday money but it’s in a savings account

It's his money - let him spend it on trainers

@maverick similar conversations I guess - we both work so he knows why that is/ bills etc. I think sometimes we have made it too easy tho. Going to get him a Henry card or similar for secondary school in sept so he can manage his budget.

It's tough really but I think you need to explain. I wouldn't say you are broke but like u said here this week u got x y Z to pay for so trainers have to wait til week r two. Even when I have the money they don't get everything they want the minute the want it!

I've always been quite clear about it with mine. We have been actually skint, as in I've had to go without food so she can eat in the past. Now split with her dad I can manage our money better, but still don't have lots.

She has never known how bad it is. But she does know that we spend our money first on the things we need, like our house, our food, our bus tickets, and the stuff we have left over doesn't cover all the new stuff we might want, and we have to choose carefully what we might need first; sometimes it's fun things like day trips, sometimes it's boring things like new school shoes, and always a little bit to save for emergencies.

She has a money box for pocket money and has done since she was old enough to walk with me to the shops and ask for comics! So she is no stranger to budgeting.

My 12 yo was desparate for Nike trainers in January so used his Christmas money. They were £70 in the sale. He loves them and wears them every day as he attends a non-uniform secondary. It was his money so fine with me. I never make him save. Just make him really consider his purchases.

He'll get over it. When he's not crying hysterically point out that you are luckier than many families, all the bills are covered, he is fed, warm and clothed, and there is money in savings for emergencies, but the money for extras has been spent this month, paying for the things he and his sister want, so new trainers will have to wait. Would he really have rather have had new trainers and not the match tickets?
Or if you would have found the money for budget trainers and they are a bargain maybe go halves and let him use his birthday money to pay for the branded ones?

Maybe try and explain it to him in a way that he may understand, something like that's the same amount you spend on shopping for a week or tell him you need to work x amount of days to earn that much etc

Why can't he use his own money?

My dc understand that we work to earn money, everything costs money and sometimes needs come before wants.

They can earn pocket money but at theirs ages 8 and 7 it's no more than couple of pound a week. I then give them the option of saving or spending. I've done that since they were 5/4 and they are both capable of counting their money and spending wisely.

Clothes/shoes I buy when are needed. Days out, trips etc I pay for. The money they get is just purely for sweets, toys and wanted things.

We were lucky in that neither of ours really asked for anything. We used to talk to them and explain from being very young they can't always have everything and emphasise they are luckier than most etc.

If they'd stropped or got hissy at any time they wouldn't get diddly shit but they didn't. Had a strict rule of tantrums and tears never paying off or being worth their while across the board so that was always a given.

Might be worth working out a deal with your son that he has to do certain jobs to earn pocket money which if he does and manages to save enough you will then put towards the things he really does want. Make him decide and whittle down his list more carefully if he has to work to get what he's after.

I took my daughter to work with me at weekends and school holidays from being 9 or 10yrs old maybe and gave her all the boring jobs to do filing, photocopying, updating files and sorting through mountains of folders.

She loved it and I think what gave her a sense of feeling she was earning her crust was filling out a time-sheet and putting it with everyone else's.

Son used to have certain "jobs" which if he did we'd give him an allowance and a treat him now and then but within reason - can't just buy whatever and whenever.

If he didn't - he didn't get paid and whatever he wanted would just have to wait.

He did keep to his jobs aside from a few lapses but when he got lazy and slacked off, the funds dropped and if it coincided with a new game release he'd have to up the ante and work even harder.

Nephew is generally a kid whose parents never say no or make him go without but when he's at ours, he's put to work and made to muck in and help out and come to the farm / help with the horses and the dogs and he loves it. His parents couldn't believe he'd willingly and happily done all that so I sent photos.

Never any argument or having to bargain it's "OK wellies on you do this and that and then when we're finished we'll go McDonalds"

Just gives a feeling of being grown up and I'm sure it makes the McDonald's taste that bit better when they've earned it

Work out a fair agreement with him if you can and be a bit cold-hearted if need be in saying he doesn't get things without making some effort and working for them. He doesn't agree to work out an agreement with you he gets nothing at all.

Otherwise he'll have to sharpen up and learn how to compromise and earn his keep.

It’s tricky to get the right balance isn’t it - you want DC to understand about budgeting etc but at the same time you don’t want them to worry about money....

But tbh, if he is sobbing, there is probably other stuff going on - tiredness, etc

I don't think it will sink in to be honest.

I grew up with a single mum and a sibling and we were always skint as a family. I remember my mum patiently explaining why she couldn't afford some new designer jeans I wanted (because rent and food on the table and all that) and my moody preadolescent self telling her rather unkindly it was not my fault she'd made bad choices in her life that affected mine. Oh how I wish I could go back. But kids are self centered little beings.

Eventually around ten or eleven she began giving us an allowance (around £2pw) and we could save or spend it but we knew if we want fancy jeans or trainers or concert tickets it needed to come out of that, so we saved. If we genuinely needed new trainers and wanted a fancy pair, we paid the difference between the basic trainers she would've bought us. It worked well and now I'm good with money and rarely skint, even as a single mum.

Ours know they have to pay for some treats/extravagance themselves (including branded clothes/shoes, popcorn/treats at the movies, special stationery) - as a PP said, we'll pay an amount equal to a good quality "basic" version of the item and then they pay the "uplift". They have to do 3 'big' jobs per week (eg washing outside of car, watering all plants, washing and hanging out laundry) to earn pocket money (50p per week per year of age, will increase as they get older). They have to save 40% and donate 10%, and can spend the remainder. This has been an excellent way of teaching them the value of money and how to prioritise. (FWIW, they also have to do other chores like keep their room tidy, put toys away, empty dishwasher, empty school lunchbox and they do not receive pocket money for this as we see it as contribution to the family.). There were some tears at the start when we stopped paying for these 'extras' and for a few weeks they couldn't have what they wanted immediately, but it settled down as they earned enough to have a little 'pool' of cash from which they could choose to make purchases.