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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if IABR regarding emotional abuse?

20 replies

Z3bra · 15/03/2019 08:18

Recently left ex partner over emotional abuse. Constantly stepping on eggshells, it was awful and not normal behaviour. I've been in contact with his ex partner who said he was the same with her and she's also told me about some alleged physical violence towards his previous ex (though she only heard this through the grape vine). He used to raise his voice at me, criticised my body, financially controlled me. Women's aid and HV have assessed me as high risk. Solicitor has said not to facilitate any kind of contact with him as she's not comfortable with it. I didn't speak to him for a whole day, I gave no explanation but he has threatened to call the police if I don't contact him so I told him that I've been advised not to contact him, he will receive a letter in the post and that our child is fine. He's now responded saying that if I don't come to see him with out son that he is going to come here at the weekend, even though he is not welcome and I've told him I'm not having contact with him.

Why. WHY do I feel like I'm maybe being overly dramatic and that I should just let him in? I feel so controlled by him and I know he is a vile, nasty piece of work, but I'm so used to his behaviour that I still struggle at times to see it as abusive. I just feel sorry for him. I hate him. But I feel sorry for him...

Can anyone talk some sense in to me? I find myself minimising his behaviour and I am just so lost and tired...

OP posts:

user1498854363 · 15/03/2019 08:25

Op, it sounds like you have done fabulously to get you and ds (darling son) out of an abusive home. Well done.

You have the right to be safe. You do not have to let him in, follow the advice you have been given.

He is so used to not listening to you that he is continuing to ignore you. You have told him and he is not listening.
If he turns up call the police, he is unwanted.
He does not have the right to dictate to you, you have proven that by getting out- that’s your choice. And you are keeping ds safe by having him with you.

Other professionals are giving you good advice, keep you and ds away from him. Contact may happen down the line, that is another discussion.

For now, you are safe away from him, keep that up.

It’s hard, what support do you have?

Queenofthestress · 15/03/2019 08:26

You're still in the FOG. Listen to the professionals. They have yours and the childs best interests at heart.

Original poster

Z3bra · 15/03/2019 08:27

@user1498854363 I'm staying with friends who have been pretty strong for me. He has a young daughter and I'm worried he will turn up with her this weekend. He knows I care about her and would struggle to call the police if he was there with his daughter as I don't want her to be witness to that.

OP posts:

user1498854363 · 15/03/2019 08:30

Don’t think about ex, Think about it as if you want to keep yr ds, you must keep him safe, if you put child at risk social services may think he is not safe living with you!

You have to give yourself the chance to be you after being controlled for so long.

Does ex know where u live? Do woman’s aid and solicitors know this? Do u feel safe staying there? Do u have friends/family you could stay with or who could stay with you?

WhiteVixen · 15/03/2019 08:34

Listen to those authorities who are trying to help you. Women’s Aid have classes you as high risk. Your solicitor has advised you not to contact him. These are people who are trained to identify dangerous behaviour when you cannot, simply because you have been exposed to it for so long. Let him call the police if he wants to. I bet you all the money in my bank account he won’t. You would be the one within your rights to call the police if he turns up on your doorstep, when he has been told he is not welcome.
Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time for you. You have already heard from his ex that he was the same with her, and possibly worse with previous partners. Listen to what they are saying, and keep yourself and your child safe. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster

Z3bra · 15/03/2019 08:44

I feel more hatred towards myself than I do towards him. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

OP posts:

TwoRoundabouts · 15/03/2019 08:48

OP by not involving the police if he turns up you are not protecting your daughter but helping you both be abused.

He is not to attend your address and should stay away from you unless he wants a court order that prevents him.

If he wants to see your daughter then he should be adult enough to make arrangements through your solicitor.

TwoRoundabouts · 15/03/2019 08:50

Sorry should say son but the sentiment is the same.

Allowing your child to watch you being abused is actually now considered child abuse. You are doing the best thing by obeying your solicitor.

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/03/2019 09:36

he is ea so with that comes the toolbox with which to manipulate you. He is not averse to using his daughter to wheedle his way in and for what? To make you feel like a rubbish person and to lay more crap on you. For your own safety and that of the children you need to stay resolute. If you can't then you need to go out and spend the day somewhere else or make it very clear that if he shows up with or without his child, you will call the police. He has chosen this path. If he brings her, it is his decision not yours and is all part of the FOG game. Don't fall at the first hurdle, you have been strong now stick with it.

user1498854363 · 15/03/2019 15:20

How are u feeling op? How was your day?

Original poster

Z3bra · 15/03/2019 15:54

Thanks for asking @user1498854363 - feeling anxious. Can't sleep or eat. He's threatened to turn up at the house. Feel so sick.

OP posts:

user1498854363 · 15/03/2019 23:36

Hope it’s been ok for you, it’s so important to look after yrself and be kind to yrself 💐

CheshireChat · 15/03/2019 23:43

Of course he's threatening you, you're moving away from his control and it's pissing him off! And bloody good for you.

The police are going to be mindful there's kids around so perhaps just give them a heads up if you end up calling them.

IIRC most women lose custody of their children because they fail to protect them rather than abuse so look at your kid and think if you could even imagine that.

If it helps, write down all the shit he's put you through and every time you feel unsure, re read it.

Or hell, come back here, you'd definitely get an earful.

Kaleela · 16/03/2019 05:53

He is THREATENING to turn up! That kind of language should immediately say to you that you need to follow the advice of the professionals and call the police. Log all of it. Keep records. Don't be blackmailed into giving in to him. If he wants to bring his DD to witness his toxic behaviour then that is HIS issue not yours (what a disgusting person, using their child to get their way). He has been manipulating you from the get go clearly and expects to be able to get his way with you. It is coercive control and he needs to be stopped. If he turns up, ignore the door. If he won't go away, call the police. Do not give in. If you start to ignore the advice of the professionals involved it will go against you in the future.

Original poster

Z3bra · 16/03/2019 08:26

He thinks he's reasonable turning up because not seen his son for a week... again last night I had convinced myself that maybe he's right. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore.

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/03/2019 08:33

You know if he does turn up with his daughter that he'll only be doing it to punish you. You also know that he's smart enough to use her to manipulate you. I know I sound brutal but you have to stop letting him manipulate you now. It's not easy and it's not instant, but you have to stop letting him make you doubt yourself.

If he turns up, don't engage with him at all; no calls, no texts, no chatting through doors/windows. Call the police. You've been assessed as being high risk; the police will respond accordingly and will listen to you and help you. Let them help you, and keep telling yourself that what you're doing is for the very best for your child. Keep posting on here if you feel yourself wavering, and listen to others who've been through the same; so many posters on here have felt exactly the same as you and that vulnerability and the mind games have them doubting every move they make.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/03/2019 08:50

WHY do I feel like I'm maybe being overly dramatic and that I should just let him in? I feel so controlled by him and I know he is a vile, nasty piece of work, but I'm so used to his behaviour that I still struggle at times to see it as abusive. You're used to his behaviour when you were living with him. You are not used to his behaviour now he has "lost" you. This is a high risk time - you can expect his unreasonable behaviour to escalate to things that you don't really believe that he's capable of doing. Follow the advice you're been given.

Jokie · 16/03/2019 08:58

OP: I've got no real advice but hope you're ok and hope your friends can help support you if he turns up

Skyzalimit · 16/03/2019 09:15

Definitely don't let him in. The professionals are right.

Can you go out for the day?

MumUnderTheMoon · 16/03/2019 09:41

If women's aid and the health visitor have assessed you as high risk then do not have contact with him. No matter what he says. Also do not let him in if he shows up no matter what and call the police if he does. To be blunt. Social services could become involved and question if you can protect your child and act in their best interest.

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