An abusive ex from years ago in the workplace?

[Hmmhowdoihandlethis]

I'm a long time poster but I've name changed as I have many posts stating the age of my children, part of the country I live in and I don't want my add my profession to the list in I'm identified.

Many years ago when I was a naive 17 year old I started dating a 23 year old man, we dated for 2 years. It's only as I've got older, and wiser, that I've realised just how abusive he was. He was my first bf so I had nothing to compare it with at the time. In those two years he was extremely emotionally abusive, would tell me frequently that I wasn't attractive and was nothing special. He slapped me round the face twice. I fell pregnant at 18 and on the way to the consultation appt at the abortion clinic he decided he couldn't be bothered and got off the train and went home leaving me to go on my own. The night before I had the abortion he went out clubbing which meant the following morning I had to drive myself to the clinic because he was still in bed. He then failed to pick me up when he was meant to and I had to wait for ages, literally sitting with the nurses until the end of the day when everyone had left. He was sexually abusive, I won't go in to details. I left him and Ive never spoken or seen him since. Until potentially now.

I have an event taking place in a hotel in London and the name of the chef I will be meeting at the menu tasting is the same as my ex. He was a chef all those years ago so I immediately looked on Linkedin and it is him. My name hasn't changed and my surname isn't common so he will definitely recognise my name too. I do not want to see him, speak to him, deal with him in any capacity.

How do I handle this without exposing my past to my work colleagues? How do I refuse to work with him? It isn't the norm to ask to meet with another chef, they will want to know why I won't work with him when he is obviously the head chef or one of them for this event!

How can I deal with this so I keep my professional integrity? Even the look of his face on Linkedin made me shudder.

Is there anyone at work who is going with you that you could confide in? Who could be your back up should you need it?

Talk to your manager. Or phone in sick. You do not have to deal with this person.

Can you delegate the meeting to someone else?

I can't delegate as it's my job to try/decide on the menu. I can't phone in sick because they will just rearrange it. I can't imagine having to see him again. I'm worried confiding in a colleague will alter their opinion of me.

Does it have to be this venue?

Do you actually have to meet the chef? Can you get them to provide a selection that the wider team can sample?

If I worked with you and you confided in me it wouldn't change my opinion of you but I would want to help you if I could.

Change the venue. Say you had some poor feedback from an acquaintance and you’d hate for the company to be let down in the same way,
Just as an aside, LinkedIn shows who has looked st your rofile unless you have the private setting so he may know you looked at his profile.

You should not be doing anything in your job that puts you in any danger physically or mentally. You need to tell them you can't do this and explain why. Don't need to go into details just say he was violent and abusive and you cannot see him. They can change venue or send someone else

Why would a colleague change their opinion of you when you've done nothing wrong? If I was your colleague and you told me that I'd do anything I could to help.

Seconding don't go if you dont want to and if you told me my opinion of you wouldn't change one bit.

It wouldn't change my opinion of you at all. I think you probably have to tell someone. You definitely shouldn't see him again in any context, or be in a position where you even possibly might run into him.

Is your line manager a supportive person? I think you need to confide in them, you don't need to go into too much detail, I think to say it was an abusive relationship should be enough. This wouldn't make me think any less of some-one professionally at all.

I'm assuming changing the venue isn't an option at this stage?

I’d call the hotel and tell them you won’t see him. You need an alternative point of contact or you’ll be pulling out. I wouldn’t worry too much about telling them he’s a violent abusive prick, but that’s up to you.

Can you declare a conflict of interests and use that as a get out clause?

Others are right. If you confided in me I would take it as a compliment and go over and above to help you out.

Ask for help, let them attend and say the food is shit and the chef has a bad attitude and pick a new venue.

I agree with confiding in your line manager. If they are supportive they will want to help you and support you.

On another note, my company's health and safety policy has a 'right to withdraw' section giving employees the right to remove themselves from a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or in danger.