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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend?

20 replies

Oakhead · 14/03/2019 20:25

Just wanted some opinions as I'm not sure if I am being overly sensitive!!
Met an old friend (let's call her Doreen) a few weeks back and we had a good catch up. We do see each other and message quite regularly. We'd also already arranged to meet again for a night out with a couple of other old friends.
Doreen then mentioned that another friend (let's call her Jo) would be joining us, all fine, but I was a bit surprised as to my knowledge she wasn't someone my other friends had been in contact with very often, although to be fair Doreen is good at keeping up with others and much better than me!
Later that week Doreen said that Jo could give me a lift on the night out, which was good of her, but not massively out of her way. Jo and I had a nice chat in the car and a drink before the others turned up. All going well.
We were all chatting nicely in a bar when one of the others made a reference to a party that Jo had had over Christmas for a big birthday, which they had all been at but I clearly hadn't. And not only not been to, but I knew absolutely nothing about it.
I thought it was a bit rude at the time, but conversation moved on, so no big deal.
Anyway, later on the topic of the party came up again and this time they all spoke about it for much longer and even got out photos. I felt really awkward.
Anyway I've been stewing on this for a week and am really annoyed by Doreen, who has clearly deliberately not mentioned the party.

She's been trying to arrange another evening out with our partners, and I'm currently ignoring her which is quite childish, but I'm not sure what to do.... basically do I try talking to her or just get over it?
Were they all just being rude, and has she deliberately hiding this from me (the answer to that last question must be 'yes')
She's had a difficult time recently for a number of reasons, but has also behaved quite weirdly to other mutual friends who aren't in contact with her anymore as a result. And I've always stood up for her.
Any thoughts on what to do? She could flip if I say anything, as she has apparently done in other confrontational situations.

I'm reading this back and it may seem quite petty, but it's actually made me feel a bit worthless, I suppose. And a bit sad that I was not invited in the first place and also kept in the dark.
Would love to hear some MN views!

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 14/03/2019 20:28

I'm not sure that it's really Doreen's fault. If you weren't invited to the party there would have been no reason to mention it. It was insensitive of them to keep talking about the party you weren't included in though.

crazycatlady5 · 14/03/2019 20:28

It’s really hard to understand without more context. Is Doreen good friends with Jo but you’re not very close to Jo? As it’s oerfectly reasonable for Jo to invite Doreen if she isn’t that close to you.

My friends have other close friends besides me and I wouldn’t always expect to be invited to things. But then if you’re all a group and have all known each other for a long time, in a shared capacity then it’s odd yes.

Chloemol · 14/03/2019 20:30

You are being petty. They can have other friends. Bit tactless of them to discuss it so much but they are friends with Jo and you have never met here. I am sure you have done things with just some people and not the whole group. Now you know Jo you may be invited in the future

jiggsymalone · 14/03/2019 20:31

I may be missing something but I cant really see what Doreen has done wrong here?
I understand you feeling left out
about the party but given that you're not close to Jo I think it's just one of those things and not something to take psrsonally. I do think it was a bit rude of them to spend so much time talking about though.

JessicaWakefieldSVH · 14/03/2019 20:31

I know it can be hurtful, of course it is, but as I’ve got older I’ve tried to just let stuff like this roll off me. If people don’t want to hang out, I genuinely think it’s their loss Grin but seriously, it’s just part of life. If it keeps happening and you drift apart, that’s ok because other people will come along to take her place. I do think it was rather mean to talk about something they’d all been to and you hadn’t, but perhaps just try and rise above it. It’s a reflection on them not you. You’re not worthless just because you missed one event.

Littleraindrop15 · 14/03/2019 20:31

Firstly the party was Jo's not doreens so she kind of can't invite you to someone else's birthday party yabu..

Secondly you say your self your not so close to jo and don't keep in contact with her that much..

I think you are taking this way to seriously..

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2019 20:32

It was Jo’s party and she didn’t invite you, why are you annoyed with Doreen? You’re not really friends with Jo.

Fairyliz · 14/03/2019 20:34

It does hurt when you feel that you have been left out, but from your post I don’t get the impression that you are particularly close to Jo? Isn’t it Doreen who is the friend you have in common?

If so it probably means that Jo can only invite a certain amount of people it just happens that you know a lot of them. Try not to think about it, it doesn’t sound like a deliberate snub.

Snog · 14/03/2019 20:36

Try not to overthink or dwell on this, it's a non issue unless you make it one.someone who is not a close friend had a party and didn't invite you, shouldn't be a big deal so maybe this is bringing up childhood memories if it is bothering you so much?

FairyMoppings · 14/03/2019 20:38

Im a bit confused

Are you, Jo and Doreen really close friends? But you weren't invited to Jo's party, but Doreen was and even your other friends who aren't as close to Jo as you? But you're pissed off with Doreen for not telling you about the party that Jo failed to invite you to? Even though it wasnt Doreens party?

Dieu · 14/03/2019 20:50

YABU

Original poster
Oakhead · 14/03/2019 21:40

Ok, seems I'm being too sensitive. But I think I have not really explained very well what upset me. It absolutely wasn't about the invite, as Jo is not a particularly good friend. It was the way Doreen had managed to not mention the party at all near the time (I wouldn't have cared!) but it was brought up later showing she'd been quite secretive previously. Loads of people I knew had gone to the party and it was weird that I'd not even heard about it. Just v awkward when we were out and I felt Doreen could have done more to help the situation. Not the worst sin, but not nice either.
I'll move on....

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 15/03/2019 07:26

But remember it was near Christmas period it's generally a busy time of the year.. Regardless she doesn't need to inform you about everything, your other friends didn't mention it to you because there is no need you can't take it out on doreen because you were not invited that's not fair.

I think you are being very unreasonable, if she didn't like you or wanted to purposely not make you part of the group she would not of invited you out this time round and now organise another outing with partners the fact that she's going out of her way to organise when you don't usually keep in touch very well with others as it is.. Is very mean

If I was doreen I would be really upset with how you are behaving as that's very controlling

MargotLovedTom1 · 15/03/2019 07:31

Well Doreen was probably trying to be tactful by not mentioning the party if she knew (or wasn't sure if) you hadn't been invited. Do you think Doreen should have tried to wangle an invitation for you?

I agree they were rude talking about it when you were sitting there like a lemon though.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 15/03/2019 07:35

How old are you op?

ScreamingValenta · 15/03/2019 07:37

I agree with Margot - I think Doreen was being tactful.

It does come across that Doreen would be damned if she did, damned if she didn't - you're unhappy that Doreen didn't mention the party, then the rest of your post is about being unhappy because others mentioned it too much!

As others have said, it was rude of them to go on about it when you hadn't been invited - might they (apart from Jo and Doreen) have forgotten you weren't there?

Farmerswifey12 · 15/03/2019 07:42

I think maybe Doreen knew you would be feeling left out so has chosen not to mention it as it also wasn't her party so she couldn't control who was there?

OliviaBenson · 15/03/2019 07:44

I get it op. I don't think Doreen has done anything particularly wrong but i can fully understand that it hurts that it was purposefully kept from you.

SenoritaViva · 15/03/2019 07:52

I think you need to get over it really I’m afraid. I think Doreen was trying to be tactful too.
All this people falling out etc seems like everyone is a bit sensitive, but maybe I’m just getting old!

Fishwifecalling · 15/03/2019 07:55

Doreen was in an awkward position and probably didn't want to upset you.
I'd just carry on as normal if I were you.

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