Posting for traffic. 12 yo Ds. Hormonal? Please tell me I’m not alone.

[SweetMarmalade]

Ds, 12 years old and in Y7 at school.

He’s not being bullied at school, although there is the usual pushing in the corridors, occasional friend fall out.

He often tries to convince me he’s not feeling well in the mornings. This can escalate to him crying, if I tell him he’s well enough to go. It can be stressful as I have to make a split second decision if he’s genuinely ill or not. He’s had at least 6 days off since Sep ‘18.

He does suffer from asthma and this can affect him. Sometimes he tells me he asked if he could go out of lessons as it was just too noisy for him. Tells me he had a headache and found the classroom environment too much. This happened today and he was told he could sit next door in an empty room!

A few times he’s told me that he felt bad during lessons and went to pastoral care. I think he actually quite likes it there and this is where my problem (sort of) lies.

I love that the school has a great pastoral care team but I’m worried that Ds actually loves it so much he prefers to spend his time there. Not sure.

Had another call from school today. Won’t go into detail as it could be outing but the bottom line is School have suggested Ds sees the school councillor. Not immediately as there is a waiting list!

Ds, if upset can get even more upset thinking about loved ones who have passed away. This can often happen at school. So, for example if he’s become upset about something quite small at school, he becomes upset and this escalates and he tells me he thinks about the people in our lives who have passed away (we had three close friends die in 2017) and he becomes even more upset.

I don’t know if I’ve explained this very well. I’m stressed about this tbh. Ds also often tells me when he’s walking home people are staring at him from their cars!

I just wanted to know if fellow mnetters with 12 yo or past 12 olds had these hurdles and if so, tell me about the positive outcomes.

Got to go out now but will be back soon.

Sounds like how I felt in school when I suffered from anxiety. Maybe try and open up that conversation

I don't have a 12 year old ds. But most of what you're saying sounds like anxiety imo. My dd is quite like this and is quite empathetic which can be tricky. She finds people difficult and will often choose to play with younger children. She's in primary so it's an option for her.
We've started counselling. In the main this was because of my concerns about how she'll cope at secondary. She doesn't enjoy school, although works hard and does quite well. She just doesn't really want to be there.

Do you think it’s anxiety related then?

I suppose it manifests itself in different ways.

Littleblue, I hope councelling is helping your DD.

Lolwhat, I hope you got the help you needed at school.

The anxiety could be coming from the change in place, new teachers, constant movement from class to class, a feeling of being overwhelmed by the noise etc etc. All completely normal in secondary but some people are more sensitive to these things.
When he goes to see the pastoral team he's getting a break from the things which are overwhelming and adults are usually much better at speaking rationally and giving a calming environment. So he probably is enjoying that.
Have you asked him how he feels about things? One of the things I'm working on with my dd is getting her to explain things which have happened in the day and trying to explain the emotions to her - extending her emotional vocabulary so she can better understand it all.
When she says she feels I'll or whatever, I just give her the next steps for getting ready and ask her to see how she gets on. Often she is distracted by the routine and that seems to calm her anxieties so she's able to go in.
I have high anxiety levels but I'm able to keep them under control because I am aware of triggers, and how to manage them. I'm hoping to be able to get her to the same stage. :)
It's so hard to be a parent sometimes!

Littlebluebird, the problem I have when Ds tells me he doesn’t feel well is he is so adamant he’s not, tells me he’ll be stuck at school all day feeling ill, tells me he’s not going, tells me I don’t care about him, cries, tells me he can’t go in. The times I’ve caved in and come 11am he’s perfectly fine! He has actually gone in after I’ve told him if he’s genuinely ill he will need a day in bed, no screen time, no iPad, Xbox etc etc!

I’m sorry you have high anxiety levels. It’s good you’re managing them and can keep them under control. This is quite new to me, although I’ve had periods of anxiety, it’s not affected me at school or at work.

And yes, it is so hard being a parent. The never ending guilt!

If a mum posted here complaining about working in an open plan office with an hormone profile of mother of all PMSs, she'd get nothing but sympathy.

It sounds very much like an introvert struggling to cope in a system designed for extroverts, draining him completely.

I would advise a CBT counsellor to trading him in coping strategies. Unfortunately, unless you can afford private school with smaller classes, giving in to absences will prove a shot in the foot in the long term.

DrVon, I never thought of Ds as an introvert but it’s given me something to think about.

He’s quick to make friends, seems outgoing, very chatty, stands up in class to talk if needs be but maybe this isn’t who he is because of the side I see before school?

He doesn’t have a close set of friends. He has friends but he tends to float between different groups.

SweetMarmalade
I am able to speak to people freely, come across as very confident and chatty etc. But it's exhausting.
I would say that many people who only see one side of me would see me as quite extroverted but actually I'm a loud introvert. :)
He may not even be really aware what it is that's causing it or that he is finding it overwhelming.
But for me, recognising what was going on helped me to be able to move past it.

Littlebluebird, thank you for sharing your experience with me. It really has given me something to think about.

I never thought that this could be the issue. It makes sense. He could be exhausted trying to be the person he isn’t.

I can’t fault his school. They’ve been great.

Hopefully we can work together to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

Thanks again

You're welcome.
Hope it all works out well. :)