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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want her to come over?!?

14 replies

Sausage666 · 14/03/2019 17:40

I have a childhood friend who has moved away to Canada and build a life there. We used to be close but I have gone off her circa 12 years ago when it became clear she was very competitive. I don't want to go into too much detail but for the longest time I felt almost as if her life's purpose became to one-up people around her.

She seems very keen on keeping in touch and initiates 90% of our online chats - though she disappears and resurfaces, depending on how things are going for her, mostly to brag.
I have some sentiment towards her due to our shared childhood experiences but to be honest, I would not be too upset if she never spoke to me again.

Now, a few months ago she started talking about coming over to visit us this autumn. I was pretty clear that it would not work for my family. We have a small house, and just would not be able to accommodate her and her entire family of five. I told her to come in a year or two as we are buying a bigger property then (collecting for deposit now.)

Yet, every time she talks to me she mentions how lovely it will be to see us this autumn, asking me about the closest airport, how her kids can't wait to meet mine etc. I just don't say anything to this and change the subject each time, but she won't budge!

AIBU to push her away? She knows my address and I start to worry she'll just show up on my doorstep at some point!

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 14/03/2019 17:42

Do her a favour and end the friendship. You sound judgemental and quite frankly a bit nasty, she deserves better than you.

FullOfJellyBeans · 14/03/2019 17:45

I wouldn't brush it aside - you've tried that and it doesn't work. Tell her straight out that it will be nice to meet for lunch while she's over but you definitely won't be able to have her and her family as houseguests and you won't be able to be with her over most of her visit. I would perhaps back off from the friendship in general.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2019 17:46

I think it's time to stop tip-toeing around the subject. Ask her why she has ignored the answer you have her. You told her this doesn't work for you, so why is she still pushing this? Tell her one more time very clearly this visit WILL NOT happen.

If this ends the relationship, so be it. It doesn't seem you'll be too upset.

BlueMerchant · 14/03/2019 17:49

I'd tell her next time she mentions it that you won't be able to accommodate her or her family.

Hadalifeonce · 14/03/2019 17:56

Has she said that she would like to stay with you? If not, perhaps she is just talking about having lunch or going somewhere with the children.
If you really don't want to see her again, then I think you have to make it clear before she puts you on her list for her visit.
Something like 'I know we have a lot of history, but that was such a long time ago; and now I am not so sure we actually have anything in common. I would hate for you to use up your valuable holiday for us all to sit not really knowing what to say to each other. I really do wish you well for the future.'

Sirzy · 14/03/2019 18:00

“where will you be staying?”

Don’t brush things to one side. You need to be direct

Samind · 14/03/2019 18:01

Yeah absolutely about being direct. Or give the name of some reasonable hotels or bnbs so she knows for definite that you won't be putting them up.

Karigan195 · 14/03/2019 18:02

Ask her if she wants you to look for a b&b or holiday cottage. Remind her again politely that your house won’t fit everyone!

bullyingadvice2017 · 14/03/2019 18:03

We have relatives that do this to my old gran... i wish she would ask them where they are staying?!!

Knittedfairies · 14/03/2019 18:08

Ask her if she wants you to look for a b&b or holiday cottage

Much better if she did that herself.

hazell42 · 14/03/2019 18:18

Please don't let this woman come half way round the world with her family to spend Time with you if you are not interested. What will you do, hide until she goes away?
She is invested in the friendship. You're not. It happens.
Tell her as gently as you can you are not in a position to do that.
Or switch off the lights, and the tv and hit the deck every time a car pulls up. Up to you

bringincrazyback · 14/03/2019 19:27

Do her a favour and end the friendship. You sound judgemental and quite frankly a bit nasty, she deserves better than you.

The OP was just being honest in how she feels about the friend. If anyone doesn't sound all that nice, it's the friend, if the bragging's anything to go by! - plus it's staggeringly rude and pushy to invite oneself to stay in someone's home and continue to push when it's been made clear it's not convenient.

OP, I think she's banking on you being too nice to object. Don't go along with it! YANBU.

LordNibbler · 14/03/2019 19:33

Totally agree with bringincrazyback
Some people won't listen to you because they have their own agenda and bank on you being too nice to say no.

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2019 19:35

Well she clearly doesn't know you don't like her. Are you sure she is suggesting they all stay at your home, and not at a nearby hotel?

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