To ask what you remember wishing from your mum emotionally as a 10 year old girl

[NormalMacRage]

....firstly if you WERE ever a 10 girl...

(Posting in AIBU for traffic but also name changed, not to stop me being outed this time, but because on my previous username I changed identifiable details to stop myself being out-ted then, namely referring to my daughter as my son, because parts of my situation were easily identifiable. But I realise the fact that she is a girl will make the advice about her sensibilities different…)

So I'm having real problems with my relationship with her, and I'm finding that hard, not least because I always felt that I have a very good memory of my own childhood, and what I wished I had had from my own mum from an emotional POV. That being, in brief, a bit more love than I felt I got at times, a bit more being noticed even though there was a much younger sibling in the house, more willingness on my mum's part to ask me how I was feeling. It seems like my daughter is so very different from how I was. I try to do things based on what I wanted as a child: a lot of attention, lots of hugs, trying to engage in conversations with her, especially to try and show her that I want to listen to how she feels. Yet my daughter seems to get very annoyed when I try to talk to her about how she feels about things and absolutely baulks at any physical contact (this is a recent thing, in the last few months)

Can I ask: what do you remember from when you were 10 or so, that you wished your mum had done from an emotional POV - talked to you more/less? Been more/less physically affectionate? Given you more/less parenting boundaries?

It's irrelevant what your wanted from your DM at age 10, and what your DD wants from you. I think from what you've said, its clear too!

I think you have to really step back and look at your DD, through her eyes, rather than those of you as a 10 yo.

It doesn't matter that it's done with the best of intentions, just set boundaries for her and show interest but do not stifle.

She is not wanting all the close contact and chats from what you say, so look for other ways of being together. Activities and entertainments that you can share, and showing her how proud you are of her independence, showing her you trust her to make good choices.

Growing psychologically is to psychologically separate from.DPs.

Someone to be there if needed.

I ask: what do you remember from when you were 10 or so, that you wished your mum had done from an emotional POV - talked to you more/less? Been more/less physically affectionate? Given you more/less parenting boundaries?

If I'm honest, if she'd given more affection I'd probably have wanted less. If she'd given less I'd probably have wanted more.

Same with all the rest.

I think that sometimes, at some stage, lots of children go through a stage where whatever you do is wrong or embarrassing or annoying or all of the above.

I think with my dsd she had a similar stage. To find out how she felt about things, and to get her to open up, I would talk about situations in general and she'd give her point of view and we'd get a general idea. So if I thought something was stressing her in her friendship group, I'd just somehow slide in a conversation about friendships and groups and different social situations and sometimes she would just say "yes something similar is happening to me" and explain, or sometimes she would just hypothetically speak of what her "friend" might be feeling. Then we'd work out different scenarios together and different ways to work through them.

I have also seen recommended on here a lot to go for a drive together if you drive. That way you aren't face to face and can just speak more casualy and it's less intense than you looking directly at them. I think this can work to.

I also did similar with dsd but usually when we were cooking so both absorbed in chopping or peeling or whatever sometimes even with our backs to each other.

I don't think it helps to impose your own "10 year old wants " on your own 10 year old. You are two very different people. I'd regroup, and start giving her what is appropriate for her. If she isn't a physical person, lots of hugs is going to be unpleasant for her . Same with lots of chats - if she doesn't want them, it won't help for you to push them onto her.

I'd back off and give her what she needs , not what you'd have needed. Show your love in other ways besides hugging / engaging in chats . I'm a lot like your daughter and I'd feel stifled if someone was so physical / chatty / wanting to know how I was all the time. Give her some space , just do things with her , play some funny games, do some cooking , going for walks, having a laugh together.

@Nuvanewname

If I'm honest, if she'd given more affection I'd probably have wanted less. If she'd given less I'd probably have wanted more.
Same with all the rest.

I think that is probably the best bit of advice I could have got. That is spot on how I think it is.

I've heard that about a drive, or anything similar where you're not Face to face....looking for opportunities to do that...

@birdie6

You're absolutely right...I just don't have anything but my own feelings to go on. Hence I thought I'd ask to see what other people who weren't me felt. I think your advice about non-physical ways is really helpful - thank you.

@smotheroffive thank you, yes....I agree about showing her that I'm proud of her independence. "Growing is to separate from DPs" is spot on....I never imagined it would be so hard. But if I only knew how to do it right, I would do it....I just don't know what I'm doing wrong :-(

What are you doing wrong? I mean why do you say that?

Listen out for things shed be interested in to share enjoying together. Maybe she needs a bit more space. Get busy with your own thing and she ishef she responds better that way?

I have three daughters - 13,11 and 8. My 11 year old is a completely different child to my other two. The other two would sit on top of you and chat all day about everything. There's not a thought that goes through my 13 year olds head that I don't hear first. Yes, I know it's fab she can and wants to talk to me about anything but tbh it can be a bit irritating .

My 11 year old loves her own space, she likes to keep her own counsel, wouldn't be anywhere near as affectionate, isn't one for physical contact. She doesn't love me any less than the other two.

She loves going to the pictures so we do that, we play her music in the car, listen to the radio, she loves music. We watch a bit of tv together when the younger one is in bed. Her idea of hell is talking something to death.
Her personality isn't something I need to fix or find ways to improve. It doesn't matter what I wanted when I was 10/11, it's not about me. In saying that if she's rude or dismissive, she'll get told off exactly like the others.