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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to come home early?

53 replies

WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 16:20

DH has a busy job, usually comes home between 7-7:30pm. He is a manager within a public sector and can work flexi hours or from home, however finds it difficult because he is often having to supervise or fix things that have gone wrong in the office .

I’m nearly 39 weeks pregnant and feeling lousy. Not in labour, just feel rubbish. No energy, Braxton hicks really uncomfortable and I’ve had 2 year old DS home with me all day.

AIBU to ask him to come home for toddlers tea time to help me out? I feel bad asking as obviously when I’m in labour he will need to come home but I’ve just had enough tonight and don’t think I have another 3 hours of toddlertainment in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 17:18

@DeaflySilence in the half hour he is home in the evening while DS is up he does do bath and bed. But he then tends to relax all evening while I work and so the housework gets left for me to do on my 2 days off, while entertaining toddler at the same time.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/03/2019 17:21

It's been a longtime since I was pregnant but I vividly remember those last couple of weeks, I felt useless and uncomfortable and an emotional mess.....so no you're not being unreasonable at all

howabout · 13/03/2019 17:23

If he isn't there or is half way out the door his boss will quickly get used to waiting till morning for whatever the last minute query was - sounds more like maxi than flexi-time.

My first boss, in the City financial services sector, taught me a very valuable lesson - if you don't value your time neither will your clients, your subordinates or your boss.

If you don't start making perfectly reasonable requests for more input at teatime / bedtime you will be managing baby plus toddler single handedly for the foreseeable and he will miss out on seeing his babies grow.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 13/03/2019 17:24

Hits time you told him his job is only as it is because you are taking all the hits.

caughtinanet · 13/03/2019 17:24

If I understand you correctly he has 1,5 hours every day to have his breakfast and get ready? That's taking the piss when you are near to giving birth, he could easily be home an hour earlier if his job is flexible. I bet there's nothing that will suffer if it's done at 8.30am rather than 6.30pm the day before.

thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 17:25

Some of the posters are ridiculous.

Haven't you ever work with a boss who expect you to either start early like them, or stay late like them? It makes no difference what time you arrive, you still need to show your face later.

Of course YANBU to ask him, at worst he will tell you it's not possible tonight.

YANBU to ask him to change his hours when the baby is here either - he can talk with his boss and stress the point that's it's temporary.

On another note He is full of beans and used to mummy playing with him so isn’t too keen on sitting still!
You really need to stop let your child play independently and being used not to have his mum with him all the time. Otherwise it will be a massive shock when you tell him you are feeding the baby, or taking care of him, and that's when kids get very resentful of a new arrival.

DeaflySilence · 13/03/2019 17:28

"However DH is the bigger earner and so his job takes priority."

I can't even bring myself to answer that. ^

"But he then tends to relax all evening while I work and so the housework gets left for me to do on my 2 days off, while entertaining toddler at the same time."

Nor that. ^

So you work 9.5 hours (minus breaks) in an earning capacity, and your husband works 9.5 hours (minus breaks) in an earning capacity ... yet you do the lions share of the childcare and almost all of the housework.

I have seen husbands being dumped on here for less. Everything outwith your paid work should be split between you.

howabout · 13/03/2019 17:29

disorganised most bosses do this thoughtlessly and really will adapt if the work is getting done - as will clients. No-one respects a martyr.

Original poster
WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 17:31

@DeaflySilence he is full time though whereas I only do 3 days. I am also term time only so although I do have work to do in the school holidays it’s not like having to actually go to work. I do have DS with me full time in the holidays though as his childminder doesn’t work.

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thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 17:31

howabout
it's not about being a martyr. They don't need to adapt, they promote someone else. I have seen it so many times, and heard the complaints about people feeling "discriminated" because they didn't stay late...

Original poster
WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 17:35

I understand he wants to climb the career ladder and so staying late is needed, would just be nice if a few days a week he could come home at a reasonable time. I took a demotion to have children because I was working similar hours and it wasn’t going to be feasible. I don’t resent doing this at all as I would much rather be home with DS and am glad I only have to work 3 days. But a little more help would be nice!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/03/2019 17:39

He claims he would just end up working a longer day though as he still wouldn’t be able to walk away when things are happening.

That's true for me, at least. Senior management don't start until later, our busy period is a bit later; so if I go early (which I sometimes do, to get things done!) I end up staying late anyway.

It won't be great when we have kids. DP will either need to cover that bit or I'll need to change jobs, depending - to get shorter hours, I'd need less responsibility and therefore there would be a salary drop, so we'd need to consider it all. I'd probably also lose some of the working from home flexibility and things, although that doesn't help when it's people issues in the evening!

PixiKitKat · 13/03/2019 17:40

If he has 1.5 hours on a morning does he do any housework then? Could he clear all breakfast stuff? Run the hoover round? Do some laundry?? If he doesn't do housework in the evening he should make an effort to do something on a morning.

HollowTalk · 13/03/2019 17:52

Couldn't he take your DC to childcare before he went to work, so that he spent some time with them first thing?

Original poster
WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 17:52

@PixiKitKat yes this is something I could try and encourage more.

I’ve also considered asking him to do the drop off for DS at the childminders on the 2 days he is still going while I’m on maternity leave. He won’t be keen as it would mean him leaving here at 7am and doing an hour round trip in the wrong direction before work, but it would save me having to take him once I’ve got toddler and baby organised.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 17:53

@HollowTalk cross post. DS childcare is near my work, half an hour away in the opposite direction to DH work so when I’m working it makes sense for me to take him. However while I’m off on maternity leave I could ask if he will do it.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 13/03/2019 17:58

I really feel sorry for the posters on here who are so blighted by the their own experiences with unsupportive men that they assume all husbands are lazy, ignorant, abusive, gaslighting or just downright not pulling their weight!

OP sounds like you have a basic 'good egg'. Keep doing what works for your family amd gently remind him you need a little more hands on support right now and could he try to work earlier and finish earlier for the rest of your pregnancy.

CostanzaG · 13/03/2019 18:05

Just because he earns more doesn't necessarily mean his job should always take priority. That might be something you want to think about when you return to work.
If his job is always seen as the priority it will always he your job and your career that suffers. He works in a job that has flexitime because his employers understand that you can be an effective employee and have other commitments. He needs to think that way too.

My DH earns twice what I do but he makes the most of his senior position and flexibility to ensure he works a pattern which accommodates DS and the fact I work. I do the same. We split nursery drop offs and pick ups pretty equally and sick days ect are decided on the day and dependent on work commitments. We're both still excellent, productive employees.

Bookworm4 · 13/03/2019 18:05

What's the point of flexi time when he never uses it? Instead of faffing about in the morning, he could go in an hour early and be home an hour early plus he should be doing a fair share of housework instead of a few hours relaxing every evening!

SummerHouse · 13/03/2019 18:09

OP you are basically a superhero. That's a lot you are doing.
I work in public sector and so does partner.
He also leaves pretty late and stays late.
Here is my observation. You get no thanks and no further for staying late. I once worked every day of a week's leave with my justification being it's so I don't have to stress about the work I haven't done. Would I do that now I have children? No way!
My DP also worked during paternity leave on a professional qualification.
It was annoying.
But I think you have to find your best fit.
Absolutely talk through him coming home earlier. Go for the solutions that are the least stressful. Could he put in a couple of hours at home?
Anyway Flowers
I am in awe of you.

Isleepinahedgefund · 13/03/2019 18:52

I also work in public sector. What I usually observe is that there are those who tend to start earlier and those who start later, and that's just making use of the flexitime system. If you start early, you leave early, start late, you leave late, it's that simple! If you start early and leave early you're probably fiddling the system of course...

I also find that the office crises are usually an illusion too. Doesn't mean he doesn't think they're real and important though, and it will be a big adjustment for him to leave and not worry about it, and may be a bit devastating for him to find that office life just goes on without him there.

Be gentle with him. Small changes one at a time!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/03/2019 19:18

His life will definitely need to change when the new baby arrives.

And all the evidence shows that fathers are not penalised by working around family responsibilities, in fact they are rewarded for it as their status as a "good dad" earns them kudos.

It sounds like he has a nice relaxing hour at home by himself in the morning and misses toddler intense time in the evening.

user1471426142 · 13/03/2019 19:22

You probably do need a bit more balance with him leaving earlier or doing pick up 1-2 days a week. Also the childminder being far away is a bit of a faff. Is there nothing closer to you at home?

Original poster
WhenZogateSuperworm · 13/03/2019 19:25

@user1471426142 sadly not. We live rurally and so the choice was either someone near DH work or near mine as we both work in towns 30 minutes in opposite directions from home. We chose nearer my work because my parents also work in the same town and so in an emergency they can help pick up too. It’s a faff now I’m
on maternity so I’ve dropped him down to 2 days rather than 3 but I need to keep him there to hold his space and make sure there is also space for new baby too.

OP posts:
Sosad2004 · 13/03/2019 19:37

Hmmmm I know someone (a man) who used to deliberately make himself very busy from 4.30pm onwards, after faffing and internet surfing all day. He freely admitted it was so he didn’t have to get involved in tea times / bedtime. I used to feel so sorry for his wife.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for you to ask this at this stage in your pregnancy.