AIBU to think my mind is blocking memories of being abused?

[SugarfreeMe]

AIBU to think I've blocked out memories of abuse, or am I thinking there is more to it than there is?

My Mum was always a very friendly & incredibly naive woman, in our village there was an elderly man ex solider who walked with a limp he looked/smelled like a vagrant & she befriended him.

My primary school was about a mile from home & from 8 or 9 I used to walk on my own, A group of boys from school had taken to bullying me, as we had moved from another area and I had a weird accent, so I used to hide waiting for the bullies to give up and go home.
I guess for me at least it started pretty innocently. I remember seeing him walking down the road and I guess I saw a ‘safe’ adult and walked with him to prevent being bullied, this turned into what I think was most days he would be waiting outside school and walk me home & sometimes he would have one or 2 other men with him & they would buy me sweets.
My Mum knew I thought it was safe!
The memory I have is one day skipping along and my school skirt came up, he commented on my knickers and asked me to show him them again! I remember being unhappy/uncomfortable. I didn’t tell my parents about it.
Now as an adult I have had ‘memories’ of his house - which was next to the park! It was dark and you went in via the back /side door and there was a broken window. All the local children were scared of the house, if the ball went over etc. no one would want to go. I definitely didn’t go there with my Mum so shouldn’t know what it looked like inside.

About the same time the walking me home was going on I started getting severe vaginal infections, that the doctors couldn’t get to the bottom of, I was put under general anaesthetic for them to do investigations as to the source, however as far as I’m aware no cause was found.

Again around the same time I became really aware of my body, & if I was normal- it may just have been a normal stage of development but it seems odd that it would stand out in my mind.
Oddly enough my infections stopped when I moved up to senior school & no longer had contact with this man.

It’s been really playing on my mind recently, I think because I have a daughter who’s that age now. I also remember his name which is incredibly odd in itself as I don’t remember friends names from back then!

I have no memory of being abused or being taken to his home other than him asking to see my knickers & I don’t really want to open that up if my mind is protecting me but it does concern me that I may have suffered this and not told anyone or even that I may be jumping to conclusions. He definitely won’t be alive now so the concern of protecting others isn’t there.

What do you think?

Have you thought about getting your medical records from the time to see if there's anymore detail?

I think it’s incredibly difficult as we know false memories can occur but we also know trauma can be repressed. I suspect there are many shades of grey though. I have serious concerns about people who remember serious abuse when under hypnosis or in therapy, the latter less so. I’ve heard of many therapists and counsellors who inadvertently plant false memories, so it’s not about an unscrupulous counsellor but perhaps one who is not skilled and experienced enough in complex trauma.

OP, you obviously have some pain around this. Perhaps it would help to explore that pain and focus on the facts to begin with. Being bullied may also be playing into this emotional pain. Take care.

Be very careful here. I'm a neuroscientist, and the idea of repressed memories has been thoroughly debunked.

I am aware of the science. However, personal experience tells me otherwise.

As for the infections, my gp explained to me that hormonal changes in girls (6-10ish) can lead to uti's

I agree. My DD had lots of UTIs when she was a similar age.

Not washing your hands and wiping after a wee with dirty hands doesn't help either.

I agree that surely there would have been physical medical evidence at the time if you were investigated that closely. It is possible he was just a lonely old man. I would be very careful with hypnotherapy, the brain and imagination can be a scary thing.

There would be not necessarily be physical evidence.

Look, I don't understand why people are trying to convince you it couldn't be true because it could. Whether or not it did, no one here can possibly know.

@Princessmushroom, thank you, I'm glad hypnotherapy worked and you are now able to start dealing with what you suffered.
I had thought about hypnosis however I don't like the thought of not being in control.

@Chipbutty67, what an awful thing to happen! Was it an adult that shut you in? I find it fascinating how we protect ourselves subconsciously, your brain had closed off the memory & yet left you with claustrophobia in an attempt to protect you from it happening again.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks, thank you so much for sharing what must have been incredibly traumatic, the abuse you suffered dtbthe hand of your Dad, the man who should have been your protector!
Having read peoples kind responses, it seems more common than I imagined that we protect ourselves from things we have suffered.
Has your dad been held accountable for what he did to you?
My heart breaks thinking of what you suffered at his hands.
I think having an abusive father often leaves us more vulnerable to abuse from others as we try to find the missing love & scumbags like the boys that raped you take full advantage! I totally understand why you didn't go to the police, with no support from home- in fact totally the opposite and the fact you had repressed the memory so there wouldn't have been any physical evidence, getting a conviction would have been incredibly unlikely and they would have put you through hell.
I can't help but honk of that poor girl who was raped in Ireland and they paraded her knickers as evidence that she deserved it for wearing provocative underwear & he was let off!
The system is still not set up to protect victims.
I really hope and pray that you find peace and healing for all that you suffered.

@Halloumimuffin, it must be incredibly hard to know what it truth and fiction, my heart goes out to you.
I haven't pushed the memories as I honestly don't want to remember what happened if I was abused, it's all the bits of memories that make me wonder.
I have seen therapy cause more problems than good, however I have also seen the amazing results it can have, it's always important to be careful with who we allow into our minds.

@ButterflyBitch Thank you for sharing about your Mum, it must have been totally overwhelming to suddenly have all those memories, especially when dealing with the immense learning curve of being a Mother.
I wonder if the powerful protective feelings we have for our children opens the door to the suppressed memories.

@BoobiesToTheRescue sick men (& women) take advantage when your guard is down, I'm sorry that happened to you. How have you coped knowing you were drugged and that something definitely happened but not knowing what?

@PettyContractor you obviously have an amazing imagination, does your alternate London map get you lost?
It is difficult to know if I was ever in his house, everyone was nervous of him & I imagine stories were told that may contribute to the memory of his home.
I think the fact I remember him and where he lived is odd though as I don't remember names of friends and where they lived and we moved home 4 times before I was 16 & 16 times in the past 30years!

@KismetJayn thank you for sharing, you are incredibly brave & living with multiple identities must be incredibly difficult.
I agree with you "remembering isn't necessary for healing and you need to focus on the incorrect lessons you learned far more than the events." I think that the fact I have been very wise with my children, doing my best to teach them they are in control of their bodies and they have the right to say no - at any time. My DD Zin particular will test this out and at times she decides she doesn't want cuddles or kisses either from myself or her Dad or brothers, it never lasts long - maybe 1/2 an hour maximum, but it's important she knows that she has the control.

I'm incredibly grateful for the kind words, the sharing of many of your stories and wisdom, I'm not sure I'm any closer to knowing if it did happen, however focusing on the positives is the best way forward and should I remember more, I will deal with it at that point,

Thank you to all who have taken time to read this respond to me.

Sugarfreeme, thank you for that response. It took until my 30s to be diagnosed with the cPTSD I'd long been suffering from as a result of my father's actions. I always knew he was an utter shit. What I didn't realize what that he was a psychopathic monster, and how far removed from the 'normal' scale he really was.

It's too late to do anything about it now. He's dead.

I was abused when I was 8. It's still pretty vivid in my mind. I don't think it's the kind of memory (if there are any) that would be repressed.

Yes, it is possible to forget something and then remember it after a triggering event. We do this all the time not only about bad events, about all sorts of things. How many times haven't you completely forgotten something from childhood and then vividly recalled it? A toy, a person, a place. Neuroscientist should know better than to suggest we recall every detail about our lives. I think you should find a therapist who can guide you through what might be a traumatic process of remembering.

I'm not a neuroscientist, but I have blocked out certain memories.

Yes it can happen.

@user1497863568
I'm so sorry that you went through that & the awful effect it still has on you. I wonder if your abuser was prosecuted? Did/would that of helped you move on? Have you had counselling?

@willyloman & @gluteustothemaximus
I was surprised that a neuroscientist would so definitively say it doesn't happen as there is so much that we do forget, and I hadn't remembered anything about this man/ these men meeting me from school everyday.

I don't think at this point I'm going to dig further into these memories, If they start to develop then I will.

I truly can't imagine how this man, (who was disabled) walking a mile up a steep hill every day to meet a young girl & often bringing a friend or 2, with him wouldn't have raised concerns!