At the end of my tether with DH - please help

[utterlybutterly8]

DH and I are both in our early 40s, have been married 7 years, own our own flat and have no DC. We also run our own business together, which we set up six months ago (both leaving our full-time jobs to do so) and it's doing reasonably well.

However, over the last year or so our relationship has been seriously deteriorating, partly because DH is just constantly snappy and irritable. An example from this morning:

DH: "Can you answer this question about XYZ?"
Me: [stops the task I was midway through to find the answer he needs]. "Sure, here's the info you need."

Five minutes later:

Me: "DH please can you make X change to this invoice?"
DH: [in an angry tone] "I've got shitloads I need to do today, can you not interrupt me when I'm trying to work? It's really distracting and I've got loads of stuff I need to do."
Me: "But you just interrupted me five minutes ago and I didn't say anything, just helped give you the info you needed!"

DH then storms off and will usually come back and apologise later, only to repeat the exact same behaviour the following day, thereby rendering his apology completely meaningless.

AIBU to be completely fed up with his mood swings and general snappy behaviour? I know the above sounds like a minor incident, but when it's repeated on what seems like a daily basis in some shape or form, it really does start to grind you down.

I've mentioned to him that his moods are really starting to affect me and he accepts that it's not on, but nothing changes long term. It's really affected our sex life - I can count on one hand the times we've had sex in the last two years. I feel like our relationship is in a massive rut and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Di11y I think it will have to be email, as even if I speak I get an eye-roll and a look of annoyance that I'm "interrupting" . I suppose we'll have to spend the working day in total silence, which seems a bit strange to me.

@UrsulaPandress how long have you run your business together and what have been your coping strategies in terms of keeping your relationship alive and basically just staying sane, if you don't mind me asking?

21 years. Although we used to employ someone and I had another part time job. I’m not in the office all the time - I used to be out a lot doing my ‘hobby’. We are quite volatile. Well I am. But we get over stuff pretty quickly and ultimately have faith in each other to do the best we can.

Also I think he is a tiny bit scared of me .

Can't help feeling he'd be a lot less snappy if he were having sex now often.

That doesn't mean you have to step up and put out soonest, btw. It's just an observation, and it holds even if he were the one with the low sex drive.

I'd work on that.

I love my husband but there is absolutely no way I could work with him - he'd drive me mad.

You clearly have different working styles - you can cope with being interrupted and will happily stop and help whereas he clearly struggles with it. Maybe you need to put boundaries in place - if he won't help you, then don't help him. He can't have it both ways - it's not fair.

But are you completely sure you're suited to working together?

I would be a bit like your DH, I hate being interrupted when I'm in the middle of something. I think some people find it easier to stop and start than others. If it were me, I'd be happy with a system, so either a quiet time (no interrupting) between X and Y o'clock, so use email, or even a visual sign, a notice up, when I'm not to be disturbed.

Can you try working with headphones on for a while? That way you won't know if he is interrupting you and it may make it clear to him that you are having to properly disengage from your task to respond to him if you have to remove your headphones. It may be less boring than a silent office too?

I think you should sit down together and set ground rules. It should be an equal professional relationship and that isn't happening at the moment. You need to make that very clear to him.

Could you find somewhere else to work, eg in one of those studios that are popping up everywhere? It would be more expensive but might save your marriage.