To take shortcuts?

[Thatsnotmyprincess]

Prepared to be told I'm being UR if I am!

Myself and DH have two children aged just 3 and 6 months. I'm a sahm (and happy to be so, was my choice) and we're in a good financial position. Not loaded by any means, but perfectly fine. Not showing off, it's relevant. My days, as you can imagine are busy busy busy.

With my first, I stressed out so much trying to do everything perfectly and be supermum and wife. She had health and feeding problems and I suffered with postnatal anxiety to the point i needed counselling. I'm fine now, as is she. But it took me a long time to be confident and happy as a mum, I found it so hard.

Second baby comes along and I decide to have a new attitude - whatever works and makes my day easier this time is what I'll do. So a good example is feeding. Breastfeeding wasn't working (again) and it was making me miserable (again) so I stopped and FF. Bought two PP machines in the sale, one for kitchen and one for bedroom. The one in our bedroom means I can get bottle to baby into at night very quickly before she screams and wakes the toddler. Easy win, only one child awake not two! (Toddler is a great sleeper generally but if she's woken abruptly in the middle of the night she will really kick off and it'll take her ages to get settled again).

Happy days, baby 2 has no health issues and eats well. With baby 1 (who was also FF after BF failure but hated any milk - she had horrible silent reflux) I would stress so much going out, taking one thermos with hot water, one with cooled boiled water and recreating a perfect prep to make up bottles. I hardly left the house her first year because feeding her was such a constant struggle and she was on medication that meant she had to eat well before she could take it or she could get ill. Baby 2, no such messing about, I carry a bottle of ready made. Done. Easy. I get out lots and it's so much better.

I also take other shortcuts these days. So I'll buy pre-prepared mash, frozen chopped onions for example because between cooking for the toddler and baby and then preparing our dinner (we can't all eat together as DH doesn't get home from work until after the children's bedtimes) I just don't have time to fart about peeling spuds and chopping onions. I mean I could, but it's so much easier and saves me time to take the shortcut.

DH works Mon-Fri and is out of the house 7am - 7:30pm. He works very hard in quite a high pressure job and has an hour commute each way. He's also out one evening a week sports training and all of Saturday afternoon playing sport. 99% of the time he comes home from work to a not perfect by any means but a clean and tidy house, dinner cooking and the baby asleep in bed, with the toddler ready for bed waiting for him to read her stories which he likes to do.

I'm doing ok I think. Much better than last time anyway, I'm much happier and much more chilled.

Only thing thats annoying me is DH nitpicking about these shortcuts. He saw a tub of fresh mash in the fridge this morning and had a moan about it. 'It's not hard to make mash, why are we bloody buying it?!'

He always moans about the ready made formula (it IS way more expensive than powder but I only use 3/4 bottles a week when I'm out which costs £2.80). Things like the onions - he just doesn't understand why I'd buy them chopped and frozen rather than doing it myself.

There are lots of other small shortcuts I take to keep my day running smoothly and make sure I can get everything done, whilst actually enjoying my day. It's not causing a huge problem or anything but he just niggles about it when he sees it. Baby is weaning at the moment and I mentioned I was going to get a few Ella's pouches, again for out and about. Cue frown, and a 'Why? Why can't you just make them?'. I do make most of her food, she actually mostly eats finger food anyway but again for convenience when I'm out I want to grab and go.

Am I being a lazy witch with my cheaty options? Or does he (as I've told him) need to get his head out of his backside and let me do what I need to do while he's at work without interference or comment? As I've said it's not like we can't afford these bits, if we were on a strict budget obviously it'd be different.

I should add, he does help around the house at weekends it's not like he sits about and doesn't. But at weekends we have the luxury of time with both of us here, or one has the children while the other can get on with stuff.

Thoughts?

Has he ever spent an entire day alone with both DCs?

You could go out for the day one Sunday, seeing as that appears to be the only day he isn't at work or playing sport and he can stay at home, entertain, feed and clean up after the DCs, and also chop a few onions, make home made mash and batch cook some baby food and see if he still thinks a few short cuts are unreasonable?

I'm a massive fan of the do whatever keeps you going through the day.
I take shortcuts when it's easier because why wouldn't you. Just tell your partner to stop moaning about things that don't effect him.

Mash might be easy to do but it's long and tedious especially when wrangling kids all day as well. Same with chopping veg.

If he doesn't stop moaning he needs to spend a day doing everything you do plus the things he expects you to be able to do.

he does help around the house at weekends
He doesn't "help", it's his responsibility too. Not the point of your thread but if he gets Saturday afternoons for a hobby, when do you get time alone away from the kids?

Shortcuts aren't unreasonable, but I imagine the amount of plastic you're using in buying ready-prepared stuff and pouches is pretty high. If your DH gave up his Saturday hobby afternoons he could spend that time batch cooking and batch preparing ingredients.

But ultimately the fact you're happy and more chilled this time around is reason enough to keep on as you are! Tell him that.

No, he's never spent a whole day with them. An afternoon is the most he's done with both (not because he won't, he would happily, but because I didn't want to leave the baby for more than that when she was small) and he ended up packing them all up in the car and taking them to his mums because 'they needed to get out and about'. Bollocks, he needed an extra pair of hands more like!

I did tell him this. I've said before that he could never manage to do what I do, and he agrees. He said before we had kids that he'd happily be a sahd (was never actually on the cards, he always earned more and I wouldn't have left my babies) but once they arrived he fully admitted that he couldn't do it. He says that it's my job now, and that I chose it. I did, and actually it is my job I agree but then I also think that means I'll do it however the hell I like!

I agree that I do use more plastic than I'd like. I also use baby wipes and antibac wipes (though never down the loo!).

However we recycle everything that we can - another job on my never ending list - we're lucky our area has good facilities. The only stuff we send to landfill is nappies and the odd bit of plastic (black mainly) that can't go in the recycle bin. Glass, food, garden waste, everything else is recycled. Old clothes go to charity or are sold. We use shampoo bars and bar soap although the kids both have eczema so they have Child's Farm stuff in plastic bottles.

I've also bought some Chilly's bottles so we don't buy bottled water or bottles anymore. I don't give things like fruit shoots to my toddler anyway, she only has water or milk so we don't have any of that sort of thing. So I've cut down where I can. Anyway DHs issue isn't our plastic consumption although we both do try to limit it.

Ignore him. Do whatever gets you through the day. As a pp suggested, go out on a Sunday and leave him to do it his way for the day.

I don't even have kids and I buy frozen, chopped onions.

I don't even think it's cheating or taking shortcuts. Does he regard buying a ready made pizza as being a shortcut instead of making one?

When dts were young I bought frozen chopped everything. We could afford, why not?!

You also have second child syndrome not pfb so make life easier!

I’m all for shortcuts whatever makes your life easier. If your DH doesn’t like it he can do it himself.

Definitely easier with second child not pfb. She fits in because she has to. Plus you don't have that huge life adjustment second time around.

Although pfb was an exceptionally high needs baby bless her. Not her fault, she had a tricky start but her first year was a bit of a baptism of fire into parenting, for both of us! She's a dream of a toddler luckily, apart from the odd tantrum here and there and a bit of fussy eating -all normal toddler stuff- she really is pretty good.

At least it couldn't have been any harder second time around! Well it could've I suppose I'm lucky that pfbs health issues were not very serious just made life difficult and awkward and I do know lots of people have it harder than I did/do.

I guess my attitude now it that with two very small children, right now, we're in the trenches so I'll do whatever makes life easier. DH sees it more that I'm home all day so should be able to do things 'properly'.

I have an evening or two a week for personal training sessions (desperate to get some of this baby/biscuit flab off!) and the gym but the children are in bed then so DH just has an evening to himself then. Sunday's are really our days where we do family stuff.

But yes I could disappear for the day.... just need to speak to MIL first and make sure she knows to say she's busy if he rings and wants to go round. She would if I asked her to, she's quite good like that. I remember a time when DH asked me in front of her why I don't start an itemised most of everything in our freezer (like she does) so we can tick things off and know what we need to buy the following week. He thought it was a marvellous idea! She quite sharply pointed out that she and FIL are retired and have time to do this stuff, and that she would never have been able to do it when he and his sister were small. I think her actual words were 'don't be such a prat!'

Tell him he's welcome to make some mashed potato or pre-made meals you can take out with you to feed the baby.

No? Is it too much work and he has better things to do with his time?

...exactly.

Has DH seen a full day of yours with the 2 children? If not, he may not be aware of how over the top full of action your day truly is and utilizing these shortcuts allows you to get everything done. Explain that is looking for the negative to criticize is not building you up, but hurting you.
Next time him complains about using something that is ready made with why it's so easy to make from scratch - reply, there's the kitchen go ahead. By the way the way, I'm a husband, and I only made that mistake once.

He works from home occasionally, and he has commented that I 'don't stop'. So I think he does know or at least has some idea. Although he hasn't done it himself, spectating is very different to doing and I think perhaps he needs to. If I could leave my girls for that long I'd think about booking a few days away, haha!

But I think I shall tell him 'you interfere, you volunteer!'.

Ps I have time to post on here because toddler is at playgroup (she's just started three mornings a week) and baby is napping. I could be chopping onions I guess, but I'm having a coffee in peace for once!

Can you actually afford it? Its like Costa Coffee - add it up and see the cost over the year. Ready mash is lazy and expensive - TBH I'd just give them jackets instead win-win I mean, I do buy it sometimes, the carrot and swede one, because life really is too short to peel a swede and only DH eats such filthy

What I do, I have largeish tupperware and I spend an hour on Sunday afternoon, chopping onions and peppers, doing a bit of batch cooking, and it more or less sees me through the week.

Perhaps your DH might like to join you a great veggie peel-a-thon !

Your MIL sounds fab :) I'm pg with baby number 2, and I'm on the lookout for all the ways to make life easier. Prechopped onions and premade formula are going on my list for sure. DH fortunately is an excellent cook, and he's already thinking about batch cooking and stocking the freezer for us, but i might get him to batch cook some mash as well! You've insoired me to start setting up shortcuts of our own. And I love 'you interfere, you volunteer', i will definitely be using that!

Yes, we can afford it. I probably buy pre-made mash once a month (only DH eats mash, I hate it as does the toddler). It's £1. Ready made formula, £3 a week. Etc.

I'd estimate my little cheats probably cost us no more than £20- £25 a month. Absolute maximum that's probably overestimating. Considering we're able to save between £500 and £750 a month on only one salary, plus we have no debts other than the mortgage I'd say we can afford that.

@katmarie Batch cooking and freezing single portion meals is a bloody lifesaver when you have a baby. It's my number 1 tip for new mums! I did it with both of mine, made loads of dinners that would mean we only needed to cook potatoes and veg or rice etc to go with them. My freezer was completely full, it was great!

I had a ELCS with my second so I was pretty immobile for a few weeks. DH did everything during that time so it was really handy for him to just be able to whack a couple of portions of curry or whatever in the microwave and boil some rice rather than have to cook from scratch those first weeks.

so DH just has an evening to himself then.

Well then surely he can use that time to pre-chop and freeze some onions or make food for the baby? He could batch cook a freeze something in that time too.

If he wants some homemade mash, then he can make some homemade mash.
If he wants fresh chopped onions or to not spend the extra pence on frozen onions, then he can chop some onions.
If he wants your kids to have homemade purees rather than Ella's when you go out, he can make some.

It's as simple as that.
Sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

He's moaning about you buying ready made mash that only he eats? Simple answer then - don't buy it.

If he wants mash, he can buy, peel, boil, chop and mash potatoes himself.

Stop being super mum. Your DH can cater for himself for a while.

Do you tell him how to do his job? So why does he think he can tell you how to do yours, given that you’ve agreed to take on being the stay at home parent full time so are the expert. I’d not be amused at all and tell him where to go...

He needs to get his head out of his arse. He is very unlikely to appreciate what is involved in looking after 2 children as you are doing it all (that's not a criticism of you).

I would definitely book a day away so he can see what it's like and appreciate how cushy he has got it. It's not easy working full time and commuting granted but I work 3 long days and sort the kiddies and tea after so it is doable.

I'm a fan of whatever makes life easier. I tend to make my shortcuts on cleaning rather than food do DH comes home to a bombsite some nights. He wouldn't dare complain!! He has 2 days and nights solo parenting for the first time soon and he is already bricking it with MIL called in for back up!! You are doing a good job, don't let him take you for granted!!

@Leyani We've has similar discussions over parenting stuff before with me explaining to him an easier way of doing things (because I do it day in day out and he doesn't) for example the toddler went through a stage of only eating her dinner from a certain plate when it was new. It was annoying but I knew it was a stage that'd pass soon enough and I try to pick my battles. Toddlers have almost zero control over their little lives so if picking her plate meant that much to her I let her crack on. It made almost no difference to me.

Sure enough after about a fortnight she'd forgotten about it and didn't care, but over that weekend in between he dished up her dinner on the 'wrong' plate. I saw him and explained that she wouldn't eat off that plate. He just thought it was silly (he still doesn't get that sometimes toddlers are silly not to mention thoroughly unreasonable!) and said I needed to let him parent his way. He was doing dinner and wasn't going to pander to her. Fine, I said.

Result? Toddler refusing to eat - which she almost never does - plate ends up on the floor. Dad getting cross and Mum having to take over and sort out.

I'm all for parenting on our own differing little ways sometimes, I see often Mums not stepping back and letting Dads get on with things when they're perfectly capable and I try hard not to do that. But as you say; it's my job and I am the expert. If it was at work, and they had an expert in an area he'd behave professionally and listen to them.

Generally he's a good DH and Dad, we love him dearly. But he does drive me round the bloody bend sometimes! He is super logical, it's his job I think and ingrained in his personality. Little children have no logic or reasoning! There must be a solution to every problem everything must be 'fixed' or fixable.

I fix my problems by taking shortcuts, evidently! Perhaps I'm just showing good prioritisation and time management skills.....

Oh @Fluffymullet I do cleaning shortcuts too... there not much mess that can't be dealt with using a wet wipe or an antibac wipe

Wasteful apparently, when there's polish and a duster or spray, water and a cloth available.

I get it, I do. Technically he's right it is wasteful. But when I spot dusty skirting boards and the wet wipes are right there it's just so much easier to grab one and wipe rather than have to get the cloth, bowl of water and spray out, find a spare cloth so the toddler can join in (because bless her she must join in wherever possible), ensure she's not got her mitts on the spray , stop her splashing in the dirty bowl of water or 'showing' it to her sister (otherwise known as trying to carry it over and dropping half of it on the floor).... I could go on!

Carry on taking shortcuts, make your life easier and ignore him. Next time he says anything then tell him he's welcome to make it himself