In search of an easy life?

[alliejay81]

DH works away a lot. But he's mainly WFH for the next couple of months. So whereas normally I do the lion's share, we're making a conscious effort to spread the load more evenly.

What I have discovered is: it is just making my life a bit shit.

Today, I unexpectedly had to spend a long day in the office. I came home at 8pm (with a few more hours of work to do) to find the house in chaos and our DS hadn't been fed. I then get yelled at and after DH put DS to bed he disappeared upstairs to bed to watch TV.

Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard, but not really the point).

I realise I'm making him sound like a bit of a p*%#k. I am still fuming!

AIBU to just do everything myself for an easy life? I hate being shouted at. I don't shout back, I either burst into tears (if I'm tired or stressed) or speak very calmly (which I imagine sounds really condescending). Either way, DH storms off. I also hate my DH behaving like this in front of DS.

If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation?

So are you saying that your husband has recently been asked to do his fair share at home and his response is to shout, throw things and sulk?

It's a trap don't fall for it. When he messes up let him deal with the consequences.

Absolutely this!

Thing is the dynamic of your living arrangements has changed. He’s used to working away from home and basically doing nothing because he’s not there to do it. Now he’s there all the time and you, quite rightly, expect him to step up and he’s out of his depth. He absolutely shouldn’t be throwing books but it shows the depth of his frustration.

You’ve agreed to share the workload, maybe you need to have a discussion about the detail of how that’s going to happen. Maybe you cook and he does the bulk of the housework - which is our arrangement only in reverse, mine loves cooking and I’m useless at it!

It is difficult for transition from working away to WFH. I have a DH who would leave on a Sunday morning to travel, work away for 2 weeks (sometimes 3) and get home around lunchtime on the Saturday having flown overnight. He'd work in the local office for 2 weeks (max), having 1 weekend at home (and under pressure to spend that "down home" with family 2.5 hours away ) and, having not really slowed down at all, be back on the merry-go-round of overnight travel again on the Sunday of the 2nd weekend. For 4 looooong years. DD and I literally had a routine for when he was away, and a completely different routine for when he was home. And DH did get used to having laundry and cleaning done for him while away (he still had to either eat out or make relatively easy dinners for himself - slight step up from pot noodle but lots of ready meals as usually only microwave, or a single ring in the better digs).

Find time to sit down with him and ASK what he expects, and how he wants it to work. And acknowledge that it is hard for him, but also let him know that it's hard for you to adjust after he has been away for so long.

Have a list of the different chores that need doing, and roughly how often/how long they take, to help figure it out.

Would the 10 yo be able to cook themselves, or at least get involved in prep work? Teaching DCs to cook is an invaluable lifeskill, regardless of anything else.

Good luck

If your son is 10, why didn't he tell his dad he was hungry? Have you asked him? I'm wondering if he did, but got shouted at, or if he was too afraid to ask.

I hope my DDs don't end up married to your DS if this is the behaviour his father is modelling. A 10 year old boy and an adult husband should be perfectly capable of putting in a day at school / work and keeping the house respectable and making a meal for a working Mum returning home at 8pm.

Do you normally work so late when your DH is away? If not and you are taking the chance to "lean in" while your DH is home then perhaps they both resent this. Did you expect them to wait that late to eat?

If I worked full time I would not be doing all the wifework for the Lord of the manner to return home and treat me like S**t. Struggling to understand why you don't just LTB if you want an easy life.

He is being an absolute fucken wanker ,
You don't deserve to be treated like this.
You also don't deserve to have to do all the work just to not be treated like shit.

You deserve some one who respects you , the amazing person you are and the work you do, and does there share without even being asked