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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell ex he is being unfair to our youngest

16 replies

supermommyof4 · 11/03/2019 14:54

Right let me give you some background.
My dd2 13, has learning disabilities which includes concentration, memory, processing problems, dyslexia, dyspraxia and her levels of understanding are not that of a 13 year old.
Ex dp, has never asked for any information or enquired as to how she is doing and never seems interested.
Shes just started her periods which are erratic, she gets very stressed and has a tendency to shout at people and usually requires time to process stuff and calm down.
Ex dp seems to be completely disregarding her issues..along with the fact she is only 13 and going through puberty.
He is negative towards her, i said she will settle down a bit once through puberty, as ive already done this with dd1 17.
Everything he says about is negative. He wont make an effort to connect on her level, she gets bored very quickily. He shouts at her all the time and has once told her to fuck off. She does tend to hold grudges and unfortunately that is now stuck in her head and she tends to stay in her room when ever he comes round.
She has told me she doesnt like dad and all he does is shout at me, ive tried to tell him he needs to make quality time for her. He cannot just expect her to sit in a room doing nothing, take her out.
She has many good qualities which he fails to take notice off. Aibu in asking him to try to connect with his youngest child and not just show her only him shouting or telling her off.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/03/2019 15:04

He shouts at her all the time and has once told her to fuck off

What utterly rubbish parenting.

She has told me she doesnt like dad and all he does is shout at me

Poor kid. If she doesn't want to see him, don't make her. He sounds horrible.

Omzlas · 11/03/2019 15:07

He sounds like a bully. If she doesn't want to see him, that's her choice and it's on him

Wanker

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/03/2019 15:12

Jut tell hoim he has pissed her off and she is now avoiding having to see him, deal with his lack of tolerance for her.

He is not to try and force the issue, she can decide for herself if/when she wished to see him!

Go further, tell him he can make arrangements to see your older daughter directly, without involving you. Your youngest will let him now if/when she changes her mind!

DonnaDarko · 11/03/2019 15:15

If he wanted to connect with her, he would have done so already.

It doesn't sound like he's adding value to her life. If she doesn't want to see him, please don't make her.

10IAR · 11/03/2019 15:17

He told her to fuck off?

I'd suggest responding in kind but then that wouldn't really help.

But please, don't force her to see him if she doesn't want to. I don't blame her one bit tbh.

Sparkletastic · 11/03/2019 15:21

I'd stop him coming round to your house for a start. It forces contact time on her that she may not want. I think she's old enough to decide whether or not to see her father or not. Perhaps he will learn to make more of an effort if you stop facilitating contact for him? Sympathies btw - my DD2 is 12 with very similar additional needs to yours. She needs to spend a lot of time on her own outside of school as she finds it overwhelming at times

10IAR · 11/03/2019 15:27

I'd also agree about not having him in your/her home. It has to be the place where she can decompress from stresses from the outside world, and be her safe place.

My kids have ASN and I am militant about home being their haven because the outside world is so overwhelming.

Is he abusive towards you too OP?

supermommyof4 · 11/03/2019 16:11

He used to be when we were together. I think what i am going to do. As we have 4 kids together 20, 17, 16 and 13.
20year old has left home.
I am going to hold to a routine and set days to come see the other 2 and i am not going to force anything on dd2. One day in the week in the evening and 1 day weekend..where he can take them out, if dd2 wants to go.
Even my current dp..soon to be husband in june, makes more of an effort and connects with her and takes her out etc.
Its just heartbreaking to see him treat her like that. I had a huge row with him last night over it.

OP posts:
10IAR · 11/03/2019 16:13

I'm glad she has your DP to show her the way her father should treat her. That's great.

It's a horrible situation for you all OP, I'm glad she has you in her corner. I hope it all works out for you all (except him, he's a dick)

supermommyof4 · 11/03/2019 16:21

10IAR he is great with all of them but more so with her. She was 3 when we got together, he also has a lot of understanding for her as he is dyslexic too.
Takes her and his son to a local wrestling show which she loves.
I try to have one to ones with all my kids.
Even if its just a movie night!!
I mean she has so many great qualities shes very maternal and caring especially of the younger children on the estate and our nieces and nephews..highly protective.
Shes creative and has a big imagination.
Loves cinema dates. I dont understand why he cant do something arty with her or take her to watch a movie she will enjoy..to build their relationship, i dont understand why he doesnt want to connect with her or even ask her how school has been etc.

OP posts:
supermommyof4 · 11/03/2019 16:25

Also just for more info. I am not particularly well myself. I have hypothyroidism that isnt under control and fibromyalgia.
But i feel its my job to protect her from harm be it physical or emotional and i am not going to sit there whilst he has a pop at her and let him do it. He really didnt like it that i had said something.

OP posts:
10IAR · 11/03/2019 17:27

For what it's worth OP, you're doing everything you can in the face of severe fuckwittery.

She has a positive male role model who loves her, a Mum who is juggling so much but still has her back and a happy home filled with love.

You're awesome. He's a dick. But she'll be ok, that much I'm sure of because she has you and her stepdad.

(DS1 has ASN and a shit dad and his stepdad has stepped right up)

supermommyof4 · 11/03/2019 21:47

Thank you 10IAR
I actually really needed that. Feeling very low today so thank you.

OP posts:
TwoRoundabouts · 11/03/2019 21:53

Your children are old enough so he can arrange to see your children himself. If they don't want to see him then it's his tough luck for being a shit parent.

Please don't force your children to see him if they don't want to.

10IAR · 12/03/2019 06:39

supermommyof4 Flowers for you.

I know how bloody demoralising it is when the ex just cannot behave like a decent human and blames all his flaws and fuck ups on you. Their inadequacy is their own fault, nobody else's.

But aye, I also know how much it hurts when the child/children bear the brunt of it.

The way you speak about your children it's very clear how loved they are, as individuals and as your children. That is something to be proud of.

supermommyof4 · 19/03/2019 12:57

Update. Well he seems to have taken on board what i said. How long this will last i dont know, took them out ice skating disco friday evening and is taking ds2 cinema weds night as ice skating aint his thing.

OP posts:
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