To think there's not much else I can do to help my friend?

[Justnumberfive]

A good friend of mine is stuck in a pretty awful sitatution. She was in a relationship for many years with a guy who is pretty selfish and self centred. He refused to marry her or formally live together though she effectively did live with him albeit she had her own place she always spent the night at his. A few years ago their romantic relationship effectively ended and he told her to move her stuff out. She has mostly but still stays at his (sleeping in same bed) 3 or more nights a week. He is now involved with another woman who he sees on nights when my friend isn't there.

She continues to stay at his because partly she still has feelings for him, it is difficult to get to work from where she lives (doesnt drive so relies on public transport) and because she cant really afford to heat her own place/ cook dinner.

She is really upset about this woman her Ex is seeing even though technically hes doing nothing wrong. He won't admit anything is going on but as we've gently tried to say he doesn't have to. All her social life is very tied up with him, plus this living situation. She has no money because she is working in a little more than min wage job (where her employers basically exploit her and she has to work in horrible conditions) and housing is really expensive in her area.

She has an opportunity to relocate to another town where she could rent a place through mutual friends for 1/3 of what she pays now. There are jobs, and she could easily earn £20k a year (a fair bit more than she earns currently) plus she would be in walking distance of work so no travel costs - this costs her £160 a month now). But she is really reluctant, her flat now is cheap for the area albeit she can only afford it by doing without heating! And she says it will be a one way move. But clearly given her current situation I think she'd be worse off staying as she is.

Several of our group of friends have said that whilst it has to be her decision her current life is maming her really unhappy and there are loads of positives in the new situatuon. She still says its too hard to decide. Ultimately the friends whose flat it is can't wait forever. If she keeps delaying a decison she will lose the chance. Maybe that's secretly what she wants?

I can't do any more than point out positives can I? I'm despairing of it tbh, her situation is so toxic but if she won't take help I cant see what else can be done?

She continues to stay at his because partly she still has feelings for him, it is difficult to get to work from where she lives (doesnt drive so relies on public transport) and because she cant really afford to heat her own place/ cook dinner.

She has mostly but still stays at his (sleeping in same bed) 3 or more nights a week.

Tell her to get some respect, shes prostituting herself. Thats the bottom line.

OP, you can offer very good advice to people till you're blue in the face. Until they get it 'right' in their own heads, they will never follow it. I think that all the time she still has feelings for this guy, she will believe that by being there he will eventually start reciprocating.
I also think it's not very nice of him to allow her to continue to stay knowing how she feels about him. He ought to ask her to leave for her sake; how does he explain her presence to other women? Weird set up!

Sometimes I just have no words at these posts 🙁
I'm sorry but how pathetic; still going to his house, sleeping with him even though he dumped her 'years ago'. Why is he tolerating it?

Oh gosh, your poor friend. She sounds like she's totally lost sight of her self-respect and sense of self-worth in this relationship, and is willing to accept crumbs from this nasty man's table, rather than striking out on her own. That kind of situation doesn't generally just arise of its own accord - my guess is that he's put a lot of work into reducing her to this point.

All you and your friends can do is to offer emotional support that goes to the heart of the reasons why she feels she can't move. A combination of good cop/bad cop (sensitive 'we know how you feel' vs 'have some self-respect, woman') could work??

I have to say - I rather feel sorry for him.
It's time for your friend to actually move on and give him his house and his life back - presumably part of the reason she is still there is that she's made it very clear to him that if he totally kicks her out she'll be stuck in a house where she can't afford to put the heating on.

I should make it clear there's nothing physical between them and hasn't been for years, thats one of the reasons he ended it with her. They share a bed but that's it (and only because he doesnt have a spare bed). He is very selfish and likes having her around to help with stuff round the house which his new lady isnt interested in.

We've tried good cop bad cop but it seems to just get her even further from maming a decision. She is really unhappy and physically unwell from stress but won't change anything.

So there is nothing physical or emotional yet she goes and shares a bed with him? What is her reasoning behind it outwith finance & travel; which could be remedied. Also what age is she?

There is definitely still something emotional on her side but it doesn't seem reciprocated. Her reasoning is she still wants to spend time there. The travel/ money situation isnt that easily remedied...she would need to get another job.

Agewise, we are all mid 40s.

Why does she 'want' to spend time with someone who clearly has no feelings for her? He's got a GF ffs, is she stupid? It's all too weird and creepy on both sides, for him it's like a stalker living in your house, for her it's wallowing in rejection.

Also he should take the keys off her and not let her in. If I was her friend I'd go and get him told to stop using her.

Feel sorry for him?! He isn’t exactly stopping her from entering his home three days a week and indeed entering his bed is he? I bet he’s absolutely loving this! Essentially has an unpaid escort three days a week when his girlfriend isn’t around except of course she isn’t an escort, she’s his ex and is still in love with him. He sounds like a worthless piece of shit to me.

You can’t really help your friend see sense I’m afraid, she has to see that for herself and I sincerely hope she does soon.

Shes such a pathetic person. She is making a choice to be in this situation. Everything she does is her own choice. I wouldnt tolerate her victim attitude because it's clear she wants to be with this man.

What does his GF think of this weird arrangement? How odd

From what I know its not official with the new woman, i believe she's recently split from her exH and is still sharing a house with him so she probably assumes this arrangement between my friend and Ex is just temporary.

your friend sounds rather pathetic, I'd have one last try at convincing her what she could have and being pretty harsh about the current set up, and then I'd leave her to get on with whatever she desides to do, she's a bit old for this kind of nonsense and really needs to sort her life out

"Feel sorry for him?!"

Yes I do. Not all men are irrepressibly horny players, and OP says nothing physical is happening or has for years.
He officially ended their relationship years ago, and is now seeing a new woman - if you dumped your ex and started seeing someone new but your ex was still coming over and sleeping in your bed because they couldn't afford to heat or cook in or live in their own place, would you not want them to get on with their life so you could get on with yours?

I'm not seeing where hes taken advantage of her, I'm only seeing a grown woman who should have given him his keys back years ago.

Is it more his job than hers to physically kick her out to a flat where she'll freeze and starve? Maybe he's letting this all drag on because he's NOT some heartless git who actually cares about where she would go and how she'll live?

I dont think she's pathetic necessarily, I think she's just been ground down and her confidence eroded by years with a guy who wouldn't commit and in a job where she's really undervalued and badly treated. It's quite hard to fight back against that I think. She has literally no money and hasn't for years which adds to it.

I feel bad being harsh with her tbh!

Sometimes being a good friend to someone means you need to step up and tell it like it is, NOT by tiptoeing around them. If that means being harsh, then so be it (yes, I've had friends who have done this for me when I've needed it).

Her situation is untenable. Her self esteem will continue to wither while she clings onto this man.

She needs to grab this opportunity with both hands.

Yes, you can tell her this. No, you can't force her to decide. But you'll have done all you can. Beyond that it's got to be up to her, as frustrating as it is.

You sound like a good friend, OP.

Thanks although if im honest I feel like if I am a good friend I should have not allowed her to end up in this position. But then years ago I tried to persuade her to get a new job or think about more qualifications (she has gcses but no more) but at that time she was still with her Ex, still hoping they would get married and have kids and said it wasn't worth worrying about a career as she'd give up work when children came along. Which of course never happened.