AIBU!?

[peaky297]

It is my wedding next month and one of my Bridesmaids found out that she was pregnant in October last year (unplanned) and suffered a MC in November (5 months ago). Since then she has really pushed me away and tells me things on a piecemeal basis, mentioning “hospital visits” and “complications” but not elaborating any further on that and always having excuses to pull out when we are due to meet up. I have tried to be understanding and told her not to worry about anything and completely understood when she opted out of my hen last month, just asking her to keep me in the loop. Now that the wedding is so close, I need to finalise my order of service, bouquets etc and so I needed to get a final answer from her after months of not wanting to ask / be insensitive. When I asked her (very gently and politely) if she would be up to it, she said she doesn’t know what is going on so she had best opt out. I told her that I understood and confirmed whether she was coming to the day. She didn’t reply for over a week until this morning when she told me she knows how stressful it is getting the numbers etc just before the wedding, so she had best opt out.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have a MC and I feel whole-heartedly sorry for her, but whilst I am trying my best to work around her, I feel like she is not giving me anything back. It is worth adding that I was her BM in 2017, despite being devastated by the loss of my Father just a couple of months before. I just wish she would be honest and more conscious of just keeping me in the loop so I don’t have to chase her about these things... afterall, it has been 5 months now and I'm not sure what "complications" could still be ongoing and stopping her from attending and she won't open up to me to explain. Am I being unreasonable to feel frustrated by this?

I imagine the complications are to do with fertility and investigations/treatment over it

She has let you know she's not coming in plenty of time so I'd let it go

YANBU to feel frustrated but she has said she needed to opt out of being a BM and she has also said she needed to opt out of coming. That’s very clear, although odd choice of wording.

There’s obviously something going on with her (pascal and/or mental health) and perhaps the best thing is to simply tell her that it’s ok. To let you know if there’s anything you can do but drop discyssing your wedding and her attending. Although I’m very sorry and it’s a traumatic life situation to lose a parent, you were a great friend to continue on for her, but it’s not connected with how your friend is now, how she is coping or her physical or mental health.

I would just reply that you understand and if you need anything you're there for her (if you intend on staying friends with her that is). Then just leave it, it's up to her to make the effort on her terms then. Yes she should definitely text you on the day of your wedding to wish you luck and congratulate you that's just common decency. People are different, I had a miscarriage which was devastating at the time, took months to "get over" and years to conceive again but I copied and got on with my life and now have a 7 month old. My colleague on the other hand every years mourns the death of her miscarried baby on the day it happened, takes it off work to grieve and even has a tattoo in memory and it's been 4 yeats. It affects people in different ways.

You are being totally unreasonable. She has twice told you she had better opt out so that is that and you have no problem sorting anything out. She does not have to confide in you or keep you in the loop. For whatever reasons she does not feel able to be involved in the wedding so if you cant support her just leave her alone. She may have more important things on her mind than you "Big Day" which is just a part really. Your wedding will go on with or without her

Complications could be mental rather than physical.
You're not unreasonable to be frustrated but I think you're frustrated for the wrong reasons. She's given you enough notice so I'd let it go. Let her know that you're still there for her and if she wants to talk to you about things then she can in her own time, but I'd leave the ball in her court.

Fertility issues, maybe something went wrong with miscarriage and can no longer have children. Go see her in person. Talk to her tell her you really want her their even if she sits at the back. Be honest about how you feel and tell her you understand complications but what can you do to help her deal with them.