Advice/support needed

[Exhausted101]

Hi all,

Name changed for this. Also put this in relationships and I received a couple of replies but would like to hear more. I’m extremely anxious and worried. I’ve received a note through the door earlier stating ‘BITCH’ after I posted. My DF thinks I should go to the police. I don’t want to bother them when they have serious crimes to deal with.

Ok, so backstory (sorry it’s long!) I have a DD6 with my ex. I split up with him when our DD was 6 months old due to his drinking and abuse towards me. My mum died due to alcohol abuse and he kept telling me I drove him to drink etc missed out on his first Father’s Day as he was hungover, didn’t want to know DD until she ‘had a personality’???? He used to sit outside my house for hours and just watch this was after I split with him. I called the police and they had a chat with him. I get messages all the time telling me that I’m damaging DD etc.

Has only just started paying for DD as he said he would give me £5 a week and would want receipts for everything I buy. I finally had the strength and courage to go through CMS to get him to pay about 8 months ago. Which he’s missed payments on.

Anyway, DD sees ex 2 days a week for a few hours and every other weekend. DD has come home saying he has said things to her eg “your mum left me so she will probably leave you too and you can live with me” I had her sleep with me for 2 weeks due to this comment alone.

He is like a Disney dad. Buying her love. He gets her to do homework in the pub, keeps her indoors because ‘he’s poorly’. What he does with her in his time is his choice. Made a big deal out of DD panto at school but never shows up.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. DD asked me to tell her dad that she wasn’t feeling very well on one of the weekdays as she didn’t want to go round. Then she said she wants to stop one of the days. I told her she needs to tell him the reasons and he should respect her wishes. She told me she’s scared of his actions (not that he would physically hurt her but tell her off) so I text him explaining what had happened. All hell broke loose.

He accused me of manipulating her and telling her what to do. I’m stopping him from seeing her. I’m a disgusting excuse for a mother. Just general abuse really.

This has been going on for years. I tried to go through the courts about a year ago but couldn’t afford it. I received legal advice and was told not to do mediation as he’s an abuser. I’m just so exhausted. The loooong essay texts I get from him threatening social services. I’ve had to get another phone due to the messages I get from him. Parents evening, DD asked if we can go separately as she doesn’t want him to be there. I told him this and he demanded that we go together. “You will be there at this time on this day. You will regret it if you don’t.” I didn’t go because honestly, he scares me.

It came to a head today as he messaged me saying I’m a liar and DD wants to see him still on the weekday and he will now get ss involved because I’m abusing her emotionally.

I just want my DD to be happy. I hate having her back and see her cry because she hated it round there because of x,y and z.

In my mind he’s seething that I finally had the balls to walk away all those years ago and is punishing me through DD. I haven’t got the strength to keep on doing this. I try my hardest to make sure DD is always happy and yet I get shit for it because she is too scared to tell him the truth about how she feels.

There’s still so much more I could say or give examples of but I just want him to leave me the hell alone. Anyone had any experience of this or any advice on what I should do? I’m so upset. I always encourage DD to have a relationship with her dad but it seems if I try and do right by her I get messages telling me I’m a shit parent etc.

Can I get a restraining order? I just want him to stop messaging me. He tells me I need to tell him what’s going on but when I do I get blamed for it!!

Thanks for reading and if you made it to the end x

Bloody hell.
If this guy has form there must be some legal way of stopping his toxic access.
Your dd clearly is traumatised by this.
I know you said you’re fed up with it all and are losing strength with it all but you absolutely HAVE to fight for your daughter.
Did you say she is 6yo?
The damage has begun
Please don’t let it continue

Write a log. Keep messages and any other communications. If you are to be in his presence record it all. Protect yourself and child at all costs. Seek legal help and if you are scared at all call 111 or if an emergency 999. The more you have against him the better outcome it will be. Let him "go to social services" my dad used to say this to my mum all the time, but also like your ex her cba to do anything so never actually did. Can you move away? Start afresh? And yes you can get a restraining order. If he continues say he will only get to see his child in a contact centre under a controlled environment. You're doing a fab job hang in there, don't let this bully win

Thank you for your replies.

I’m at the end of my tether. However, I will do what it takes to make sure my DD is protected.

She came home crying this evening saying her dad and his mum pressured her in to keeping it week days.

I’m going down to the police station tomorrow to start it. Then I will contact SS myself and speak to them. I feel so weak especially with the note I received this afternoon.

I’ve moved twice and he’s obviously followed me as I drop DD off and pick her up.

DD has told me that she sent me messages off of his phone threatening SS. She’s too young to know about this. This is awful for her.

She’s meant to be seeing him tomorrow. She said she doesn’t want to and has cried and hugged me. Won’t let me out of her sight. What do I do? She wants me to tell him she doesn’t want to go but this will mean more abuse and him telling me I’m making her say these things.

Call 111

I think you need to report this to the police (now, especially since you've had a note through your door - that's threatening behaviours), and possibly to social services. How old is DD?

Police.

Women's Aid.

Freedom Programme. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

In that order. This is coercive control and being able to understand how it works and what's driving it will help you protect yourself and your DD.

Just text him saying she's not feeling well and leave it at that (technically if she's upset as you say she's not mentally fit to see him in this current situation). If he replies just ignore him or turn your phone off, they are just words. Get all your evidence together and tomorrow is the beginning of the end of his and his families disgusting abusive behaviour.
You're right to contact social services first. You have your daughters best interests at heart. The police will take you seriously you're not over reacting. Do you have any family or a friend he doesn't know about that you can stay with for a few nights? If not contacting women's aid may be able to help you. Get a couple of bits packed up just in case. It's scary and I'm sure it will scare your daughter a bit too but reassure her you're a team and together you will get the results that works best for your daughter. Again I think if your daughter still wants to see her father she can let SS know this and arrange it in a neutral setting as many times as she does or doesn't like. You have the power not him! Stay strong.

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I haven’t been on here in a couple of days, I’ve spoken to SS as I said and they said it’s a court matter. After thinking about this, I wasn’t happy so sent an email reiterating my points and how this is damaging her mental health and obviously I want to nip it in the bud ASAP. I had a phone call from them today so they took everything down and have said they will contact the school.

I made an appointment with the head of school (who knows some bits about what he’s been like to me and obviously made them aware my DD might and probably is picking up on it. Anyway, I have an appointment with them next week.

I’ve contacted a solicitor who said it’s best to get a child arrangement order put in place but mediation needs to happen first. I explained that I tried that years ago (mediation) and he tried to make out that she’s best off with him because I work?!? And how much he loves DD etc etc. Anyway, I left that feeling very deflated and spoke to a solicitor after that who said mediation won’t work because he’s an abuser. The solicitor I spoke to today said that’s not true and I will still need to go down that route. Ugh.

Jez OP he sounds like the ex from hell and DD is only 6.
Poor kid.
He is emotional damaging her, continue with getting a visitation order, you are doing everything right, keep logs, unfortunately Ime you still have years of this twat, until DD is old enough to make a choice.
On a personal level I think I'd run away with her, it must be awful to knowingly send your DD to this man.
I hope it gets better.

It is up to the non resident parent to take you to court to get visitation. Check with a solicitor but it was 10 years ago when I went through it. Freedom programme is def worth doing. The ladies there have heard it a thousand times and could point you in the direction of a solicitor they know to be good/have used. This is obv what I did, ages ago so don’t take as gospel But I can tell you that my ex tries to abuse me through my son still but he’s getting older now and has begun to question the emotional abuse. I have also had to with hold access to my son twice due to emotional abuse. (With help from social services and a solicitor.) Do it is possible. I’m so sorry you are going through this. All my love xxx

This article about mediation with an abusive ex may help you @Exhausted101 www.onlydads.org/information/expected-go-mediation-abusive-ex

It says that the first appt would be just you and the mediator where you get to explore whether mediation would work.

I would start keeping a log of everything so you can show dates/times of what was said and how it affected your DD. The school may also be able to give some evidence of how it's affecting your DD too.

The rights of the child to a relationship with both parents is important, but it would need to be explored as to how that can be achieved, and certainly not to the detriment of the child.

I would also get some support for yourself, so I'd try contacting Women's Aid in the first instance. Good luck.

And this link too:
www.familymediationweek.org.uk/2018/01/22/domestic-violence-and-mediation/

Thank you so much for your kind words, advice and links.

I will look into those today after school run. I need to get this sorted ASAP for DDs sake.

I really appreciate everything you have all said. I’m really trying to be strong and positive for DDs sake. Poor DD said to me the other day she feels fluttering in her tummy and sick when she knows she has to see him. My god. No child should feel like that towards their parent. Makes me so angry it’s affecting her like this.

X