I had a medical abortion on Wednesday. It was the right thing to do, it wasn’t the right time and it was something my partner and I would do ‘one day’, just not now. My parter was the first to say an abortion was what he wanted and although I agreed, I wish we’d come to that conclusion by talking options through together rather than him just jumping straight in with it, but I suppose that doesn’t matter as ultimately, it was the right choice for us. I live in a different city to him, but spent a few days with him after the appointment and have just got back home to my city. He had long standing dinner plans Friday and Saturday night and although I felt like I needed him around more than anything, I would've never asked him to cancel so I spent those nights alone, but couldn't help feeling resentful for it, even though I wouldn't ask him not to go.
My mood just switches from being upset, to anger, to guilt, to feeling insecure about myself and our relationship and needing massive amounts of reassurance (I desperately felt like I needed to feel more solid), lashing out at my partner, wanting space, or not wanting to be alone. I'm not normally a crier but I am just breaking down in hysterical tears out of nowhere and over the most trivial thing.
My parter is obviously the one that has been on the receiving end of all of this. The day after the procedure he told me he was leaving me on my own to go out and speak to one of his female friends because I was making him feel like anything he did wasn't good enough and I just broke down, I don't think anything he's ever done has hurt me so much, but then again, I am obviously super sensitive at the moment. I've been lashing out (I feel absolutely horrendous, but one of the things that I've said is that this is his fault and that I feel like he doesn't care'), and we've been fighting about it and he's really, really, angry with me - like can't bear to talk to me angry.
I feel like such a failure and I've spoken to the BPAS counselling team, researched on the internet and all the advice is that, because of the massive changes in hormones, frequent, changing moods & mood swings are a part of the process that you just have to roll with, and that partners need to not take them personally and just be there and be sensitive, but my partner tells me that doesn't make it acceptable and that I can't just expect everything to be ok. I absolutely agree with him, there is no excuse for me making him feel bad, but I don't know how to make something better that is so (scientifically) out of my control. I'm still struggling with the physical after effects of the procedure, but I'm absolutely beside myself worrying and apologising for making him feel so awful and he doesn't even want to speak to me. We're only 4 days since the termination.
Does anyone have any experience with this, is there something wrong with me, or if this is normal, is there a way I can better explain things to him - there aren't really many resources out there for men that explain what to expect when their partner has an abortion, or the reactions they might have and ultimately how to deal with it.