To think he had a guilty conscience?

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

My best friend - let's call her Kate - left her partner - let's call him Ben - last year when she was 25 weeks pregnant with their third child. Ben had barely spoken to Kate for months. He had been distant from the DC too, and spending a great deal of time on his phone. He changed the password which Kate had known to fingerprint recognition, changed his FB so she couldn't see his friends or anything he liked or commented on. Ben began staying out all night regularly, under the guise of 'work.' He had previously been caught lying about porn use and said he had a porn/sex addiction. Kate was a SAHM and Ben was very very tight with money. Kate had no access to any of Ben's accounts; he'd transfer her money for groceries.

Kate tried talking to Ben to resolve things; the DC were unhappy when he was around and Ben seemed unhappy around them too. Kate asked how she could help and made suggestions to improve things. Ben kept promising to try but changed nothing. Things had been this way for a year or so; the pregnancy was unplanned. Kate decided that she didn't want to stay anymore as everyone was miserable and Ben wouldn't communicate. She was pretty sure he was being unfaithful and asked me if I'd lend her the deposit to move out, which I did.

When she had everything in order, she wrote a long letter to Ben explaining how she felt - that he'd been distant, secretive, financially abusive, disrespectful, ignoring her and the DC and that she had tried but he just wouldn't communicate and she couldn't take it anymore. She left the letter for him to read while she bought the DC to me so she could go back and talk to him. He didn't try and dissuade her from leaving at all. He asked where the house was and if he could help her move. He offered money for appliances. He didn't dispute or explain any of the issues she had written about and when I returned the DC he was more animated that we'd all seen him in months.

Over the following months he'd drop in to see the DC at their new home but still be firmly attached to his phone and very secretive about his whereabouts. He missed the birth of the baby as he didn't answer the phone or messages. Contact has now dwindled because he's finding it all too difficult

Personally I think his not trying to stop Kate leaving and actively helping her do so reeks of guilty conscience. I think she was doing him a favour by ending things so he didn't have to be the bad guy and could instead play the heartbroken and abandoned card. What do you think?

And before you tell me to mind my own business, Kate is interested in outsiders opinions.

Although he sounds like an A Hole, it takes a special type of one to disassociate his children and miss the birth of one of them.

How long have they been apart now? Is he still living in the marital home? Does he have the children at all? Any mutual friends with any insight?

Personally, I wouldn't even be bothering to find out the why's and where's, what's the point? They've separated, she's started a fresh, let him dig his own grave.

I think well done to your friend for finding the courage to walk away. She shouldn't look backwards

They've been apart for a year now; hence why we've been discussing it today. She doesn't know where he's living and he hasn't had the DC alone, ever. He also hasn't seen them with Kate for around six months now. She gets the impression from mutual acquaintances that he tells them he was abandoned and is heartbroken while she's swanned off with the DC and sometimes doubts herself and thinks maybe she should have stayed longer and tried harder.

She did the right thing. No body can live like that indefinitely. People can fall out of love, things go wrong but everyone has the right to respect and honesty at the very least and she wasn't getting that.

In my opinion she was brave to walk away especially with a baby on the way. It sounds like it will make her kids lives happier

At the end of the day she is probably right - he didn't have the courage to end things himself and acted so badly he forced her to do it for him. What mutual friends think doesn't matter - if they won't listen to her side then fuck them they weren't ever proper friends. Yes it is frustrating when people don't believe you and it's tempting to try and correct them but it won't achieve anything

The ones that matter are her true friends and kids and you all know the truth that she did the right thing in an incredibly difficult situation. He'll look a nob claiming he was kept from his kids when one day they are adults and call him out on it

I think often we expect that to gain closure, we need to hear the side of another persons story, to listen to the reason and to have an opportunity to address them.

Really, we have no right for anyone else to close something off for us, no matter how painful and how many unanswered questions, we have to close it off ourselves.

Sounds like your friend has had a really tough time. She has done all she can, she needs to live her life now for herself and the children and make a new path.

Nothing he's done indicate a guilty conscience to me...as in he hasn't behaved nicely post split.

He's just continuing to disengage like he was when they were together.

It could be one of 3 things.

1. He was/is depressed.

1. He was having an affair and didn't have the guts to end it with Kate, preferring to treat her badly so she would end it and he wouldn't be the bad guy

1. Or...he just didn't want the relationship with Kate and was too cowardly to end it.

I'm leaning towards number 2, with all the suspicions behaviour.

I commend your friend for leaving such a poor relationship. Far too many people stay and tolerate poor treatment.

I don't know whether he has a guilty conscience or not, and I don't think it matters. I think that he sounds like a Grade A twat, and Kate is well-rid.

He wasn't there for the birth???? He never sees his kids???? Who cares what his reasons were, he's horrible!

Kate is well shot of him, and i hope she meets someone decent soon.

I just think it would be decent of him to be honest. He tells people he loves and misses his family yet has never explained anything and doesn't get in touch. Kate has no support except me and one of her DC is disabled so babysitters aren't an option; she wonders how she will ever meet someone new when she's with the DC 24/7.

I think he's done a massive number on her. I think his intention was for her to leave and that has met his needs perfectly- he can claim to have been abandoned but clearly he had lost interest in his family- borne out by his current lack of interest in contact.
In all likelihood she won't be able to meet anyone in these circumstances. A poster on another thread likened it to a man stealing decades of a woman's life through this behaviour. Appalling.

I completely agree; he's left with a great career after she's supplied years of support, a great pension she has no claim on, no responsibilities. She's left with no career, no pension, debts from his financial abuse and DC that will be dependent on just her forever.