To feel completely out of my depth?

[AnOwlCalledPlop]

Today has been hard.

Background: I have two lovely little girls. They are 4 and 20 months. I work part time and the girls are in nursery the three days i am in work. Excellent nursery, all very happy. DD1 starts school in August. DH works full time. Stressful job but he usually gets home for six to see the girls and help with bedtime etc. He’s devoted to the girls and does his share of housework etc.

And on paper it looks fab and I’m lucky and how could it possibly be so difficult? The girls are my whole world. Absolutely adored. But I feel like they are breaking us.

Bear with me because I don’t know how to articulate this.

They just...never stop. It is relentless. I think the age gap is tough right now because DD2 wants to join in what DD1 does and she’s too little so she gets angry and causes fucking chaos. Hitting out, wrecking stuff. Major tantrums. DD1 over craft stuff, aqua beads etc and got tonnes of it for her birthday but we haven’t been able to really do any of it with her because DD2 just wrecks it.

DD2’s temper is a real sight to behold. She’s going through a very hard phase right now where she’s having EPIC tantrums if things don’t go her way.

DD1 is quieter and more sensitive and very, very needy. I’m still lying on her bed trying to get her to go to sleep. It’s saturday night. I haven’t eaten yet. This week we have worked so hard with her at trying to get her to sleep alone and she just won’t. It’s awful.

DH is trying but he’s so clearly miserable. As am I. I will never walk but I genuinely fear he might. we don’t have much help. His family live nearby and are useless (favour the other grandchild bit woe betide me if I raise this). My family are two hours away.

They have fought all day long and DH has moaned at them all day long. I can’t even get upstairs to put away washing. The house is a bomb site. DD2 is so wreckless and accident prone that it’s driving me over the edge. I haven’t showered in three days because DD1 won’t leave me alone at night (won’t entertain DH) and by the time she goes to sleep I’m too tired and it’s too late. Wanted to shower this morning but we were so late getting out the door I didn’t have time.

I know people deal with so much worse but I feel so down tonight.

It is hard trying to balance their different needs and desires. It gets better.
Maybe plan time for craft and take time out to distract the little one at the table or cooking to allow the older one to use her craft presents. It must be really frustrating to be always ‘too young’, mustn’t it?
Could you make some bright glittery playdough and sit the younger on your knee more use it whilst older one used beads? Buy thick coloured pens reserved for little one to use when big one is doing fine artwork?
I think distraction is key. Separate and direct before the jealousy and squabbling sets in.
Agree about putting them in the bath or shower with you so you feel clean and washed. In time they’ll be able to wash your hair for you and scrub your back with a bath brush. Lucky you!

"how to talk so little people listen" is great... So is one of you taking one kid each and just keeping them apart for a few hours.

Your DD2 is hitting the terrible 2s and you may have got off lightly with DD1.

Also your DH needs to stop moaning at them and learn to ignore it for now and distract them instead. It just drills the behaviour in more otherwise.

Yup. DH is as bad as them right now.

You're not a crap parent at all and raising two kids is really hard.

Can you and DH split up the weekends so each girl is getting 1:1 time and you both get 'me' time for respite?

So Saturday morning, DH lies in, you have the girls till lunch. After lunch you take one and he takes one. One of you leave the house for at least 2 hours so it's proper 1:1 time. Park, library, soft play, anything. Then family time in the evening. Sunday, do the reverse so you get a morning off and DH takes the girls.

Then maybe your parents can come up 1 weekend/month to help and give you and DH a date night out?

For bedtime with a 4 year old - have you tried a reward chart? Rewards could be chocolates or little toys/stickers for day to day and if she gets all for the week that could be something special with you at the weekend during 1:1 time.

I’ve got a 2 and 4 year old and recognise lots in your post! I used to look forward to the weekends then finding my husband making things even harder!
It does get easier. With my elder one I used to give them a limit (use a clock or timer) then it was the same every night without fail. I’d stay with them, pop in or out but wouldn’t get engaged in conversations. It took awhile but my eldest soon realised they might as well go to sleep!

I could have written this. Add the stress of corporate life and we are at breaking point. I do see slight glimmers of hope. They are playing together now. Just the last month or so, it's a start.

Hang on in there. This too shall pass.

I came on to suggest a divide and conquer approach at the weekend. At least for one of the days? You take the Velcro child and DH has the other one. You might find he has a lovely day and comes back more positive, happy and balanced and able to tackle the evening as a family. Sorry you're going through this

That all sounds relentless and exhausting OP. Can you find 15 mins (sounds impossible but use the TV to distract them or get gps to have them even if it’s not very interactive for your dc) to sit down with your DH and just both of you share how crap it all is?

Actually have a good old moan together about how this doesn’t really feel like you imagined it would, you know it will pass but right now this parenting lark is a bit shit, for both of you? Sort of get you both back on the same side? If you can try not to compete with each other on how tired you are or how rubbish it is for you as individuals, but turn it into a team event you might then together be able to formulate a plan (where he does more and moans less). Sort of Team Parents vs Team Toddler?! I don’t mean to imply that you should be adversaries with your kids but that you and your DH should be able to outwit them, which takes skill and patience and cunning, consistency and sometimes bribery with children this age! But you need to do it together and find a way through as a team.

I know how you feel OP. I have a 3.5 DS and a 16m DD. I work part time and DH is amazing but I still feel it gets on top of me some days. It's a really intense period and the age gap makes it more difficult. For me one of the key things that tips me over the edge is the sleep issue. When they sleep well I can cope a lot better! Would you say that's the same for you? If so, perhaps that could be a focus? I second bathing with the kids at the same time. You are not a shit parent just a tired one.

Yeah I feel like if they are asleep by 8pm or whatever then we get a little bit of time to ourselves to get a shower, tidy up, organised for the next day and maybe an hour or so of tv. If it’s 10pm then it’s a disaster and I’m completely on the back foot and I feel overwhelmed and annoyed

I know just how you feel hun DH is police so mixed days and nights and weekends off are rare. I have 3 aged 6,4 and 1 the one year old has what we think is severe asthma but too young to diagnose he's in the hospital with chest infections regularly and even ended up spending his 1st birthday in the PICU after needing a ventilator to breath for him for 3 days. All our family are around 250 miles away and are amazing but it takes them 5-10 hours to get to us depending on traffic road works.
We're probably going to move closer to family.
Your Dd1 will get there dd 2 was the same for a long time she had severe reflux as a baby and lying down was painful for her so hated bedtime for years but we did get through it. DS is an awful sleeper so we Co sleep after his first wake up as I prefer to be able to keep checking his breathing anyway I don't sleep well without him there.
What I'm taking a very long time to say is do what you can to make life easier for yourself. I let my kids watch TV all saturday morning while I clean the house.
I seriously recommend wooden blocks too DS can't eat them and enjoys playing with his big sisters and they enjoy building and letting him knock down their towers. Duplo is good too as the girls love building and the baby loves pushing around the cars and making a noise with the box. If you have a child proof room leave them and make yourself a cuppa. I sit on the stairs with mine so I can see in to the living room but they can't see me. I also know what you mean about showering I go far to long between these days because when we've got all 3 to sleep I'm ready to pass out no advice for that other than power through I usually feel better once I do last night I got in the bath at 9 o'clock feeling better for it this morning. Well I was letting the kids watch TV while I had a flick through here but the powers gone just my luck

Another voice of sympathy. My two DSs are 2 and 5 1/2, and even now things are much better than 6 months ago.

Also another voice for divide and conquer. Doesn't have to be a whole day. But the reality is that it's almost always much less stressful to be one adult focussed on one child than two adults trying to focus on two children. And it's not fair in DD1 if she can never enjoy her older toys, and not fair on DD2 if she's constantly frustrated by being surrounded by things she can't play with.

We find it works much better if I take DS2 off to the toddler playground for an hour or two (or even just to stand outside the fire station and look at the fire engines) while DH and DS1 do Lego. And then maybe later in the day I take DS1 to a cafe for a hot chocolate while DH plays with DS2. It's a bit tricky when either or both child is in a mummy phase where he really wants me, but the only way to get the balance back is for each child to spend one on one time with DH.

Ok, two tips from when I was going through similar.
First, have you cone across the concept of positive parenting? It really works very well, even though it can feel counter-intuitive at first. Two books really helped me: Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting and (MN classic!) How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.

Second, when my DTs were 3, they each did an extra half day at nursery, but separately - so DT1 did the morning and I spent the time with DT2, then swapped for the afternoon. It made them so much happier (and was great for their independence). Could you swing that? The focused time sounds exactly like what DD1 needs, but DD2 would benefit too.

I'd get a bit tougher with dd1 at bedtime. Have story and chat then say that your going to have a shower but you will leave her door open and check on her after. I'd actually let dh take over settling her after story and chat too

Agree with an earlier poster about divide and conquer. This age is really hard, it does improve as they become more independent.

My dh also does long hours during the week and I work school hours so I'm the main carer during the week. Come the weekend he is around and has all these ideals he tries to implement one one day which contradict our midweek groove and cause resentment and arguments.

What I do find really helps is having activities planned for individual kid at the weekend and having one parent do that whilst other parent looks after other child at home - it makes it a one on one time. (My 3yo is currently out with dad doing cycling, others are home with me having some uninterrupted time without the destructor messing their games up)

I feel your pain too, 18 months between ours, currently almost 6 (but on the autistic spectrum so sometimes acts like a wise 90 year old and others more like a shy 3 year old) and 4. Talk to your husband and carve out time. Definitely a lay in each at weekends and if you can get them out in the afternoons all together but so that you can divide into twos. Exercise them till they are tired. It does get easier as they get older. Since the younger one reached 4 we see glimmers of hope! Hang in there, it's not your fault, it is just REALLY hard. It WILL pass.

These are HARD ages, they really are. And you're approaching the terrible twos, eek!

What will happen when DD1 starts school? Are your 3 days a week full days, or will you be able to collect her from school? Because if even on just one day you could pick DD1 up from school but DD2 stays at nursery (if it's one that does long days) then that time with DD1 can be so very precious.

Do you have any friends who have older teenage children? Girls or boys, that wouldn't mind either sitting down and doing something craft with DD1, or build endless towers out of blocks for DD2 to destroy, while you spend time with your other DD. They don't have to be old enough to babysit on their own as you will still be in the house with them, and most would adore earning a few quid extra to add to their pocket money.

AnOwlCalledPlop
Meh, don't feel bad for posting! I was merely trying to offer sympathy as i have no advice.
Its HARD being a parent. And i say that as a nursery nurse. I'm literally trained to do this and i still struggle!

OP - I saw this yesterday and forgot to post. Just to reiterate what everyone else has said. This is a hard stage! There are pros and cons to all age gaps, and I have 3 years between my Ds's and having a baby and a 3 year old wasn't too bad but a 4 and 1 year old - my god it was shit. 2 and 5 not quite so bad, 3 and 6 - wonderful and carried on. Hang on in there

I think you could be a bit stricter with your 4 year old - not having a shower for 3 days because she wants you over her Dad? I would leave them to it shut the door and ignore any crying/pleading. She has to know that you have needs too.

Think hard about what makes it difficult, write it down if necessary. Identify those areas and change your routine. Children get into the habit of certain behaviours and how we respond. Either change your response or change your routine to break the cycle.

Small changes can have a massive effect.

My DD2 was a nightmare until 2.5, whingey, epic tantrums, never stopped moving etc.

I work with children and I know 1-2.5 is hard in general as they are so active with no attention span.

DD2 is 3 now and much easier. The only thing that helped really was time.

Could your DH take her out to the garden or park (or out anywhere really) so that you could have time with DD1?

Do you have Home Start in your area? You can self refer to them and get a volunteer for 2 hours. If you want to spend that 2 hours in the bath that's OK 😊, no judgement. I used to visit a family where I would sit and have a coffee with mum for the first half hour then she went upstairs to to read a book. You could take this time to do crafts with DD1 while the volunteer looks after DD2 and keeps her amused.

Quick update.

Things have been a little better today and yesterday. I have been putting DD2 down to sleep at 7 and then spending an hour with DD1 on the floor of her bedroom doing her craft things (I am honestly hooked on Aquabeads now). Then a quick story and she’s setting much quicker at around 8pm.

Today I had the girls on my own but the weather was pretty good so I threw them into the garden and they actually loved it! I even managed a coffee while sitting at the table watching them playing through the window.

I have also been decluttering as much as I can squeeze in.

So, feeling a little more optimistic 🤞🏻

Im glad things have gone better for you!
Sounds like you could be onto a winner with the new routine.

Hi OP. Almost 4 and 15 months here. I find the same. Saw my parents last week and they said I seemed fed up and I just came out with 'I'm just so sick of the baby' then unmediated felt awful. But I constantly think about having a whole weekend to myself. The eldest loves games - cards, board games, craft and can't play as the baby just wants to chuck it all or eat it.

I do try and have a bit if one on one time with the eldest when the baby is napping but after clearing up lunch stuff and doing a couple of chores it's often just half an hour. Sometimes we divide and conquer and one parent takes each and does some age appropriate stuff with them. Toddlers are such a boring age though there are so many things they can't play at yet and their concentration span is so small it's constant trying to think of ways to keep them entertained.

I feel bad for wishing her life away but keep thinking wait til this time next year and she can speak a bit more and it might (hopefully) all be different