To not know how to feel

[AEJS]

A short bit of back story. I grew up with parents that abused me emotionally and then as my younger sister grew up she joined in the abuse.

2 years ago after 40 years of living with the abuse and suffering severe mental health problems as a result I went NC with my entire birth family.

Today I have learnt that my father passed away 6 months ago. I don’t know quite how to deal with this information. Part of me is sad, I did love him and tried relentlessly to get him to love me back. Part of me is angry. I feel cheated of a proper childhood and perhaps it would of been nice if he had apologised but realistically I know that it would never have happened.

But part of me is relieved. It sounds like a terrible thing to say. He hurt me so badly so many times. I was so frightened of him even after going NC. Every day I expected him to show up and scream at me again.

Now he is gone. Now a big painful part of my life is over. Never again will he shout and belittle me.

Is it wrong to feel this way?

I can't help you actually other than to say there is never a right or wrong way to feel. Accept how you feel and deal with it afterwards. Sorry to hear of your loss, even though he hurt you, he was still your father. I hope you can find peace with your feelings, maybe some counselling would help.

I was NC with my mother for 25 years for similar reasons. My biggest concern was that when she died, people would expect me to care... and i wouldn't.

She died, I didn't care and it transpired that none of the people who loved me expected me to. They knew my reasons. It's ok to feel how you feel. Don't burden yourself with guilt, take care of yourself.

I grew up in a toxic, abusive 'family' and can understand your feelings, there's no right or wrong when it comes to trauma and indeed grief, but I echo the idea of counselling, if you're not already talking to someone about your feelings.

First of all, OP, I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. It’s hard to know how to feel about people who have abused you, whilst you know resent them for what they did to you, you will always be your family and for some people that means they will always love them. There is no right or wrong way to feel and how you’re feeling is perfectly normal, make sure you look after yourself

I am nc with dm +df. I will likely feel angry and sadness for the childhood I should have had I assume too - I have found happiness in my dh, dc and dpets instead.
Not really shortchanged am I?
Never a cross word from any of them.