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sister refusing to come to my wedding/ family not seeing my new baby- am i over reacting?

30 replies

spongecake · 08/07/2007 22:15

i am getting married soon, abroad as my dp is european. my sister has said -her final excuse, she can't come as its too hard to organise the flights. i mean, she has only known for a year, doesn't work and has 24 hr access to the internet.
her excuse before that was she didn;t want to hire a car and could my dp drive them about? we said we would arrange taxis, as we are getting married and have a tiny baby to look after. she also looked up the hotel on the internet and said that she didn;t want to stay there (no specified reason, although she said it looked very modern, not a chateaux)

she also has stopped her son coming as although he really wants to (he is 22) she feels it would make her look bad as she is not going - he said she is making life difficult for him if he goes.

my dp is hugely offended and says she is not welcome in our lives anymore

the rest of my family are coming, however i had my baby 4 months ago and only my mum and dad have been to visit, once or twice (they are v old and driving is a problem for them) their excuse is -through my mum- that its too far (1.5hr drive) but they are ok for a wedding in the south of france. i always used to drive and see them and their families for the last fifteen years, so it makes me really angry and sad.

i don;t know what to think, iyswim, how to react. thinking about it makes me really unhappy - i don;t feel part of a family anymore, i feel as though they never liked me now they have to actually do something, like travel to see me.

OP posts:

littlelapin · 08/07/2007 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 08/07/2007 22:27

God how hurtful and selfish.

Have you thought of writing her a letter.
Easier and less upsetting than face to face (or phone) confrontation.

Agree-she sounds dreadful.


spongecake · 08/07/2007 22:32

i should say that my sister did drive my mum over a couple of times a month or so ago, but disapproved of me bf in front of her (she bf 3 children) and they only stayed a hour max. the second time they said they would go out for lunch whilst i bf. i did tell them not to bother at the time

i didn;t put this in my original post as its the whole wedding/ visit issue now.

OP posts:

yelnats · 08/07/2007 22:36

Am at your munm and sisters reaction to you breastfeeding in front of them!! Your sis does sound terrible selfish. Though could it be that maybe she cant afford the flights if she doesnt work?


spongecake · 08/07/2007 22:43

she doesn;t need to work, her dp pays for everything. she hasnt worked for over 20 years - my mum was going to pay for her flights anyway as a surprise for her. mum feels awful and told me she cant take sides, as she doesn;t want to fall out with my sister.

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rattleskuttle · 08/07/2007 22:47

your sister sounds like a twonk. perhaps it's best not to expect too much of your parents if they are getting old.

concentrate on yourself, baby and dp


MadamePlatypus · 08/07/2007 22:53

I would ignore your sister - she sounds like an idiot. I think you should talk to your parents though and say how lonely you feel - it is difficult when you have a little baby. They may find it difficult to drive, but not be really realising that you want to see more of them.


suezee · 08/07/2007 23:14

you cant pick ur family spongecake.All i can say is make the most of your day, it sound as though your sister would moan through her arse if she was there anyway.And you are part of a family....the one you've made x


Rachmumoftwo · 08/07/2007 23:20

What a shame. But on a brighter note, some of the family may just be waiting till the wedding to meet the baby, to save the money on 2 trips. Doesn't mean they don't care. You may feel better when you get to see the family who is coming. Your sister may need a kick up the bum to come, if you really want her there. If not, as others have said, you have a new family now, so are loved and cared for by them.


IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 08/07/2007 23:38

There is a time in some women's lives when the time is ripe to learn that sister means next girl in the queu of sibblings, not necessarily a friend.

I got married abroad because DH, as your DP was a foreinger and getting married in my country to a foreigner involved such red tape that at best we would be separated in our own countries for one year nore or DH would need to leave his job to come to my country for several months to comply with some stupid requisites. Anyway...

DSis, knowing that, said she couldn't come to the wedding because she had a small child (fair enough, I thought, but now I have my own child I know it wasn't that difficult). She has never been to visit me, ever, and I can count with my fingers the number of times she has picked up the phone to ring me during the last 10 years. Her excuse is "you are the one who moved away", so... although I have made the effort during all this years, I finally accepted that she wouldn't do anything for me so... I had downgraded her to be part of my list of aquaintances, which may sound hard but.... she has not been anything else TBH, and now she is on that list, I don't get so annoyed at her attitude .


Gangle · 09/07/2007 00:11

Spongecake, Isabel, a very similar thing happened to me. Got married in Italy (1.5 hour flight on RyanAir and very cheap) last summer. We did change the venue from London simply because there was nowhere in London we really wanted to get married and didnt't want to bankrupt ourselves in the process. We gave everyone 4 months notice and really hoped everyone would come. In the end, we had 55 guests and my only family to come were my parents. My sister and hubby claimed it was too difficult to get there. My sister doesn't like flying so I spent ages working out alternative routes by land and offered to pay train/flights and accommodation, anything just for her to be there. She then claimed her that her daughter (5) started school that week, albeit at the same school where she had been at nursery for a good while, and so they couldn't go away that week. In the end it was clear that they would not put themselves out so that they could be at my wedding. what's worse is that she constantly tried to make me feel guilty about having it somewhere we wanted to have it rather than somewhere convenient for her. In addition, I went to her wedding at had done to great lengths to be at her and her childrens' birthdays and other special occasions. We went on to have an amazing wedding day but I will never forget that my sister didn't come and I don't think that our relationship will ever recover. I agree with IsabelWatchingsIts approach - it's the only way to deal with it. Unfortunately blood is not thicker than water.


cylonbabe · 09/07/2007 00:19

lay the guilt trip on your sister. and lay it on thick and fast.
qa wedding is a special time for family. they should be there for you. your dh is being perfectly reasonable in his opinion. your mom is being a coward in not tqaking sides. it's your 'wedding' if your sister cant see that, then she's being incredibly selfish. just tell her that.


TransfiguratingLily · 09/07/2007 22:33

Sponge that is awful. I would find it upsetting too. Maybe she doesn't realise how much it would mean to you for her to be there so doesn't think it is worth the effort?
I hope it'll be clear from your mind on your day and you have a fabulous time!


edam · 09/07/2007 22:38

Your sister is a piece of work. Not only refusing to come, but stopping her grown up son from coming too? Horrible way to behave. Not surprised your dp is offended (although that doesn't really help you very much).

Sod your sister and don't let your family get you down.


spongecake · 09/07/2007 22:42

she doesn;t believe in marriage and says it means nothing and its just a piece of paper. clearly i don;t agree, but i have respect for her views and never rubbish her- so i feel bad that my views aren't treated the same way.

i have been forbidden by dp to mention her on the day, as he says she is attention seeking. i just think the whole thing is crazy and she doesn't seem to realise the damage she is doing.

i was v wimpy when she told me, just said if its too much trouble then perhaps its best you stay at home-she said that if i changed my plans and married in the uk, then she would be glad to attend

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divastrop · 09/07/2007 22:55

i agree with your dp-she is attention she jealous of you?

i agree with all the others who have said sometimes you have to accept that sisters are just blood relatives and nothing else.

i haven't been invited to my sister's house since my ds1(who is 9.5)was 4 months old.she used to text me occasionally or come to see me for an hour when i was down at my mums,but she hadnt spoken to me for 6 months till my nan's funeral,where she said she would consider coming to my wedding if she can get a flight to somewhere near here(bearing in mind that i live in cumbria and she lives in essex!)(and she and her dp can both drive but her dp doesnt like mway driving)(he is a driving instructor btw).anyway,i am going to send her an invite and she is welcome to attend if she wants,but if she doesnt i wont be offended as i've had 10 years to get used to her attitude now.

i do think its bang out of order ,though,that she is trying to stop your nephew from attending.he is a grown man and should be allowed to make his own decisions.


SpeccieSeccie · 09/07/2007 23:07

"she doesn;t believe in marriage and says it means nothing and its just a piece of paper."

Hmmm. I agree with Divastrop. She might be jealous. People's attitudes to marriage can change over the years. Could it be that she entrenched herself in the 'no marriage' camp and is regretting it? What does her dp think? (of marriage and your wedding)


cylonbabe · 09/07/2007 23:20

well, actually it is jut a iece of paper

but its' bloody important piece of paper. [anger] tell the selfish cow to stop throwing her silly tantrum and grow up!


Dawnybabe · 09/07/2007 23:25

I agree. She is completely jealous. She's missed out on her wedding, and now with the baby and all you're getting all the attention and she can't bear it. They're right, some family members are just blood relatives. Remember, you can't choose your family, you just have to make the best of them. Tell her how you feel, and leave it up to her. If she still makes excuses then she's obviously the one with the major problem and then hopefully she and everyone else will see it.
Have a fabulous wedding and sod 'em all!


IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 10/07/2007 01:33

"i was v wimpy when she told me, just said if its too much trouble then perhaps its best you stay at home-she said that if i changed my plans and married in the uk, then she would be glad to attend " [shocked at the possibility of her being my sister! ]

Enough grounds to forget she exists for a few months, you don't need such selfish, rude and mean people around you at the wedding. Don't ruin it for yourself by thinking of her, she doesn't deserve your attention.


TransfiguratingLily · 10/07/2007 08:09

You have a right to feel hurt and angry, but that won't change her. Is there any hope?Were you ever close?
Would it be worth trying to tell her what it would mean to you, give her a role? And if that doesn't work at least you tried and you can just forget her if she still won't budge.

My sis is getting married in August and I wouldn't miss it for the world, I know that if I didn't want to go my sis would be truly devastated.


Leati · 10/07/2007 08:25

I think you have every right to be mad. If your sister is seeking attention, ignore her. I am serious... don't answer calls for while. Cut her out of your life for a while and she will mellow out. Refuse to argue with her. Don't let her ruin YOUR special day.


Mossy · 10/07/2007 08:31

Spongecake you poor thing. I have some idea of what you're going through, as my family did not come to my wedding, for completely different reasons though. My sister had agreed to be a bridesmaid and then a few months beforehand broke off all ties with me, through no fault of my own, I was gutted. But, in a way, I actually enjoyed my wedding more, because there was absolutely no negativity there from them. Everyone who came was overjoyed to see us get married and there was no disapproval.

Could you see it in a similar way? I know it is tough.

Your sister sounds very selfish and as Diva and a few others have said, could she also be jealous? Her comment about it just being a "piece of paper" could be how she thinks, but it could also be her trying to justify the fact she wishes she had gotten married.

Do you think there is any way you could persuade your Nephew to come despite his Mum? I suppose it depends on how much grief he'd get from her, really, but might it be worth putting up with it in return for coming to see such a lovely day?

Your dp sounds like he is not being very understanding with his "forbidding" you to mention her, unless I have the wrong end of the stick; could you explain to him that yes, he is upset, but you are more upset as it is your sister and your family?

As for your parents not wanting you to bf in front of them, how strange, when your Mum bf herself! Do you think it could make her feel awkward, as it's kind of symbolic of how much you're not a little girl any more? Or am I being too kind and they're just being arses?

Either way you have lots of sympathy from me, I do know what it is like to have this dream event planned and your family trying their best to ruin it.

If you can, I would just sod 'em all - you may find you enjoy your big day even more as a result and it is their loss. As other wise folk here have said, you have your own family now.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you.


katylui1 · 10/07/2007 22:13

OMG Spongecake, no YANBU at all. YOu should be reacting, but maybe what you're reacting to is a long list of neglect and being taken for granted?
I'm in a very similar boat only it is DPs family being awful and now on reflection I think that they are probably behaving in a way (selfish, rude, self-centered beyondf belief) because that is what I have let them do in the past. You just hope / expect that with weddings and babies that everyone would just grow up but sadly that doesn't appear to be the case. I have also told DP in a fit of anger that I don't want to talk to any of them if they turn up and that I will make it clear they're not welcome in my life anymore. Do I mean it? Yes right now. Will I meant it in 10 years time and there are nieces and nephews to meet and bond with? Probably not because I'm a grown up and don't require all the attention on me (but do on my wedding day and if you don't mind just averting you're eyes while I BF that'd be great).

Concentrate on DP and make sure that you get through it together. This type of crap can really drive a wedge between people if its left to fester.


spongecake · 26/08/2007 22:19

sorry to bring this up again, but am in a quandry..

am married now and my sister did not attend, nor send me a txt, call, letter, email, message via anyone. she now keeps calling and emailing saying she wants to come and see me, baby and new house and see how we are getting on. she hasn't mentioned the wedding on her messages apart from writing hello mrs.

my dh is adamant she is NOT WELCOME in our house and lives and sees it as a huge insult to him and his parents, me and the rest of my family,that she did not come to the wedding.

i haven;t replied to any messages as yet, have no idea what to say-but am scared she will just turn up or something. she is behaving as though its all normal, and its not, is it?

she wants to see photos of the wedding as well, but other family members have refused to email her.

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