Absent Mothers!

[Twilighttime]

I've only just joined so hope I'm doing this right - I need to let off steam about my mum who made me so angry yesterday I nearly burst into tears! She's out of the country for six months of the year, she has two grandson's, my son is the oldest (almost 15) and my older sister's son the youngest (12). When she's home she arranges to meet up with my sister and goes to watch her son in his swimming lessons every Saturday afternoon if she's around. Both boys go to drama classes on a Saturday and yesterday both were in end of term plays. Guess what, she turned up for my sister's son's play in the morning and when I told her what time my son's play was in the afternoon she said she had to go home and cook lunch so probably wouldn't come back! She lives in town! I suggested she had lunch in town, but she said she had to cook for her partner which was complete nonsense, he's quite capable of cooking for himself! Needless to say she didn't turn up in the afternoon. It's always been like this and I should probably realise by now that it's never going to change. My husband says I should divorce her! My sister hasn't even given her her Christmas presents for 2006 yet, but that doesn't seem to matter! I think I'd better stop now, I could go on all night! Am I being silly to get so upset?

It sounds like you're hurting over the double standard, and that's really all that matters. Have you ever tried to sit down and talk to her about how you feel? If you do, don't attack your sister for anything (xmas gifts, whatever) this is a prob you're having with your mother alone.

good luck!

No, you are not being silly, but getting upset probably won't change anything. My mum is the same, and I get really upset, but it isn't worth my energy. You can try telling her how you feel, but you may find they just think you're over-reacting over nothing. That probably doesn't help, so here's what DH tells me- "You have your own family now, sod them. Let them come to you if they want to, but stop going to all that effort for them when they don't appreciate it."
Deep down I know he's right!

If you asked her why she shows such a marked preference to your nephew over your son, what do you think she'd say? Or if you have asked her, what DID she say?

This grandmother shows a v strange attitude. I would expect that she would try to hide any preference, not advertise it in this tactless way. Not surprised you are hurt.

I agree that you need to talk to your mum about the apparent double-standards. Do not draw your sister into the issue tho. It is between you and your mum, whatever relationship she has with your sister is between them.

Hope all goes well.

Twilighttime,how awful for you. I guess you
have already taken the route of trying to talk to your mother about her favouritism?

Not really got any decent advice to give, except maybe next time your son has something big on the calender coming just completely forget to tell your mum.

Make sure she ends up knowing all about his glory in winning the swim meet or being fab in the school play, but only via your sister or you talking in past tense.

She'll soon get bored of being left out of your family life and will want to get involved asap

Make her sweat a bit is what i'd do. Don't invite her but make sure she knows all about you ds's acheivements.

I haven't spoken to her about it because I find it really hard to talk to her about anything and she would probably just think I was making a fuss - she's always referred to me as the "awkward" one! (I have a younger sister too). I don't have a problem with my older sister, we get on quite well really and I've told her how I feel and she agrees with me. I get on fine with my younger sister as well. I think Rachmumoftwo's DH comment hits the nail on the head! I'm going to play it cool from now on!

My mother in law is the same with my partner and his sister. She has seen our kids once in the last year and my partners sister's sprog every weekend. We live the same distance away. It is so obvious that she favours the other grandchild. It is very hurtful. Our littleuns have got used to not having a granny. They are very young and so don't understand why they never see her. My partner is furious and hasnt spoken to his sister for four years over it.

If you feel like you have made a lot of effort to no avail don't bother any more. It is her loss. Do your kids need a granny that really isnt that bothered about them anyway?